Angry. Why can't he help me?!

[KJT1985]

My fiance is making me furious. Reading other brides problems here makes me feel like maybe i'm just being a baby but i'm still very mad at him.

 

My fiance is Canadian and his parents hosted a pre-wedding reception there just over a week ago (worked out better regarding vacation time). We had almost 90 people there and now have the wonderful task of writing thank you notes. While I don't think this is something anybody ENJOYS doing I think its proper etiquette and the least we can do to show our appreciation. Here's the problem - he won't help me with these AT ALL! All he could talk about before and after the reception was how much money we were going to make off it. I really don't like this side of him. Even though I appreciate that it makes him driven, I'm the type of person who could still be happy with life as long as we can meet our basics needs. I don't think money is everything but he's VERY focused on it. So now that he was all about the money AND it was only his side of the family that was there (MANY of which I hadn't even met before and he hasn't seen in 12+ years) it really pisses me off that he can't help me when I ask for it! This makes me so mad because I want him to be grateful for what we were given and I want him to F-ING help me when I ask for it! He's acting like such a child and i'm getting more and more angry.

 

He keeps telling me that there are things he does in the relationship and things I do and that this is just one of those things that I do. I just want to slap him! How rude, insensitive, and immature is that?! All he could talk about is the money and now he won't even make an effort to let people know he appreciated it OR help me when I bloody ask for it! I'm mad that he's not polite and even more angry that he doesn't respect me enough to help me when I ask for it. If he can't do this for is own damn family I know there's no way in hell he'll help me when it comes time to write mine!!!

[creoletexan]

I know how you feel, except my husband's handwriting is horrid and it's best that he doesn't do anything more than add the stamp and drop them off. Maybe you can have a friend to help you, though I do agree that indicating that it's your "job" is ridiculous. When my husband tries that, he almost always gets an earful.

[KJT1985]

Quote:

Originally Posted by creoletexan I know how you feel, except my husband's handwriting is horrid and it's best that he doesn't do anything more than add the stamp and drop them off. Maybe you can have a friend to help you, though I do agree that indicating that it's your "job" is ridiculous. When my husband tries that, he almost always gets an earful.

Well that'd be nice but this past summer we moved to a state where we have no friends and family (HIS job transferred us, i'm only bitter in times like these). I can't really ask my coworkers to help me write thank you notes when they aren't invited to the wedding. Haha! My fiance has horrible handwriting too but I don't even care! And I don't think the recipients would care either...cause it's the thought that counts. The least he could do is address them, stamp them and mail them if I have to write them all (and all for strangers to me no less!).

[Outdoor_girl1010]

Maybe I'm kinda mean, but I wouldn't do them, if he was going to be so rude and act like is the 1950's. It is his side. You are 100x better then me, because when he told you "that there are things he does in the relationship and things I do and that this is just one of those things that I do." I would have gone off. I might be the one who cooks in my house but if I was ever told this. I would not be cooking for awhile.

[KJT1985]

Yeah I don't appreciate it either (even though I know he does things I won't or can't). It's not like he canNOT do it, he just doesn't want to. I certainly took the time to remind him last night that it's that time of the month for me and my hand is going to cramp up from all the writing. Just something for him to think about.... lmao.

[echo2_62]

I can definitely see why you'd be frustrated!! Even though he considers it "your job" to be writing these, they maybe you can make some of it "his job" using some of the other ideas previously posted. Tell him that you will finish writing them, but he's the one who needs to get the envelops stamped and addressed and in the mail. Not the biggest help for you in getting them all written, but it puts some of the work on him. Either that or tell him that HE can write them for HIS family and YOU will write them for YOUR family. That way you're each doing your part of the "job" for your own family members.

 

I agree that I'd totally dig my heels in if I was directly told that it was my job - and believe me, we have had a few of our own issues similar since FI's family is all old farming type in a small town where they really were brought up that the women have their role!

 

Maybe try explaining to him that you're not entirely angry that YOU have to do ALL the work, more that you're angry at his apparent unwillingness and refusal to even consider helping you in any way. And remind him that typically when people give money (or any gift!) it's not unreasonable to expect a simple thanks and that if he continues his behaviour then you'll kindly write a 'thanks but no thanks' letter to his family instead and include their cheque when you send the card back (maybe he'll take heed if you caution him against LOSING all his money?!).

 

Good luck and don't feel bad about venting - just try to remember that explaining things to him and talking to him might serve better in the long run.

[riokayak]

That's a great idea echo2! If he won't show his thanks by helping with the thank you's then he shouldn't get to spend any of the money. I totally agree KJT1985, thank you's are a must. It is pretty rediculous he won't even consider helping you. We haven't done thank you's yet, but for our invitations FI helped with the addressing for his family. Both of us have bad hand writing, but his family is more formal then mine so he was responsible for making sure he had that piece correct, so no one was offended. :-)

 

For thank you's I think we'll use the same method, he can do his side and I'll do mine. Sometime I have to give FI options, either you can do 1. all the thank you cards for your family or 2. we can send the money back.... FI knows if it comes to that I'm serious. The first one I'd send back would be his mom's. :-) Hopefully he just agrees to help.

[KJT1985]

Thanks girls. I tried that - I just told him that we were going to sit down and do 10 each last night and every night until we got done but he refused. It's really too bad I can't hold the money over his head but it's pretty much already gone - paid off some more of our honeymoon, paid off some on the car, bought a new fridge for the house. Haha.

 

And honestly, if it didn't reflect poorly on me as well I'd just forget the whole thing and let him do whatever he wanted for his side. I know he wouldn't even bother sending them notes if it was up to him. Just sucks that it'd be a bad reflection on me as well! I also hate that when things like this happen he gets mad at ME! wtf?! I'M the one who's mad here! But he'll act like i'm the one in the wrong. Grr (that's nothing new to me though). I just told him today when I was yelling at him that the least he can do is address some envelopes!! So we'll see..

[*Lo*]

Wow boys are SO frustrating!!!

 

So I would say F it and just not do them since he doesn't care and it's his family...but I do agree it kind of reflects badly on you if they gave you gifts. Also even just that they all attended.

 

In this case I'd say suck it up, do them, and assign him a different task to do. In the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world. Although I'm totally on your side with this, because it puts you in a lose-lose position.

 

Figure out some 'boy' tasks and get him working on them!

[JuneWeddingDreams]

All I have to say is ....MEN...They never change!!!! It is one breed I will not ever fully understand! I feel for you and have been there...hang in there!