Step daughter Advice

[Loveisintheair]

My FI is older than me and he a 17 year old daughter. We really have a good relationship so it has not been a big deal. I have no children. Well, we moved into our home together and now she wants to move in with us. Well, FI pays child support for her to her mom. If she moves with us, then there are these issues about child support because they have another child. It is one thing that she wants to live with us but it is another that FI is still sending money for a child in our home. I am all for support of the kids but not when they are in our home. And to be a little selfish...I wanted to have my FI to myself for a little while.

[bnbrmy]

Well if the 17 year old moves in with you, then he does not have to pay child support for her. If his ex has issues with it then it will go to court where he can explain that the child is in his care.

When you take on a relationship when chilren are involved, then there is no room to be selfish. Maybe the aughter is unhappy where she is, or maybe she just wants to spen more time with you guys. She is part of your family now and if your FI wants her there then you should respect that, because that's his daughter.

[~Stephanie~]

First let me preface by saying that I am a soon-to-be step mom of my FI's 14 year old daughter. I also have 2 boys from my previous marriage. We all live together. FI has custody of his daugther and her mom lives in Texas (we are in Iowa). So she is always with us except for summer break etc. Her mom does NOT pay child support. This upsets me greatly. FI was prideful years ago and felt he didn't need her help. But teenagers are expensive and I have put my foot down on this. At this point we have worked out a "better" system. Her mom has been paying for things like her braces and her expensive drum set for band.

 

First I would like to address your concern about the child support. I am a paralegal, so I have some knowlege but I cannot give you legal advise. That said, if she moves in with you, you would need to request a modification to the decree. This will allow the court to refigure the child support for each child if one is living with you and one is living with mom. Your FI does not need to continue to pay for a child that is living with him. But you would need to pay an attorney to do this. 2nd if she is 17, is the support supposed to stop at 18 or will it continue though college? You will need to review the decree for this. I understand more than you know about not wanting to pay her mom if she is with you. But that can be fixed with some legal documents. It will be cheaper if mom agrees to everything.

 

The 2nd issue is a little more concerning. How do you get along with her? She wants to live with you which is more than I can say for my own stepchild-stepparent relationship. But what are the reasons behind this decision of hers? Is mom being mean? Because she needs to know that things aren't going to go her way in your house. You don't want her running away to be with you and FI if she doesn't like it at home. I understand wanting FI all to yourself but if she is 17 it doesn't sound like she would be living at home long if she goes off to college? Consider what your FI wants. If he wants his daugther with him then you need to try and make him happy, this is his child. He will resent you if you try and keep her from moving in and he wants her there. You will have the rest of your lives to be together. I have to tell myself this often. Having a teenager is really hard, having one that isn't yours biologically is impossible sometimes!

 

Also, being that you do not have any children of your own yet, I want to share something with you. I don't say this to be mean, I say this to protect your feelings. His kids will always come first. Period. As a parent that is the way it is. It hurts sometimes. Recently FI and I have been dealing with some pretty serious problems with his daughter and it has really tested our relationship. Honestly I just want her to move to her moms. But this probably won't happen. FI even gets upset and says to me that he is ready to send her to her mom's but I know he is just angry with her. I have come to realize that no matter what she does to him, he loves her and she comes first. It really takes the romance and perfect vision of your relationship and throws it into reality. Which sucks.

 

I don't want to keep rambling but if you ever want to talk or you have any questions I would be happy to answer for you!

 

Bottomline, child support can be changed and although you may not want her there, you need to let your FI decide if its what he wants. Good Luck!

[AlexsBride]

Aww aren't blended families and all the dynamics that go along with them fantastic? My FI had two young children before we got together, who are now 8 and 4. They do not live with us full time, only spend every other weekend with us. My FI pays (A LOT!) of child support to his ex-wife. BUT that is because they do not live with us. If they did, she would be paying us support.

 

When you say that there are issues with support because they have another child...that confuses me. Does that mean your FI has two children with her? Or does his ex have another child with someone else?

 

If your FI has two children with her and one will be living with her and one will be living with you, that "should" cancel the supports out. If she has another child with another man, that has should have no bearing on what your FI pays for support either, because it is not his child.

 

We have a 2 year old together and once we had her, our bills went up, his income did not and his support stayed the same. Which sucks, but it's the law. Anyway, maybe just clarify what you mean so I am not so easily confused!

 

As for her wanting to move in, how does your FI feel about this? I do understand you wanting him to yourself for a little while, but he might be really excited about the idea of his daughter coming to live with you!

[Melidell]

The child support agreement would have to be changed if she moves in with you. He would not be paying for her if she's in your home even though he would be responsible for the younger child. These kind of agreements can be changed if circumstances change, however there will probably be legal fees involved. Ultimately, though, that's between he and his ex- I'd really try to stay out of it.

 

I agree that you don't get the luxury of worrying about having your husband to yourself when you're a stepparent. His children should be his first priority, always, above even you. She's part of the package and while I know it's probably hard sometimes it's what you sign on for when you marry someone who has children. You're not just marrying him but his children as well, and that's for better or worse also. Private time is something that a lot of parents have to do without.

[AlexsBride]

Oh and Stephanie nailed it right on the head when she said that the kids will always come first!!!! It's hard for us "women of the house" to deal with but it is so true. Everytime we ever have an issue and it involves his kids, he is very quick to stick up for them/side with them or whatever. Sometimes (and I feel so guilty for even saying this!) but sometimes I really wish I just fell in love with someone who did not have children or an ex wife for that matter. The whole idea of a nuclear family living in a house where all the income that comes into the house stays in the house is such a nice idea isn't it? It's just not who I fell in love with but I do think about it sometime...(guilt guilt guilt!) And I do love his kids very much! I just wish all of our children were "ours" ya know? Good luck though, being a step parent is not easy.

[Loveisintheair]

The legal advice is excellent. He told he spoke to a lawyer and it would not cancell support. He would stop paying for her and continue paying for the son. Need to asks more questions...

 

They have a son in college but he is considered under her supervision. My FI daughter and I get along quite well. I don't have a problem with her but she has never lived with him and we have been together for almost 5 years. She just now is asking to move in. We bought a home together and he has been owning his own home. We have never lived together until now that we bought the home although we still have the other house. Just kind of an unexpected twist I wasn't thinking about. I know my desire is selfish in many ways..but it is how I feel right now. We are testing the waters this week with her staying with us.

 

And I told him there needs to be some expectations set because this cannot free for all for her. This is our home.

 

About his kids are always first...ummmm need to chew on that one a bit. I always respected their relationship. I pray for them and genuinely care for them. He has always done a great job makng me feel special and making his kids feel special. But they never lived with us.

 

Awwww!!! Wonder how it is going to be when we have our own children. My only recourse they will be adults legally by then.