The First Family Fight...Children at the Wedding

[NYJen]

Luckily for us, our family and friends are on the same page as us about having an adult only event. As far as I know, none of our guests are even bringing their kids to Cabo. Everyone is actually looking forward to the weekend (or week) away from the kids.

 

I completely understand why some of you have opted to include kids at your weddings. But I personally have opted not to have them. Why? Because this isn't a BBQ. We are having a fancy event and I don't want kids running all over the place. I know some of you like that, but I don't. I'm sorry if some of you feel I'm "sad" that I feel this way, but that's my (and my fiance's) opinion. This doesn't mean we don't love our friends' kids, we just don't think a fancy wedding is an appropriate place for kids to be running around.

 

Alisa - I hope you got some help here. Looks like most of us are divided on this issue. Bottom line - you need to do what you want. And the fact that you offered babysitting services for your guests, you've now provided them with some options. Great job!

 

Jill and Amy - thanks for backing me up out there.

[michelle08]

I might as well put my 2 sense in!

 

I have realized over the last couple years that when you are single with no kids you have a totally different perspective on the little things like leaving them home and going on vacation. I'm sure you mom's out there can remember the time before you had kids...you may have thought one way and then it changed (which is totally reasonable and normal). I know this is happening with all my friends who used to talk crap about how people raised their kids and now they have kids and are doing the same things they said they wouldn't. It's just a whole different world.

 

Coming from me, someone who doesn't have kids, has never really been around kids much and there aren't really many in my family...I just assumed that parents would want to take a DW as an opportunity to "get away" and have a vacation away from the kids. Well I realize that this isn't so. Parents have a hard time leaving their kids for many reasons and I am actually understanding this now and I respect that!

 

With that said...I had some guest on my list who have opted out of coming because they don't want to leave their kids and they don't want to bring them to Mexico. I never specified a no kids wedding because I didn't think I would have that many anyway. However if my friends decided they wanted to come and bring the kids I would be okay with it because I understand that if I really want them there then it's a package deal...

 

But I totally understand the other side!!! I think it really depends on what you want first of all...but also the type of event you are having. Like Jen mentioned, if you are having a formal wedding, then I honestly don't think kids should be there! Not to mention the fact that if it's a formal affair and not set up to be kid friendly, the kid wouldn't want to be there! If you are having a more casual event then hey, why not have the kids there...my biggest issue with having the kids there is I know my friends and I think someone mentioned this...but I know they would be too concerned with their children and not have fun. I would want the event to be fun and party, etc...and the if their kids weren't their they would loosen up!

 

It just really depends...it's a hard decision and it all comes down to you have to do what is best for you. There isn't one right or wrong answer!!! I know that all of our wedding will be beautiful and meaningful to each of us with or without kids!!!

 

Sorry so long...I ramble....

[CourtneyV]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenandBrendanWedding I completely understand why some of you have opted to include kids at your weddings. But I personally have opted not to have them. Why? Because this isn't a BBQ. We are having a fancy event and I don't want kids running all over the place. I know some of you like that, but I don't. I'm sorry if some of you feel I'm "sad" that I feel this way, but that's my (and my fiance's) opinion. This doesn't mean we don't love our friends' kids, we just don't think a fancy wedding is an appropriate place for kids to be running around.

I don't think that's fair to compare what your wedding will be to one with kids as a "BBQ" like you're looking down on that. A wedding itself is quite an event, an event that everyone in attending (should) respect. Just because there are kids there, it doesn't mean it's going to be some downgrade snotty-nosed, out of control kid event. I agree that everyone has their own opinion, but you've got this "woe is me" attitude about it, and it really surprises me. Just because kids will be at my wedding, it doesn't mean it won't be "my" day.

Ok, I'll leave it at that because we obviously have incredibly opposite opinions about this. Just don't look down on other weddings, no matter how small or casual it is, or what the guest list is like.

[LCBride2007]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nini_Bride I don't think that's fair to compare what your wedding will be to one with kids as a "BBQ" like you're looking down on that. A wedding itself is quite an event, an event that everyone in attending (should) respect. Just because there are kids there, it doesn't mean it's going to be some downgrade snotty-nosed, out of control kid event. I agree that everyone has their own opinion, but you've got this "woe is me" attitude about it, and it really surprises me. Just because kids will be at my wedding, it doesn't mean it won't be "my" day. Ok, I'll leave it at that because we obviously have incredibly opposite opinions about this. Just don't look down on other weddings, no matter how small or casual it is, or what the guest list is like.

I have to back courtney up on this. My wedding was a far cry from a BBQ, but we welcomed kids. In fact, I WANTED them there. Now, I love a good BBQ, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I am alone in thinking that my wedding, and the other girls' weddings involving kids, were a tad more elegant than a backyard BBQ. While I respect your decision not to invite kids, I don't know that you need to belittle those of us that chose to include them in our day.

[Sarah]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nini_Bride I don't think that's fair to compare what your wedding will be to one with kids as a "BBQ" like you're looking down on that. A wedding itself is quite an event, an event that everyone in attending (should) respect. Just because there are kids there, it doesn't mean it's going to be some downgrade snotty-nosed, out of control kid event. I agree that everyone has their own opinion, but you've got this "woe is me" attitude about it, and it really surprises me. Just because kids will be at my wedding, it doesn't mean it won't be "my" day. Ok, I'll leave it at that because we obviously have incredibly opposite opinions about this. Just don't look down on other weddings, no matter how small or casual it is, or what the guest list is like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by akh I have to back courtney up on this. My wedding was a far cry from a BBQ, but we welcomed kids. In fact, I WANTED them there. Now, I love a good BBQ, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I am alone in thinking that my wedding, and the other girls' weddings involving kids, were a tad more elegant than a backyard BBQ. While I respect your decision not to invite kids, I don't know that you need to belittle those of us that chose to include them in our day.

Well said...I endorse!

[NYJen]

Didn't mean to offend anyone with the BBQ comment. I wasn't implying that your weddings were any less elegant. I only meant that the wedding I am having will not be set up as a kid friendly event - such as a BBQ.

[amym567]

I had 4 children at my wedding- my goddaughter 7, her sister 8, and brother 4 (who were my flowergirls and ring bearer), and my 2 month-old niece. When I talked to my friend, the mother of the 3 kids (who was a bridesmaid), I knew she and her husband wanted to go, but I didn't know if they'd want to bring their kids (expenses, or a chance to get away, etc.). She told me, "It's your wedding, if you want my kids there, they're there. If you want them left home, they're home." I have so much respect for her leaving it up to me! I heard so many comments from our other guests throughout the week about how well-behaved those kids were! They fit in great with everyone.

 

As for my brother, it worked out fine having the baby there! I was happy to that my new niece was included in our family pictures!

 

Now for my AHR, I put "adults only" on the invite, but will have the wedding party kids, and a few out-of-town "older" kids. The reason we did this was strictly numbers. We have quite a few friends with 3 or 4 kids, and there's no way our venue could accommodate that many extra people. So far, I haven't heard any complaints about it- but, like mentioned by another poster, it's close to home.

 

I think you need to do what's best for you!

Amy

[TracyK]

I am having kids at our wedding. There will be 7 ranging from 9 months to 14. Two will be mine. I agree that weddings are usually not the place for children. If we were to be having a wedding here, the reception would be no children for sure!!

However, I am with the others that most moms will not leave their children home while on vacation. Including myself, so children will be there. I really have always wanted to get married with my toes in the sand so a destination wedding was a must for me. I also must have our children attend, so we figured let everyone bring theirs. Which won't be too bad because my kids will have plenty of friends to play with.

My big concern is what these children will witness during the 7 night stay. I can't ask our friends without children to be watching their mouths and just being "good" because kids are present. We have some crazy friends and relatives. Most are older and have grown children, but still crazy. They like to drink and have a really good time, for sure will be first in line when the bars open at 10 in the morning!! It's vacation after all. I know that the moms that are bringing kids know what my family is like, and what they themselves are like when drinking. We have joked that we will need a pill to erase parts of that week from the kids memory! So I can understand not wanting children at your wedding, especially if you do not have kids. If it wasn't for me having my two, I would never have them at mine. Don't feel bad.

[-Kate-]

I don't think this is worth discussing anymore. We all know everyone has their own opinion on this.

 

I've been to weddings where I haven't been able to hear vows because kids were crying. I've been to weddings where there were 20 kids and they were all well behaved and fun. I was at one wedding where a kid snuck under my table and stabbed me in the foot with a fork! I've been to weddings where they were super boring and watching the kids play was the only entertainment.

 

It goes both ways and everyone has their own opinion on what they want.

[NATASHA]

This is an interesting discussion.

 

For the record, I'm not a kid person but I'm still not sure I understand the connection between a formal wedding and a no kid policy. I get the no kid policy - that's your choice. But our wedding was far from informal, and I think the kids really made it that much better.

 

Your thoughts that parents will loosen up if their kids aren't there is something else I don't get. At our wedding, the kids were getting people out on the dance floor. Parents were dancing with kids, each other, etc. The older folks (my parents, MIL, etc.) were dancing with the babies and the younger tykes which was good because my MIL was there alone and she was really self-concious about it and that she would have no one to dance with which, yes, was a conversation for three weeks prior to the wedding. Turns out, she was organizing the children into a little group on the side of the dance floor, making little dance trains, and she had a ball. If they weren't there, she would have been sitting off to the side with her sister watching people have fun. Also, frequently the guys don't want to dance, but the mom's do so they take their kids out and dance with them which makes both parents happy.

 

A wedding is a slice of life - for you and for your family. It's that little village thing. Well, without the kids, you're missing some of the village. For your guests, especially family, it's also an opportunity for THEM to make a memory and they'll love your wedding that much more. I'm the biggest fan of making sure your wedding is about what is important for you and your husband. Period. My point to posting is to help your understand what your family and friends might be thinking and feeling and to try to reassure you that there are a ton of positives to having them there and you won't notice anything negative about the kids being there if you notice them at all even if:

 

a) The toasts go on forever (ours went, on and on as every member of the wedding party wanted to toast as well as both my parents AND my grandmother)

 

You have a very formal first dance (we did an argentine tango to acoustical music - you can see how well behaved the kids were in a picture I'm going to post)

 

c) Your guests want to party and drink (the kids will actually get them more festive and keep them going)

 

d) Your ceremony is religous, long, whatever. This is frequently a rare experience for kids and their interested. They are like little sponges. Also, they respond to the atmosphere and they like dress up too (the girls).

 

I'm going to post a few pictures in a sec so you can see what I mean. I'm not trying to change your mind, but (just in case this escalates in your family) I am offering another perspective to help reassure you should you still be a bit undecided.