He wants out...

[AishaB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennybell1 Im really happy to hear that your session went well and you both were able to communicate what you needed. I think you have exactly the right idea - you want to be happy....that is what we all want and need....so make sure you keep that in the back of your mind always. You need to be happy - you need to come first in that aspect, then worry about others. If you are not happy, the people around you wont be happy either. That much you need to do for yourself. Good luck and I wish you both all the best!

Jenna I know that I am getting in late on this conversation but I want to say that I know exactly how your FI is feeling. I believe it maybe more glaring for men because they are historically the hunters and the gatherers, but all of the feelings that he describes, I have gone through. It is difficult to come to the place where everything you do isn't good enough. Even though it is through no fault of your own, after a while that is how it feels. I am unemployed and have been for almost a year and it is rough goings at times. I feel it is so unfair to my FI that I have to lean on him sometimes financially. Also, not knowing when I will find a job has pushed me to thinking about what is going to happen after the marriage and us living together and him footing all the bills if I don't get a job soon. It is a lot and sometimes it does become overwhelming and you just don't want to hear all of the flowery words from everyone that "everything is going to be okay" or "don't worry I will be there for you". But one thing that I have learned and I guess that your FI knows as well is that he, just as I am, are blessed. Blessed to have people in their lives that love them and care enough to make sure that we are doing okay and to help us out along the way. I am glad that you guys are slowly working through things and I know that it will turn around. Just keep praying and communicating. I know that prayer moves mountains and that communication doesn't let the other person feel left out of what you are going through/feeling.

Be blessed and God speed!

[hockeymom97]

Jenna - it sounds like your therapy session was a step in the right direction and I think taking it day by day right now is probably helpful as well. I think if you try to force anything right now it might just make it worse, but if you give it time, both of you can work thru this Are you going to schedule another session with your therapist? My thoughts are definitely with you in this tough time.

[JennandMike08]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hockeymom97 Jenna - it sounds like your therapy session was a step in the right direction and I think taking it day by day right now is probably helpful as well. I think if you try to force anything right now it might just make it worse, but if you give it time, both of you can work thru this Are you going to schedule another session with your therapist? My thoughts are definitely with you in this tough time.

Yes we normally go to her regularly, but she was out on vacation for a few weeks. We have our next session next week.

[JennandMike08]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AishaB Jenna I know that I am getting in late on this conversation but I want to say that I know exactly how your FI is feeling. I believe it maybe more glaring for men because they are historically the hunters and the gatherers, but all of the feelings that he describes, I have gone through. It is difficult to come to the place where everything you do isn't good enough. Even though it is through no fault of your own, after a while that is how it feels. I am unemployed and have been for almost a year and it is rough goings at times. I feel it is so unfair to my FI that I have to lean on him sometimes financially. Also, not knowing when I will find a job has pushed me to thinking about what is going to happen after the marriage and us living together and him footing all the bills if I don't get a job soon. It is a lot and sometimes it does become overwhelming and you just don't want to hear all of the flowery words from everyone that "everything is going to be okay" or "don't worry I will be there for you". But one thing that I have learned and I guess that your FI knows as well is that he, just as I am, are blessed. Blessed to have people in their lives that love them and care enough to make sure that we are doing okay and to help us out along the way. I am glad that you guys are slowly working through things and I know that it will turn around. Just keep praying and communicating. I know that prayer moves mountains and that communication doesn't let the other person feel left out of what you are going through/feeling. Be blessed and God speed!

Aisha, thanks for the personal perspective. Its interesting to know that its not just the men feeling this way. I have never known what it is like to not have a job so I can't sympathize, though I can empathize. Plus I have always had to work hard because I have been on my own since I was 17, so I have always known what its like to have a back up plan. FI has always been given everything so this is a mental shock for him. I think its been a truly humbling experience for him as well, because he never thanked God for the blessings he always had...he even said he has taken everything for granted and just expected that things would always happen for him.

[ThefutureMrsBrown]

Thanks Jennybelli1 for mentioning the previous threads posted by Jennandmike08 and I had to go back and read them “So Distraught Have to Cancel” and “No Engagement Ring Syndrome”. I’m glad that the therapist has been helpful. It seems, based on your posts, there have been issues in the relationship for quite some time now. Your FI is in NO position to marry you or anyone else for that matter. You stated he was suicidal and feeling less than a man. Men want to be the provider and protectors and if he feels he can’t do these things of course he’s going to feel inadequate. Based on your previous post, your FI has never proposed to you or bought you an engagement ring and you’ve had to cancel your wedding once before. Those are clear signs that HE DOESN’T want to get married. With all that being said, I’m wondering if you’re just in love with the fantasy or idea of getting married that you can’t see this man clearly doesn’t need to be pressured into marrying you. Let him get his self together as a whole complete man. I know you don’t mind paying all the bills, but no father wants his daughter to get married to a man who can’t provide for her and it seems like your FI feels the same way. I know you’ve done a lot of planning and you state your family won’t understand, but it’s really not about them it’s about your happiness. You may want to seek some one on one therapy for yourself as I’m sensing you may have some underlying self-esteem issues. I’m glad you’ve decided to have a spiritual base as God is real and prayer works. I’m sure all will work out as God intended, best of luck to you and your FI.

[JennandMike08]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThefutureMrsBrown Thanks Jennybelli1 for mentioning the previous threads posted by Jennandmike08 and I had to go back and read them “So Distraught Have to Cancel†and “No Engagement Ring Syndromeâ€. I’m glad that the therapist has been helpful. It seems, based on your posts, there have been issues in the relationship for quite some time now. Your FI is in NO position to marry you or anyone else for that matter. You stated he was suicidal and feeling less than a man. Men want to be the provider and protectors and if he feels he can’t do these things of course he’s going to feel inadequate. Based on your previous post, your FI has never proposed to you or bought you an engagement ring and you’ve had to cancel your wedding once before. Those are clear signs that HE DOESN’T want to get married. With all that being said, I’m wondering if you’re just in love with the fantasy or idea of getting married that you can’t see this man clearly doesn’t need to be pressured into marrying you. Let him get his self together as a whole complete man. I know you don’t mind paying all the bills, but no father wants his daughter to get married to a man who can’t provide for her and it seems like your FI feels the same way. I know you’ve done a lot of planning and you state your family won’t understand, but it’s really not about them it’s about your happiness. You may want to seek some one on one therapy for yourself as I’m sensing you may have some underlying self-esteem issues. I’m glad you’ve decided to have a spiritual base as God is real and prayer works. I’m sure all will work out as God intended, best of luck to you and your FI.

Thanks for attempting to see through previous posts, but I'm not sure you've read through this one totally. He stated in an email that he thought he was feeling suicidal, but it turns out he isn't. He has reassured everyone thats not the case at all. I am not in love with the fantasy of getting married at all. I have let him call the shots on this one. I have asked him and followed his lead, hence my asking him if this is what he wanted to do, AND stating it was ok to cancel (even before the invitations were sent). As I stated before, had you read through, we are taking it day by day. I never said we aren't going to postpone it at all. It would suck, but its not out of the question. As for me, I don't see why you'd say I have underlying self-esteem issues. I don't think thats the case. Issues with dealing with this, yes. Self-esteem, no.

[ThefutureMrsBrown]

Best wished to you and your FI....Be Blessed!!

[KAMAY11]

I'm a little late coming to this thread and I am so sorry to hear about the problems your boyfriend is going through..

 

I am going to be very blunt here and say that I am not sure why you are planning (or talking of) a wedding when there has been no proposal or ring? I hate to say this old saying, but aren't you trying to run before you can even walk??

 

Obviously there seems to be a lot going on with your boyfriend, which is VERY unfortunate, but as his partner i think you need to stop all talk of anything wedding related and focus on being his friend. Focus on getting him healthy & confident before you panic about having to cancel a wedding.

 

I have to agree with TheFutureMrsBrown & say that i think he is the furthest thing away from wanting to be married. As hard as it is, taking a step back from the "wedding" situation is probably the best thing you can do and let things fall as they should.

 

Hope this wasn't too harsh but the reality is, there has been NO PROPOSAL.

[yumyum90]

I'm also coming in on this late. I hope that therapy is really working things out for you. I agree maybe you should consider postponing the wedding until you guys are 100% sure that this is the right time. I wouldn't worry about what anyone will think because its your money and although your family might complain they will love and support you through it.

 

My main concern is that he mentioned suicide. Our best man just committed suicide and no one saw it coming. Seeing how much pain this has put people through I don't want that to happen to you. I know that he said he doesn't really feel that way, I just wanted to make sure you've worked on that part thoroughly. I'm sure he loves you very much and weddings are a stressful thing within themselves so not having a job just makes it 10 times worse. You all will work it out, but take it doesn't hurt to take it slow and start off your marriage without stress.

[donutdjn]

I've only just seen this thread so apologies for that. My fiance was made redundant last November and still hunting for a job. My fiance has commented once that he feels like he is letting me down and i told him not to worry, luckily we have saved up for the wedding for about ten years (been together 16 years this year) but we have had to trim down some of our trimmings. The most important thing is talking to each other, love is what matters not money - for richer for poorer. I hope you get everything sorted. x