Stupid family. I don't want it to bother me but it does.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bholthof No, you can't OD on pot - at least not like you can OD on other drugs. However, these days most pot is laced with other, harder drugs - hence why pot is called a gateway drug. And even though pot is a "naturally grown substance" rather than a chemical, its not exactly safe, either. Leaving aside the fact that it is a drug, the levels of THC(?) in pot are worse than those of cigarettes, which causes other problems. It sounds to me that your cousin and his parents are absolutely right about not wanting to make a decision right now. Your other aunt, on the other hand, very well could be just waffling. Although, if it was HER mother that just died recently - she may just not feel up to going. We are also currently experiencing some issues with family members. It totally sucks, but at the end of the day, if they aren't going to be there, then they aren't going to be there. But these are immediate family member in my case - brothers and parents. I don't expect ANY of my aunts and uncles to go. Take a breath - even if it was just you and your FI, it would still be a great day, right??

YES it would still be a great day. When we were there for the funeral she was talking about how much she needed a vacation because of my grandma and how hard they would try to be there so I got my hopes up which is making it worse I think. She's also been the type of person who needs to be the boss so I think maybe she feels like she needs to be around to handle things if something were to happen. I feel like it's really the waffling and emotional rollercoaster I've been put on. First, I don't think we can go. Then yes, we'll book as soon as your parents do. Now they won't.

Yeah, I think most of us feel like he's doing more than just pot. I HATE that he's doing this to himself and it makes me so sad because he could have such a great life if he'd straighten up. He can really be a great person. I feel terrible for him and his family and think the best thing they can do is stay home and take care of him. I have NO problems with that would never expect anything else. I'm just not sure what my aunt expects to accomplish by staying home.

[DanielleNDerek]

I think your taking it way too personal. I would just focus on whose coming to your DW and be happy that you can spend time with them. I'm sure your aunts would rather be at your DW than worrying about your cousin. In regards to your cousin, i think it does sound pretty serious, i know you said he's just a pothead but you also said he has mental problems and ends up in an ER every few months, that sounds really bad and i can understand why your aunts are worried about your cousin and your cousin's father who isnt handling it that well.

 

I would just let it go and if your aunts decide to come later than great, if not there's nothing you can do about it. When you get home you can show them all your great pics of your wedding and your vacation there and i'm sure they'll regret not being there.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carly I don't know, I think it's a bit of an overreaction. I know I was super disappointed when people didn't come to JA for my wedding too, so I understand it. But I can tell you that we had our immediate family (parents and siblings) along with a few aunts/cousins and a few friends to total 25 people and it was PERFECT. Whoever is missing once youa re there, won't be missed. But the part that confuses me is how you are saying that everyone else is being selfish, but you can't see your own selfishness. And I'm not even trying to be mean, since I was the same way planning my wedding. I coudln't understand why my wedding wasn't everyone else priority. But I don't understand how you can be mad at your cousin. He obviously has a problem and having his family support him is HUGE. My brother wasn't able to come to JA for my wedding b/c of similar issues and we def missed him, but we are just so happy to have him back to normal. It was worth him missing my wedding to have him straighten his life out. But by the same token that you say, you don't understand why your aunt would miss your wedding for your cousin, you can flip that coin and say why would you aunt not be there to support your cousin for your wedding? Having family support is important to BOTH. But sometimes as an addict, it's only the visible support that you can see. So maybe having his family with him is very important at this time.

I get where you're coming from. I think it's also hard to convey the whole family dynamics in a setting like this. My aunt isn't actually actively doing anything to help my cousin which is why it's confusing. She doesn't make trips to see him or call him. If she does call him it's to lecture him - not in a loving, supportive "you can do this" way. So I'm just not sure WHAT it is that she thinks she could be contributing by staying home. I guess if she hadn't made such a big deal about it and laid the guilt trip on me I wouldn't mind as much. I also think it's because no matter what happens i'll be the one to blame. If she ends up staying it'll be my fault for having a destination wedding, if she doesn't book till a month ahead of time i'll have to hear about how expensive it was or how the resort was booked. It just puts me in a situation to have a guilt trip laid on me no matter what happens.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carly I don't know, I think it's a bit of an overreaction. I know I was super disappointed when people didn't come to JA for my wedding too, so I understand it. But I can tell you that we had our immediate family (parents and siblings) along with a few aunts/cousins and a few friends to total 25 people and it was PERFECT. Whoever is missing once youa re there, won't be missed. But the part that confuses me is how you are saying that everyone else is being selfish, but you can't see your own selfishness. And I'm not even trying to be mean, since I was the same way planning my wedding. I coudln't understand why my wedding wasn't everyone else priority. But I don't understand how you can be mad at your cousin. He obviously has a problem and having his family support him is HUGE. My brother wasn't able to come to JA for my wedding b/c of similar issues and we def missed him, but we are just so happy to have him back to normal. It was worth him missing my wedding to have him straighten his life out. But by the same token that you say, you don't understand why your aunt would miss your wedding for your cousin, you can flip that coin and say why would you aunt not be there to support your cousin for your wedding? Having family support is important to BOTH. But sometimes as an addict, it's only the visible support that you can see. So maybe having his family with him is very important at this time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek I think your taking it way too personal. I would just focus on whose coming to your DW and be happy that you can spend time with them. I'm sure your aunts would rather be at your DW than worrying about your cousin. In regards to your cousin, i think it does sound pretty serious, i know you said he's just a pothead but you also said he has mental problems and ends up in an ER every few months, that sounds really bad and i can understand why your aunts are worried about your cousin and your cousin's father who isnt handling it that well. I would just let it go and if your aunts decide to come later than great, if not there's nothing you can do about it. When you get home you can show them all your great pics of your wedding and your vacation there and i'm sure they'll regret not being there.

Thanks. This is the type of thing I need to hear. I guess I just want the supportive kind of family my fiance has. I feel bad that he has over 20 people coming and i've got my parents and one friend. Again, it's not about the number of people. Guess it just sucks to feel like you don't matter that much.

[CristiandJamie]

KJT1985, Everything will work out and I'm sorry that not everyone on this thread sees your point of view. Aren't you allowed to be selfish especially on your wedding day? Plus your cousin constantly messing up is really the selfish one and probably does it to get attention. I sometimes think that babying someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do because they know you will give them attention if they screw up (over and over again)!

 

I'm with you sister!

 

Cristi

[classadiva]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KJT1985 Thanks. This is the type of thing I need to hear. I guess I just want the supportive kind of family my fiance has. I feel bad that he has over 20 people coming and i've got my parents and one friend. Again, it's not about the number of people. Guess it just sucks to feel like you don't matter that much.

I feel for you...and I actually think that some folks are being a bit TOO harsh on you. Reading some of these threads, it's often those that have already had their day...are already married and can look at it from a different perspective than those of us whom are in the throes of planning that are the harshest. I'm not saying this to call anyone out because I actually UNDERSTAND where they are coming from...I just think that some should TRY to look at things from the place of someone in the midst of planning their wedding. Remember how sensitve you might have been when in our position. JMHO and two cents.

Are you being a bit selfish? I don't think it's so much being selfish as being disappointed. IMHO, you have every right to be. Your aunt's excuse sounds like nonsense and it sounds as if many were never really that supportive to begin with. You have every right to want your loved ones to be there for you and right now...at this place in time...you are upset...so what? You are human. As we all are.

I would stop focusing on whether or not you are being selfish and try to get your mind set around the fact that no matter what...you are marrying the man that you love. In that way...you are luckier than many.

All the best.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CristiandJamie KJT1985, Everything will work out and I'm sorry that not everyone on this thread sees your point of view. Aren't you allowed to be selfish especially on your wedding day? Plus your cousin constantly messing up is really the selfish one and probably does it to get attention. I sometimes think that babying someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do because they know you will give them attention if they screw up (over and over again)! I'm with you sister! Cristi

Thank you so so much. Yes, I do think I get to be a bit selfish but I also think that I haven't really been that bad. I haven't demanded people be there and have been very accepting when people say they can't go. I totally accept that my uncle and his family need to stay home. I just don't like that my aunt says she'll be there and now thinks she needs to stay home when she's not actually doing anything to help the situation. Unless something drastically changed she'd maybe miss calling my uncle twice? And yeah, alot of it is for attention. If I thought her presence was going to make a difference for my uncle or my cousin I would demand she STAY HOME. But it's not the case. Even my mom is confused by her.

[BachataBride]

Wow...intense thread!!

 

I can see both sides. Yes...you are being selfish...but also, you are hurting because you are not getting the support from your family that you need either.

 

I have a question, are you really close with this aunt? Do you have a bond with her that you don't have with your other aunts?

[*Heather*]

Maybe your aunt just thinks she needs to stay home because she feels it will look bad, and she will FEEL bad, being off on vacation at your wedding when someone else in the family is going through serious issues related to addiction? I think she would probably much rather be with you guys but maybe her conscience just won't let her do it. And I'm not saying this as a happily-already-married person, I'm trying to look at the situation objectively and see what I would do if I were in your aunt's shoes...?

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by classadiva I feel for you...and I actually think that some folks are being a bit TOO harsh on you. Reading some of these threads, it's often those that have already had their day...are already married and can look at it from a different perspective than those of us whom are in the throes of planning that are the harshest. I'm not saying this to call anyone out because I actually UNDERSTAND where they are coming from...I just think that some should TRY to look at things from the place of someone in the midst of planning their wedding. Remember how sensitve you might have been when in our position. JMHO and two cents. Are you being a bit selfish? I don't think it's so much being selfish as being disappointed. IMHO, you have every right to be. Your aunt's excuse sounds like nonsense and it sounds as if many were never really that supportive to begin with. You have every right to want your loved ones to be there for you and right now...at this place in time...you are upset...so what? You are human. As we all are. I would stop focusing on whether or not you are being selfish and try to get your mind set around the fact that no matter what...you are marrying the man that you love. In that way...you are luckier than many. All the best.

You just made me cry at work. Words cannot express how appreciative I am for this post. I have tried so hard NOT to be selfish or to stress about this whole thing. You hit the nail on the head when you said i'm disappointed. I really really am. Two days ago I was so pumped for this and now i'm so sad. I'm sad because I don't have the support that I want. I'm hurt that my wedding can't be the perfect dream we all try so hard to make it. I'm hurt that I don't have a happy healthy family who would jump through hoops selflessly to make our day the best. It hurts because it's exactly what I try so hard to do for everyone else. Yet it doesn't seem like I can get it in return.