Advice, please - what to do with loud BM?

bholthof · February 6, 2010

Hello ladies,

I have two BM - my sister (MOH), and one of my good friends. My friend, MJ, is a very good friend to me and I know it meant a lot to her for me to have her in the wedding. I was in hers, with her sister, and it was a complete debacle. Her family doesn't really get along with her.

Now, she is a very dear friend. We get along extremely well. I love her to pieces.

However, the reason her family doesn't talk to her is because she doesn't know when to let up. She is very strong-willed and opinionated, and has a tendancy to try and turn every subject to humour.

Not a bad thing, right Well, her humour is very sexually oriented. And she doesn't let up. Ever. She just keeps going with inappropriate jokes and sexual comments and subjects that you just don't need to have EVERY conversation turned to.

I am afraid that she is going to continue acting this way for the whole week we are in Cuba, and I don't know how to address it with her, because she tends to take things the wrong way - after all, it isn't just her family not talking to her - she isn't talking to them, either. And she doesn't seem to realize it is too much.

I'm even considering talking to her husband to see if he can't control her a little bit.

If it was just me, I would deal with it. But my entire family and several of my other friends are going to be there too... I don't need to be on the plane with a running commentary on how much sex she and everyone else is going to be having while at the resort.

Also - my father is a minister. Although I think he would just brush it off, my mother is a bit of a prude sometimes - I dont think she would appreciate it. Neither would my aunt and uncle who are going.

In fact, we moved on the weekend and she helped, as did several of my other friends. All of my friends (I found out later) were soooo sick of her comments and silliness. She's 27 - is it so hard to ask for a nice conversation about the weather without it turning into "what sex toy does that cloud look like??"

How should I handle this I really don't want to spend my whole vacation worrying she is going to offend someone. I also don't want to spend my wedding day listening to a running commentary on the wedding night...

Any thoughts??

~Nicole~ · February 6, 2010

I think it would cause a lot of tension between you and your friend if you nicely said "hey can you not act like yourself at my wedding". I dunno, don't get me wrong I COMPLETELY see what you're saying, but on the other hand, all of your guests are adults. As adults we come into contact with people who have VERY different personalities every day. It doesn't mean we have to be their best friend, but we tolerate it. She's obviously a good friend of yours for a reason. And I hope I'm not being harsh, because that's not my intention. I DO know what you're saying. For example, my sister is SUPER annoying. She was my MOH and would occasionally get on people's nerves during our wedding week. But out of respect for me, my friends put up with it lol. It's who my sister is, and I could never change that about her.

*Nadine* · February 6, 2010

I agree with Nikki. You chose this girl to be in your wedding, and therefore chose to have her in the midst of all your friends and family for a whole week. You know how she is and who she is, and if she is 27 most likely she is not going to be changing. Your guests can make their own decision how they handle it, ignore it, stay away from it, but telling your BM to not be herself, basically is what your wanting to do, would probably only hurt things not resolve things

bholthof · February 6, 2010

Its not that I don't want her to be herself - because the sex talk and so on is just a PART of who she is, otherwise I would have walked away a long time ago. But is there a way to ask her to tone it down a little? Tactfully?? Because I don't think that is too much too ask...

And I don't want everyone else being uncomfortable around her - which is what happens. I shouldn't have to accomodate her idiosyncracies at the expense of all my other guests.

Right?

jenne · February 7, 2010

Maybe you could ask her not to say things around certain people, like your parents who wouldn't appreciate her "humour." It sounds like she is a great friend so she should understand. And maybe just warn the other guests that although she is a great person, she tends to have a lot of inappropriate comments/conversations.

jplovesme · February 12, 2010

hmmm. I agree with everyone above. You asked her to be in your wedding, knowing how she is... and I know you love her and accept her for who she is, sooooooo...

If she is your "dear friend" then you should be able to ask her to tone it down in front of your family. Play up the fact that you dad is a minister and that your mother is "a prude" and that you'd love it if she can just keep any sexual jokes to herself during the ceremony and reception and any other time she's around your parents.

there's only so much you can do. I was an MOH for one of my friends and one of HER BMs was annoying as hell, but I put up a good front up until the end of the wedding night, and never talked to that BM ever again. Your other guests will do the same. They will put up with whatever antics may come up (for your sake) and it'll just end up being a funny story for everyone to tell months or years later.

Besides, you'll be so busy with other details of the wedding that you probably won't even notice.

hope things work out!