Does this make me a horrible person????

[Ana]

Do you think its possible that the issues are really ones that you have with yourself, and maybe you're diverting the responsibility onto him? Maybe you feel insecure. That could also make you less attracted to another person, experience loss of sex drive etc... Attraction is something you feel based on chemistry not only physical appearance. I would suggest if there are issues that you see someone about it, and try to change within yourself first. Maybe bring him to the counselling session as well. You can't make someone workout if they don't want to, but you can choose to change yourself.

[bholthof]

Just wondering - if he has no problem critiquing you then I don't think you should have a problem bringing up your concerns with him.

 

Or maybe you just have to let it go. If he doesn't see a problem or want to do anything about it - then he isn't going to do anything about it no matter what. It sounds like you've already tried to bring it up a bit... but if he has no interest then he isn't going to do anything about it.

 

Maybe he won't look perfect in your wedding pictures - but its still going to be your wedding day, which means as long as you love each other it will be wonderful, and the pictures will be a great memory. Besides, when you're both 85, you aren't going to be in good shape anyway.

 

I think that as long as he isn't ACTIVELY living a slovenly or lazy lifestyle, which is causing him to gain weight - a few extra pounds is just more to love. As long as he isn't unhealthy - just let it go. When its a health issue, then bring it up - but unless he is motivated to make a change, it isn't going to happen.

[diamondpooch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bholthof Just wondering - if he has no problem critiquing you then I don't think you should have a problem bringing up your concerns with him. Or maybe you just have to let it go. If he doesn't see a problem or want to do anything about it - then he isn't going to do anything about it no matter what. It sounds like you've already tried to bring it up a bit... but if he has no interest then he isn't going to do anything about it. Maybe he won't look perfect in your wedding pictures - but its still going to be your wedding day, which means as long as you love ea ch other it will be wonderful, and the pictures will be a great memory. Besides, when you're both 85, you aren't going to be in good shape anyway. I think that as long as he isn't ACTIVELY living a slovenly or lazy lifestyle, which is causing him to gain weight - a few extra pounds is just more to love. As long as he isn't unhealthy - just let it go. When its a health issue, then bring it up - but unless he is motivated to make a change, it isn't going to happen.

ya I agree with this. His parents and I and his friends have made slight comments here or there and nothing has come of it so I guess if he doesn't care he doesn't care.
As far as me being insecure, I don't think I'm insecure at all. Sure I have the same issues all women have but completely secure with my appearance.
I think those who advised that I should think twice before walking down the aisle were a bit harsh. That is quite presumtuous to determine if two ppl are right for each other or prepared to be married. Fi is my whole life and I love him no matter what and this weight surely isn't a deal breaker! I just want to stop it before it gets any worse.
I completely agree that attraction is both chemistry and physical so maybe my words wld have been better if I clarified that my physical attraction to him has changed. I'm certainly still attracted to the man that he is.

[Ana]

You do realize though that one day your husband will be older, have wrinkles, loose skin, maybe experience some hair loss. Will that also affect your attraction to him. Sorry I guess I really honestly do not understand this. I do not understand how it is possible to feel less attracted to your partner if they gain a little bit of weight. My attraction to my husband is not predicated on his physical appearance by any means. My attraction stems from my affection for him, and I think that perhaps your choice of words were a bit offensive to some spouses on this forum, I know they were for me.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ana You do realize though that one day your husband will be older, have wrinkles, loose skin, maybe experience some hair loss. Will that also affect your attraction to him. Sorry I guess I really honestly do not understand this. I do not understand how it is possible to feel less attracted to your partner if they gain a little bit of weight. My attraction to my husband is not predicated on his physical appearance by any means. My attraction stems from my affection for him, and I think that perhaps your choice of words were a bit offensive to some spouses on this forum, I know they were for me.

I don't mean to be rude but from what you said I have to wonder if you've ever actually delt with weight issues for yourself or someone you love? Yes, everybody changes physically but I would hazard a guess that you would NOT be all hot and bothered by your husband if he got to the point where you had to clean his fat folds or change his bedsheets because he can't go to the bathroom. You make your statement as if it's an absolute with no limits and it most likely is. You would still LOVE him and have the same emotional attachment but I doubt you would want him physically anymore. No, this case isn't that extreme and I personally wouldn't be less attracted to somebody just because of 20 pounds. But I'm sure you realize the EMOTIONAL connections associated with weight. It honestly makes you feel like shit to not be in good shape. I would bet that if your husband started doing nothing, sitting on the couch all day eating chips and cookies and put on 40 pounds over the next couple months the sex would start dropping off. Just like you said, so much of attraction is based on your emotional attachment to him and you'd probably start losing respect for him if he stopped caring about himself. That loss of respect would translate to loss of physical attraction AT SOME POINT. Everybody has different "breaking" points depending on your relationship, your activity and body condition previously established in the relationship.

My fiance sees me now as 30 pounds overweight and I can tell you for a fact that our relationship was better physically when I was a normal weight. Does he love me less? No and I don't doubt that. But I feel better when I'm a normal weight which translates HUGELY to my self esteem and overall mood on a daily basis. My mood affects him and makes him feel better along with him finding me more attractive because i'm in better shape. Wrinkles, loose skin and a balding head are NOT things you can control like weight. Weight says a lot about how much a person cares about themselves.

And as far as people saying to wait UNTIL it's a healthy concern...I personally feel like that's a HUGE mistake. 50 pounds is sooooo much harder to lose than 20 lbs. You CANNOT wait and let yourself get to a point where its harder to get the weight off and permanent damage has already been done. I struggle every single day with this. I do NOT want to be overweight my whole life and have to have both knees and probably hips replaced like my grandmother. I do NOT want to develop diabetes because I was comfortable with the excess weight and it didn't SEEM like a healthy hazard at the time. I am trying SO hard to establish a healthy lifestyle that I can stick with forever so that I never develop problems in the first place. I should have listened to my parents when they told me at 15 that I should be losing weight because it would be easier to do young and while the problem wasn't out of control....

[KJT1985]

Hehe I also love how its the pretty people who are saying "it shouldn't matter". ;-)

[Alyssa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KJT1985 Hehe I also love how its the pretty people who are saying "it shouldn't matter". ;-)

this statement is really uncalled for and rude. you have absolutely NO IDEA what individual people's issues have been and are about weight and being "pretty" or good looking is irrelevant to having an opinon.

[CaraW]

I understand what you are saying diamondpooch. FI and I had both gained a little weight a little while ago, and recently joined a gym to lose the pounds together. I also understand what you mean when you said that you are becoming less PHYSICALLY attracted to him. That does not mean you don't love him any less, or you think of him any differently. I don't think you are a horrible person at all.

It's hard when someone changes from being an active, and fairly fit person, to not caring at all. I think sometimes we just get too comfortable in our relationships, but it does affect the physical attraction when there is a big change in the way a person is... not just looks. If he's going from caring about the way he looks, to not caring at all then that's hard. I can understand that.

FI and I have always been active people, going on bike rides and hikes and always out doors. Until that time when we got too comfortable in our relationship and basically became couch potatoes and drank a lot of beer, and ate a lot of pizza and junk food... this started to become an issue for both of us, and that's why we decided to change our lifestyle back to the way it was. I think both of us stopped caring about our physical appearance because we knew we're here for eachother forever, but the fact that we stopped caring was the problem, not that we looked different. We were both still attracted to eachother, and still loved eachother so much.

What I would do is approach him from the health standpoint. Tell him that fitness is a big deal to you and you'd like him to want to go for runs with you, and bike rides, etc. And tell him that it seems he doesn't want to do any activities now and that upsets you. Maybe he needs you to push him a little to be motivated? I know I need that from my FI sometimes. FI will ask me to come to the gym with him one night, and depending on how I feel that day, I will sometimes display complete disinterest, because I'm tired from work, and I have a million reasons why I don't want to go, but a little push from him and once I go, I love it so much! Is that the kind of dis intereste he's showing? When you ask him to go he says no, he doesn't feel like it?, etc?

[diamondpooch]

I totally understand that he will one day become wrinkly and lose his hair and possibly be peeing his pants too! but those are nature taking course and unavoidable. Being healthy is a choice I thought we agreed upon in the beginning of our relationship.

I was only looking for advice on a not so odd topic and now ppl are fighting so just nevermind!!! I appreciate eeryine outlook! I really do! I have been thinking them all over today and I actually feel better about it all, so that's good!

What I love about bdw is how open and honest we r with helping each other during our most special time in our lives and I didn't intend for my thread to cause hostility!!!!

Truly all the comments, nice and not so nice, have helped me today to look at things another way and I thank u all for that.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alyssa this statement is really uncalled for and rude. you have absolutely NO IDEA what individual people's issues have been and are about weight and being "pretty" or good looking is irrelevant to having an opinon.

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for it to be rude. It was supposed to be a joke and a compliment... :-(