Can't let it go!

[~*~Margie~*~]

Okay so I am already married, almost a year now, but some "wounds" were opened during the process and I can't let it go. The story is this....DH and I got engaged in June 2008, by July we had decided to have a DW which he wanted to do in Oct. 2008 but I told him we needed to give people time to save so we decided on May 2009 (10 months to save). Initially family and friends seemed on board but slowly started dropping like flies, first my BF/MOH, then his parents and then his brother&SIL. But the one that hurt the most was his parents. They were still paying off an addition on their house and had consolidated some debt but we never thought they would flat out miss their oldest child's wedding. Well, we were wrong and money was the only excuse. As the days and weeks went by I let it eat at me, every time they went out to dinner, when MIL would go shopping and buy more plates or kitchen things that she just didn't need and when they started shopping for a $3000 awning for their deck. Even when it came to Christmas when they gave us over $500. All I could think was "This is money they could be putting away to go to our wedding" I wanted them at the wedding more than I wanted the money for Christmas. But they are not the type of people that you can talk to about this so DH and I just let it eat at us without ever saying a word and the wedding came and went without them there and I STILL can't get over it. Two months after our wedding they gave us a wedding present of $1000 that they had saved up to give us and while I appreciate it, them being there would have been gift enough. And now that almost a year has passed, I still see them spending and it still hurts. MIL has been talking about going to Ireland with her sister sometime this year and just the other night they were telling us about a trip they are planning to take over Christmas this year. They wanted to go to New Mexico but its not that warm there at Christmas so now they are considering Jamaica or the Bahamas (which is where we were married). I mentioned how pricey flights were to Jamaica out of Philly when I looked for the wedding and she flat out said "I don't care how much it costs…" Then we suggested Mexico and she said she has no desire to ever go to Mexico. So now it just feels like not attending the wedding was more about location (we were Mexico bound till the Swine flu) than it ever was about money. I know financial things can change over time but so much so that money goes from being the biggest obstacle to suddenly being no object I just feel like its too soon to be talking to us about this when it hasn't even been a year. DH and I were both really hurt. Honestly I don't know how much time has to pass before we can let it go. I have two boys and when they grow up the only thing that would ever keep me from their weddings is death. I just can't imagine that they wouldn't have done just about anything to be there and even though DH is not a "heart on the sleeve" type of guy, I know he feels the same way and still feels a lot of hurt and resentment over it. Thanks for reading, needed to get that out.

[Betsy]

My heart really does go out to you. What does your husband think/say about everything? I mean at this point I don't honestly know if you could say anything, since MIL obviously doesn't think she did anything wrong. I know I would never ever miss my kids' wedding either, and it is so sad to me to think that some would, but it really is all about you and your husband, so try to focus on how much you love him and your children!! Sorry you have all this hurt inside

[JENISE]

Oh Margie,

 

That is very disheartening. I would feel the exact same way. You have every right to be disappointed in the fact that they "couldn't afford" to go. I think the only way you'll ever start to make peace with the whole situation and get over it, is to just flat out sit down and have a conversation with them. Maybe they didn't feel like their attendance was a big deal. It may just be a whole misunderstanding but you'll never know until you lay it all out there and have a talk with them. Good luck with whatever you decide. At the end of the day, as long as you have a loving husband, that's really all you need.

[*Linds*]

I'm in a similar situation. On our one month before the wedding day FI's mom, dad, and brother/best man all informed us that they wouldn't be attending. All with various complete BS excuses. I can promise you that I will not be getting over it any time in the near future. I just can't. I really have no desire to right now. My heart goes out to you! I Know first hand how truly hurtful it is.

 

I guess all you can do is learn how not to be from the situation...? I wish I had better advice, but I can tell you that I will be better over our situation for years to come.

[mnh1983]

That is really sad to hear. I think anyone would be hurt if they were in that situation. It seems like his family doesn't think that they did anything wrong, but I think that if it is bothering you guys that much, I would somehow bring it up to them. I think it will be difficult to have a good relationship in the future if that is eating at you.

[Thomasjsgirl]

It's incredible how insensitive some people can be. But to miss your own son's wedding without a true, legitimate reason, like DEATH, is almost unforgiveable. Since it's already been over one year and you still feel the sting like it happened yesterday, it's obvious that you need to put this out there and discuss it with them. Otherwise it will continue to eat away at the both of you and could result in a serious blow up. If you can, sit them down and explain to them how it made you and your husband feel about the fact that they didn't come to your wedding, and how it continues to hurt even to this day. If they still don't get it, or become unreasonably defensive, that's your cue to walk away and let it go. You can't dwell on something that you have no control over and if they are truly that selfish, it's doubtful anything you can say or do will change them. Good luck and please give us an update when you can!

 

[~*~Margie~*~]

Thanks for the replies and support ladies. I agree with those that say it seems they don't think they did anything wrong, it seems like for them a lifetime has passed or something and they don't even think about it. I have thought about talking to them but in the end I'm not sure it would be worth it. MIL's friend told her once a few months ago how wrong she thought it was that IL's didn't go and that they should have done more to be able to go and MIL got defensive almost to the point of not talking to her friend anymore. DH does feel the same way as I do but he doesn't want to say anything. He tells me that he knows his mother, she is set in her ways and rarely sees anyones side but her own and after 37 years he has just learned to let her be. Plus, MIL is estranged from her other son due to a fight with him and his now wife over their wedding (which is an EXCEPTIONALLY long story and in that case my BIL and his wife were in the wrong, but..) so DH just wants to keep the peace. Its just hard for me because I have never been one to bite my tongue and I'm not usually "afraid" of anyone but from my own experience with her and from what DH told me about growing up, I walk on eggshells with her out of fear of getting on her bad side and making things hard on DH. I just hope more time will make it hurt less because for all her faults I do love her and don't want this to cloud the relationship.

[Kristy!]

What a crappy situation. Since there's really nothing you can do about it, I would just say that it's good to know where you both stand with them. Obviously you're not at the top of their priority list, so make sure they're not at the top of yours. I'd lower your expectations of them because if you expect a lot out of them, you're going to continue to get hurt. I hope that makes sense and good luck dealing with this.

[McToasty]

Aww that sounds so hard. I actually felt tears prick my eyes when i was reading it. You sound like you're doing all you can to be supportive to DH and he is sooooo lucky to have you. It would be so easy to lash out and "put her in her place", but you chose the higher route of putting your DH's feelings before yours. I can only hope that the in-laws smarten up and somehow ... well, they're beyond fixing it, but at least somehow make it up to you? I don't know I hope you can feel better though. *hugs*

[peterpanpixiedust]

I've had to think about this too. It sounds like when your family and friends decide to go to a DW, they are using their money for this now. Your in laws, had a choice to make, spend the money on the DW or on what they usually spend. So it's not that they didn't have enough money, they just didn't have enough for the DW AND their normal lives. They didn't want to sacrifice their day to day, which sounds horrible, but in the end we all have to deal with the fact that some people would rather spend that money on their vacation somewhere else and renovations. And at least it sounded like it was important to them to include your gifts in that money as well. So I feel that they were trying to compromise and be fair to them and you. My parents may not go either, and it's not even because they can't afford it.. My mom has "no desire" to go (kinda like you said). I would think your wedding is desire enough. I guess we just have to accept that a destination wedding is asking a lot, even if it doesn't seem so to us. And sometimes we are asking them to sacrifice more than just money and time.