rude BM or just being helpful?

[Billisa]

Both my FI and mother have an opinion that differs with mine and I want more people to weigh in on it.

 

My BM and her boyfriend just left yesterday to go up to the resort a week early, as they got a pretty good deal and they wanted an extra week of holidays. They have said they will let me know how the resort is, send pictures, check out the other weddings, and generally scope out the place. Now, both of them are kind of the "know it all" variety but they mean well and really want to help. Sometimes that drives FI nuts but I'm used to it and can ignore it.

 

What really , REALLY irks FI (and my mom but to a lesser degree) is that they are going up a week early to "steal our thunder". He thinks they are going to wreck the surprise by going up early, and he does not want them to "control our wedding" by telling us where to eat, what to do, how we should do our wedding etc. He is REALLY mad that they went up BEFORE us. I can totally see his point now, didn't then, but I do now. Still, that being said, it does not bother me like it bothers him!! And my mom agrees that it was rude of them to do this. I am the only one that is kind of shrugging her shoulders about it...to me, I would rather know as much as possible before we get there so I can be prepared to have a really great wedding. Am I being blind here? Is this really truly a rude thing to do?

 

What do you think?

[SusieQ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Billisa Both my FI and mother have an opinion that differs with mine and I want more people to weigh in on it. My BM and her boyfriend just left yesterday to go up to the resort a week early, as they got a pretty good deal and they wanted an extra week of holidays. They have said they will let me know how the resort is, send pictures, check out the other weddings, and generally scope out the place. Now, both of them are kind of the "know it all" variety but they mean well and really want to help. Sometimes that drives FI nuts but I'm used to it and can ignore it. What really , REALLY irks FI (and my mom but to a lesser degree) is that they are going up a week early to "steal our thunder". He thinks they are going to wreck the surprise by going up early, and he does not want them to "control our wedding" by telling us where to eat, what to do, how we should do our wedding etc. He is REALLY mad that they went up BEFORE us. I can totally see his point now, didn't then, but I do now. Still, that being said, it does not bother me like it bothers him!! And my mom agrees that it was rude of them to do this. I am the only one that is kind of shrugging her shoulders about it...to me, I would rather know as much as possible before we get there so I can be prepared to have a really great wedding. Am I being blind here? Is this really truly a rude thing to do? What do you think?

I am so agreeing with you about being mature about this and grateful that someone may be able to give you some insight to the location. I think positive thoughts are in order here and my hats off to you for thinking that way.
If

If BM and bfriend give you negitive info or start trying to take over your wedding, you sound like your grounded enough to handle it. "sorry guys I am going in this direction, my wedding you better catch up and stay on plan".

I am totally supporting your attitude!!!!!! tell FI and Mom to chill... it's all good.

PS Good Luck and have a great time

[Billisa]

Thank you Susie Q! You and I are the only ones so far who have this opinion. The funny thing is, the more FI rages about it, the more upset he makes me...which is the opposite of how I was feeling before, kwim? Like, none of this bothered me before, and THAT seems to bother FI...sigh...we just don't see eye to eye on some things and this is one of them.

 

He said that if it bothers him, as his soon-to-be wife I should handle it and warn them not to send us any pics etc. Which I did. So hopefully this is dropped now. Until of course they meet our bus at the resort with drinks in hand.

[JulieG]

I don't think its rude. I think its strange that they would do that, I personally would have stayed at a sister resort, but I have been a DW bride, so I would like about the bide and what might bother her, people who don't know what its like would not think about that.

 

I don't think she went there to control your wedding, she got a good deal and decided to jump on it and I understand that. If when you get there she starts acting sort of bossy, tell her that you are excited to figure these things out on your own and really don't want her opinion, but in a nice way of course. If she has a bad attitude and starts to say bad things, they cut her off right away. If she truly has good things to say that might help you, then I think you should hear her out.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by just letting it go, there is nothing you can do about it, so why stress about it.

[Jessica]

I honestly do no see the big deal with them going early. No one can control an aspect of your life unless you allow them to control it, so it may be annoying to hear their opinions on where to eat and what to do, but you can make a choice to ignore it and your own decisions.

 

I also don't understand when people talk about having their thunder stolen from them. Maybe I was just a reallly laid back bride (and laid back person), but even on my wedding day I didn't really have an all about me attitude as far as thinking that EVERYONE else should focus on me or adjust their arrangements to fit me. I was focused solely on me and my DH but I didn't expect anyone else (well, except for DH of course!) to be. To me that's just part of co-existing on this planet with other poeple. Other people will live their lives and do their own thing and make their own memories. Again, you are in control of your own thunder. You can either own the moment or you can allow yourself to get upset because others are making their own memories at the same time you are making yours.

 

FI and mom need to take a step back and R-E-L-A-X and adopt the same attitude you have, because once you go down that road of thinking someone is ruining your wedding then you will set your self up for failure because you will have that mindset going into it.

 

I think you have a great attitude about the whole thing and realize that this is YOUR special day regardless of what others do. No one can ruin this for you.

[Billisa]

thanks for your comments! I really need to hear everything you are saying!

 

That being said, how can I possibly "calm down" FI and my mother? Any suggestions? LOL

[Billisa]

thanks for your comments! I really need to hear everything you are saying!

 

That being said, how can I possibly "calm down" FI and my mother? Any suggestions? LOL

[Princess402]

Hard to know what your BMs intentions are (to me I think probably harmless/helpful, but I also don't know her and her boyfriend like you do), but I think that you are totally right to not want to worry about it! I mean it seems kind of silly that your FI (and your mom) are getting upset about this because they feel like it's going to ruin your experience... because isn't all this negativity and getting worked up about it kind of ruining your experience also?

 

In a way I guess I can see what they are saying, but I just truly doubt that these folks went early to "steal your thunder" or something - seems like a bit much! I don't think you can begrudge people for wanting to take advantage of a good deal and extend their holiday. Maybe you could say it was thoughtless, but I doubt they realized that this would cause you any trouble. And if you know that their "helpfulness" can sometimes come across as "know-it-all-ness" then I guess maybe just try and be prepared for that and, as other posters have said, find a way to cut off any bossiness or unwanted advice before it gets to be too much. I would try and look at the positive as you are doing, and just try and use them being their early to your advance and get all the tips and tricks you can from them in order to make your stay and your wedding as successful and beautiful as possible!

[amygirl1169]

I have a similar situation, where the BM and his wife are flying from another province, and it was cheaper for them to fly in a day or two before us, and I have to admit, at first I thought the same thing as your FI and mother, that they're going to know everything about the resort before we even get there!

 

But really, what can you do? It's not a big deal, unless they start trying to control your plans and that's just not cool regardless of how much they know about the resort.

[moonpalacebride]

I fully agree with you, and if it ends up feeling like they are "stealing your thunder" just remember that it's fully up to you what you want to do, and their reviews/opinions aren't that important. They could be helpful but just make your own decisions based on what you want! Remind the FI and your mom of this, and hopefully they'll see that it's not that big of a deal! You don't need any more stress on your big day, so don't let it bug you