Honeymoon Phase...what honeymoon phase?

[Karen Aucoin]

Has anyone else gone through this? I need to vent and feel like I’m not crazy for wanting more. Let me start off by saying, yes, I was with my husband for eight years before we got married and I did know what I was getting myself into. The problem isn’t that I thought we would get married and everything would change but I didn’t expect things to get worse.

 

Let me start with what took place while we were on our week long wedding trip. He acted like it was a guys’ trip which included going out every night until the wee hours of the morning. On the night of our wedding I was embarrassed when I was with friends and strangers would come up and congratulate me and ask, “Where’s the groom?†and I would have to say, “Oh, he’s at the discoâ€. When I got upset about it I got lectured by his uncle about how it was a week of spending time with our friends and family who have traveled a long ways, blah blah and I was so mad. I wasn’t asking for much, just maybe even one night where we would go back to the room at the same time and not have it be when he’s annihilated and been out until 4:30 in the morning.

 

The night before our trash the dress session where we were to get up and have our photos at sunrise he showed up at 4:30am, had to be up at 6:00 and he had swollen eyelids, a swollen ankle from falling down some wet stairs, and at one point actually said to me as we were face- to- face in the ocean, “I think I might throw upâ€. Can you imagine?!?! Then his mother says (in regards to the 6am trash the dress session), “You should just be grateful that he showed upâ€.

 

Well we’ve been home now and all I can say is the trend has continued. He works out of town primarily during the week and the odd days that he is home his evenings include watching hockey, UFC and football and being attached to his blackberry and laptop 24/7 (he owns his own business so some of blackberry/text/laptop I can understand). He goes out every weekend with the guys and since we live out of town, he stays at his friends place to avoid the $60 cab ride home. When he makes it home maybe by 1:00 in the afternoon, he lies around watching t.v. and being hung-over while I do housework, buy groceries, walk the dogs etc. After two and a half months of being married we went out to one movie two weekends ago and dinner consisted of the Wendy’s drive-thru and went to a friend’s house this past weekend for a birthday party (an hour and a half away) and he and my cousin, which was one of his groomsmen, took his truck and I took our dogs in my vehicle. His reasons: there’s not enough room in the truck and you won’t want to sit around while we sort out our work tools on Sunday. In the end he and my cousin went to their friends’ house on Sunday to watch football and came home at 9:00pm which is now clearly the reason for the two vehicles.

 

I look at peoples pictures on Facebook of all the fun stuff they do with their significant others and I feel like where’s my fun? I’m so angry and mad at all this stuff that there is no connection between us what-so-ever and I can’t imagine how much longer I can go on feeling like this. When he is in town I come home from work and go straight to the bedroom and watch t.v. and he does his thing in the living room. It’s like a vicious cycle, he’s frustrated with our lack of intimacy and I’m angry and therefore not the least bit interested in being intimate. Has anyone else gone through this? Do I need to make more of an effort in order for him to put more into our relationship? I just feel like things are so far gone I don't even know where to start to make it better.

[Cindy*]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sure you have tried but I would make sure to tell your husband how you feel. Sometimes men really are oblivious. I hope that you are able to work things out so that you are happy in your marriage. Hugs.

[marak]

First, the TTD thing. I would have made him do it, then done a 4-course breakfast session, with friends and family, photog capturing him hurl all over himself, then crucified him. You are a saint and I admire your composure.

 

OK...first a couple of questions:

 

1. How old is he? If he is over 25, it's weird that he is still out until 4:30am and hung over on the weekends. As well, I see his friends have no kids...ie they're out partying and letting him stay over on weekends...leading to my next question...

 

2. What was the situation with him sleeping at his friends place every weekend before the wedding, for the last 8 years? I ask this b/c it sounds like you are asking for a problem here. Let me explain, not blaming you, just saying...I am not a jealous woman by any means, but my fiance would not be sleeping anywhere but in our bed, except for the very rare occassion. Nor would I for that matter. There is nothing good coming from this. Yes, trust, trust trust. I trust my dog won't go through the garbage too, but I'm not leaving it out in the morning either, and that beach is trained!! Just somethin' ta roll around.

 

Now...heeheeheee As far as the dogs and the groceries...darling, get creative. Picture this, you take the dogs out unbeknownst to your hubbie. Heck, he's hungover on the couch, won't even know you did it. Save a good dookers, a real stinker, and place it in his shoe (or whatever other crap he left laying around apparently too hungover to put where it lives), give it a smush or so.

*Sorry puppers, but daddy needs a lesson.*

Anyhoo... Then, you go grocery shopping while he's passed out. Picture it:

You are putting away Lean Cuisines, Kashi meals a head of lettuce and low or non-fat everything (that he will NEVER eat and the ONLY things you purchased!). The bags are crinkling, cabinets are banging (a wee bit louder than usual). He wakes up hooting about how you're banging around and smells something ...poop in the shoe. (evil grin)

You: "Honey, I thought you were going to walk Fido? I think he's sick, there's poop in your shoe."

Suddenly he realizes all that hungover sleeping and shoe-poo cleaning has worked up an appetite...to find Kashi in the ol' ice-box.

You: "Sorry hon, you were sleeping, I wasn't sure what you wanted."

Repeat as necessary.

 

Apologies for babbling, first week of classes, Physics & Toxicology have me in rare form.

[vdaybride]

Marak! you are too funny.

 

Karen, first let me say, I am so sorry that you seem so unhappy so early into your marriage. I must get to the point..if he was this way before you got married, what made you think that signing a piece of paper would change him.. Men!! Maybe you need to have a sit down with him and voice your concerns. It seems as far as he is concerned, there is no problem. He probably feels that "I have been doing this all along and she hasn't said anything, let me continue and see what else I can get away with. Maybe try couples therapy or at least a few good relationship books. I wish you all the best!! Sending a big hug with this message

[Girasole]

Here is the thing...if this is something he was doing before you were married, most likely he won't change. I learned in my first marriage, don't try to change the person you are with. Now, if this behavior is recent & getting worse post-wedding then there are some things you & your DH need to talk about. I am sorry you are going through this but he needs to see it face first & decide, cut out the late night crap or ... It's not worth it to be miserable but don't think he knows how you feel if you haven't laid it out on the table. Men can be clueless when it comes to things.

[*Heather*]

My thoughts are the same as some of the others....

 

1) How old is he?

2) Have you always kept quiet about how his behaviour bothers you, or does he know that it bothers you? I know you can't "change" people but if you continue to allow him to behave that way, he will.

[Loveisintheair]

My prayers are with you and your hubby. My good friend who has been married 23 years and she is 41 told me that whatever you don't like about him amplifies when you get married. People don't change because of marriage they change because they want to. I agree you need to talk with him and counseling is a good idea. Express how it makes you feel and then walk away so he can digest it.

[*Nadine*]

I agree with Loveisintheair - if this was the way your hubby acted before marriage, I would only think it would amplify AFTER you got married. You need to sit down with him and go over why he feels the need to do what he is doing and let him know it bothers you. As long as you sit back on the sidelines and let him continue doing this with no reprocussions, he will continue doing it. The only way he will change is if he wants to.

[AnnaBanana]

Yep, I'm agreeing with these girls, too. If this was something he did before, it's going to be worse now that you're married because he feels secure in the fact that you will always put up with it.

 

If you ignore it, it's only going to get worse.

 

I'm sooo sorry he's treating you this way - and even worse- people are backing him up.

[Karen Aucoin]

Just to add a few points...it wasn't always like this. We were suppose to move about two years ago and he started spending more time with his friends who all live about 30 minutes away. I didn't really mind when he stayed in town occasionaly because the cab ride was so expensive and then I was the one who had to drive him into town the next day to get his truck. His reason for spending so much time with his friends was that we were going to be moving and he wouldn't get to hang out with them much.

 

Well, we decided not to move and he continued to hang out with them just as often. His friend is married and he would love it if she and I were to be best friends so that we could go do our thing while they played poker etc. But...his wife and I, while we are friends, it's not like we go and hang out together on weekends.

 

I'm 32 and my husband is 31. We talk about having kids, as does his best buddy/partner in crime, and he says things will be different and I do believe that but what if we don't have kids for a couple of years? I can't go through this. It's like he just has so many other things he'd rather do than spend time with me. We have tried to talk about it before but it somehow always gets turned around into something else.