November 2011 Brides (or Grooms)

[JBean]

I started getting OOT stuff early on. I guess-timated we'll have between 35 and 40 guests, and so far it looks like I'm right. I just didn't want the stress of having to do everything in the last few months.

[clgriffi7]

I haven't started buying too much for OOT bags, but I have been trying to scope out what I want and where I can get the items.  So when I have that final head count I just have to order online or stop by a store - no stress because you already have a plan.  Not quite the same shopping "fix" but at least I feel like I am being productive.

[clgriffi7]

Okay - so I need to vent.  My fiance (who was born in the US but his parents were born in Taiwan) and I ordered 200 koozies for the OOT bags and AHR favors with our names and wedding date on one side and then the other side has the Chinese character for "double happiness" which is the traditional symbol for wedding celebrations.  We got the koozies in our wedding color, navy blue koozie with white imprint.  My fiance and I think they look great and are very happy with them.

 

When my FMIL saw them she had a fit.  Apparently in the Chinese culture when the character is light on a dark background it is bad luck.  How was I supposed to know that?!  She wants us to throw away the koozies and buy new ones in the traditional Chinese wedding colors of red and gold - none of which are our wedding colors.  In order to keep the peace, my fiance is thinking of trashing the old koozies and buying new ones in which we replace the Chinese character with "to have and to hold and to keep your drink cold".

 

I am now pissed off as I don't think a superstition should cause us to waste money and order something that we don't like as much.  However, I will let my fiance decide as it is his mother.  BUT I told him that we are not showing his mother anything else prior to the wedding.  Not my dress, not the programs, not anything....as I don't want to giver her the chance to complain about anything and try to get us to change things.  I had planned a few surprises for my fiance that would further incorporate his culture, but now I don't think I want to bother.  There seem to be a lot of rules (like lucky and unlucky numbers, colors, symbols, etc.) which no one will share so I just don't feel like it is worth the criticism to even try.

 

Thanks for reading - I needed to share.

Courtney

 

 

[BridetwoBe]

Hello everyone,

 

Im also looking forward to getting married in November! Is anyone else anxious as I am?

[JoanneIreland]

Oh Courtney I feel so bad for you. There is nothing so frustrating as going out of your way to do something thoughtful and nice only to have it thrown back in your face, especially the cost involved in this. Are his parents living in the US now, and if so is there any way to reason with them that you don't find it supersticious?

I totally agree with you, don't show your future mother in law another thing, wait until the big day and there is nothing she can say or do at that point! Since the day we got engaged I very quickly found out that there is not a single thing I can do that will satisfy everyone, from the destination, the resort, menu choices, invitations, etc ..... that everyone is happy with so I've quit trying to please everyone and just going with what myself and my fiance want. Besides ourselves we only run things by my mum and my sister because we value their input but are not telling another soul a single thing as we don't want their "input"!

Maybe you can talk to you FMIL and ask her what parts of the Chinese traditions are most important to her in a wedding and maybe incorporate one of those (that also suits you and your colors) into your ceremony or reception? Or maybe you could learn a couple of Chinese phrases to say during your vows that would surprise her?

I'm from Ireland and my fiance is American, so will not quite a difference in culture as yours, we are also trying to iron out a few details, mostly got to do with all the traditional Irish songs I want at the reception! I would also love to say my vows in Irish but poor FI wouldn't understand a word!

And don't worry about venting, trust me I think all brides to be have to break down at some point, and hey we are all on here to help each other! Good luck to you!!

 

[clgriffi7]

Thanks for the support.  My FMIL is really a nice lady and I think she was quite surprised when my fiance told her I was upset about this.

 

I have ordered a traditional Chinese wedding dress to wear for our legal wedding and our At Home Party (which will be too casual to wear my big white dress).  My FMIL knows I have this dress and if she asks to see it I am going to have to tell her that I would rather not show it to her because I am worried she will crticize the dress and I am unwilling to change it at this point. 

 

I really don't want to be mean or rude to her because she is such a nice person, but I want to make sure she understands that I am a strong woman whose opinions are just a strong and, in this instance, actually more important as hers.  I guess I see this as an opportunity to set some boundaries and expectations for our future relationship.

 

Originally Posted by JoanneIreland 

Oh Courtney I feel so bad for you. There is nothing so frustrating as going out of your way to do something thoughtful and nice only to have it thrown back in your face, especially the cost involved in this. Are his parents living in the US now, and if so is there any way to reason with them that you don't find it supersticious?

I totally agree with you, don't show your future mother in law another thing, wait until the big day and there is nothing she can say or do at that point! Since the day we got engaged I very quickly found out that there is not a single thing I can do that will satisfy everyone, from the destination, the resort, menu choices, invitations, etc ..... that everyone is happy with so I've quit trying to please everyone and just going with what myself and my fiance want. Besides ourselves we only run things by my mum and my sister because we value their input but are not telling another soul a single thing as we don't want their "input"!

Maybe you can talk to you FMIL and ask her what parts of the Chinese traditions are most important to her in a wedding and maybe incorporate one of those (that also suits you and your colors) into your ceremony or reception? Or maybe you could learn a couple of Chinese phrases to say during your vows that would surprise her?

I'm from Ireland and my fiance is American, so will not quite a difference in culture as yours, we are also trying to iron out a few details, mostly got to do with all the traditional Irish songs I want at the reception! I would also love to say my vows in Irish but poor FI wouldn't understand a word!

And don't worry about venting, trust me I think all brides to be have to break down at some point, and hey we are all on here to help each other! Good luck to you!!

 

 

[Pucca]

Ouch. Courtney, I feel your pain and I totally understand your frustration.. I know you had the best of intentions but the reaction you got was quite unexpected.  

 

However, I think this is quite typical when it comes to a blending of cultures, particularly those that are quite different like Asian versus Western. Still I know it's hard to keep all of these traditions in mind, especially when both you and your fiance are unaware of them. But I don't think this experience should have you shy away from incorporating some of his culture in the wedding, if that's what you want. Maybe you just need to sit down and have a discussion about what sorts of things are appropriate or not in the Chinese culture, either with your fiance or your FMIL pertaining to those things you want to incorporate like JoanneIreland said. As much as this wedding is your wedding, if you really want to incorporate things from your fiance's family's culture, I think it is appropriate to respect that culture since it is not really yours, rather than trying to change it to fit the Western wedding at the risk of more fits from your FMIL. If you don't, then of course she is just as responsible to accept and respect your culture and your opinions. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want to use this opportunity to establish boundaries and such for the future, I think mutual respect is an essential ingredient. I think for Chinese cultural issues, there is a responsibility to defer to the person who has been raised in it more and vice versa for Western wedding traditions. 

 

I understand to you that it's trivial and a waste of money but to your FMIL this "superstition" is part of her way of life. As much as you had good intentions I'm sure hers are too. You say your FMIL is a nice lady; I think she's just genuinely wanting every single blessing for the two of you, from her culture to yours. As far as your dress, programs, and other such stuff, if it doesn't involve Chinese culture then I'd say by all means keep it to yourself. But I think it would be a learning experience for her to see things and understand the differences in culture. And don't be afraid of criticism. I think as cultures blend, things can clash, so it's better to talk it all out; and that way they can also try to understand and see where you are coming from. And honestly, I don't think that Asian mothers have another way of bringing up differences in opinions and such except initially through criticism--personal experience here. I think they forget that we're not living in the same world they are. So just try not to take it personally. I know that we all think of the wedding being our day; of course it is, and we can't please everyone. But from an Asian perspective, a wedding is the coming together of two families (and communities); it has always been a communal event and I think the older generations still hang on to that. So maybe that'll help you in understanding at least where she's coming from, even if it does tick you off.  

 

The internet is wonderful for many things so if no one is willing to give you the skinny on Chinese traditions, here's a link to a few notes on some of those Chinese traditional beliefs:
 

http://www.chinatownconnection.com/chinese-superstitions.htm

 

And here's another interesting link:

 

http://factsanddetails.com/china.php?itemid=99&catid=3&subcatid=14

 

Hang in there. I definitely understand your position and I'm sure everything will work out fine. Who knows; maybe after your fiance told her that you were upset about it, she'll make a decision to defer to you and let everything go. Good luck!! 

 

 

Originally Posted by clgriffi7 

Okay - so I need to vent.  My fiance (who was born in the US but his parents were born in Taiwan) and I ordered 200 koozies for the OOT bags and AHR favors with our names and wedding date on one side and then the other side has the Chinese character for "double happiness" which is the traditional symbol for wedding celebrations.  We got the koozies in our wedding color, navy blue koozie with white imprint.  My fiance and I think they look great and are very happy with them.

 

When my FMIL saw them she had a fit.  Apparently in the Chinese culture when the character is light on a dark background it is bad luck.  How was I supposed to know that?!  She wants us to throw away the koozies and buy new ones in the traditional Chinese wedding colors of red and gold - none of which are our wedding colors.  In order to keep the peace, my fiance is thinking of trashing the old koozies and buying new ones in which we replace the Chinese character with "to have and to hold and to keep your drink cold".

 

I am now pissed off as I don't think a superstition should cause us to waste money and order something that we don't like as much.  However, I will let my fiance decide as it is his mother.  BUT I told him that we are not showing his mother anything else prior to the wedding.  Not my dress, not the programs, not anything....as I don't want to giver her the chance to complain about anything and try to get us to change things.  I had planned a few surprises for my fiance that would further incorporate his culture, but now I don't think I want to bother.  There seem to be a lot of rules (like lucky and unlucky numbers, colors, symbols, etc.) which no one will share so I just don't feel like it is worth the criticism to even try.

 

Thanks for reading - I needed to share.

Courtney

 

 

 

[carrieb258]

All your plans sound very exciting x

[alysam4785]

Any other Beach Palace brides???

[sxcT]

Just 4 months to go (from yesterday).  So excited!!