long vent - hurt :(

[tammikins]

so a bit of background - we have our legal wedding coming up in 2 weeks then DW a week after. We had an adorable little venue set up (only 8 ppl were going to be present). then my brother finds out he has to mark exams the day of my wedding and there is no way he can get out of it. So FI and I decide that it is important for my brother to be there, so we were trying to move the wedding to the university where he works. And its a very VERY ugly place, but it was more important for my brother to be there.

 

This past sunday I went to help my brother's wife paint a new store she's opening up, with the plan that my brother and FI would come over later to help. FI went to the mall that morning and stopped by the casino that opened next to the mall. Well, he just happened to walk away with $1000 in about 20 minutes. This is like the second time he has been to the casino since I've known him. I guess when my brother and FI were driving over to see me at the store I was painting, FI told my brother he went to the casino.

 

All is fine and happy until my brother calls my mom late that night to say "mom, i'm worried about [FI], I think he has a gambling addiction". This morning, I told my mom about the money FI won, so she told be about what my brother said, and I just explained that my FI is totally not like that and all was fine. Since I was pretty mad at my brother at this point, I told my mom next time she talks to my brother, to tell him to bring these kinds of problems he has to me, not go crying to mommy.

 

I had a final exam this morning. My brother calls me about 5 minutes before the exam starts, and i told him, hey, no big deal, I appreciate the concern but there's really nothing to worry about. He starts saying that "[FI] is just a random guy who lives with [me]" and pretty much said that he doesn't know him from a hole in the ground until we get married. Then he goes on to play detective and ask about why I thought he was in debt when i first met him (when he knows full well its because of a car accident that is still in the process of being settled and caused him to miss over a month of work and cause a ton of medical bills). I had to go because I had to write the exam so I kinda cut my brother off and todl him I gotta go.

 

After the exam I call my mom at work and she's just sobbing, because I guess my brother called her and told her the same thing. I'm really angry that he would say those things about FI. Honestly, whats going to change for my brother in 2 weeks when we sign the marriage certificate? And after I go through all this trouble to change my wedding just so that my brother would be there, and both FI and I spend like 12 hours to help his wife on our one day off.

 

I don't want to tell FI about any of this because I know it would just kill him to know that my brother would say something like that (he doesn't have too many friends and values my brother's friendship). I don't know what to do and I'm so hurt and angry.

[*Linds*]

wow, that's just horrible! I would be so hurt too! I wish I had some good advice for this one, but I'm not sure I do. I would like to think that your bro is just looking out for you as his sister, but is going about it the wrong way. You are very smart by not telling your FI about it, I'm sure it would really hurt him...

 

Hang in there girl! I'm sorry I don't have any good words of wisdom

[SusieQ]

Sounds like there is some jealous feelings from your brother.... That is pretty hurtful

[Nonnie]

Having just had my brother get married, I can understand some of the weird emotions etc going on here.

 

Until your Fi came into your life your brother was your sort of your #1 guy, he is protective of you (like any good brother) and does not want you to ever get hurt. now he feels replaced by your FI, enter the green eyes of jealousy. He may not be fully aware of it, but he views your FI as having taken someone important out of his life, I'm guessing you, like most brides, spend less time with your brother now then you did when you were single, or even n a less committed relationship.

 

Of course, your brother's actions are not OK, I'm just trying to understand them and put them into perspective. If I were you I would opt to go our for coffee with him, explain how you feel, explain why he is wrong about what he said, explain how he is still a big part of your life (so big you changed your wedding plans so he could be there) but now you have another big part of your life. Say you think he should try to get to know your FI better, maybe try and convince them to do a boy-bonding night of sports and beer. You will have to urge them to break the ice.

 

I strongly recommend a book called "Emotionally Engaged" I read it, it was great and now I have past it on to a newly engaged girl I know.

[silverangel]

First off, sorry that you have to deal with this issue so close to your wedding...

 

That would really hurt me as well, if my brother did that to me.

 

I'm guessing that your brother really cares about you and is just being protective, which is sweet and all, but is going about it the wrong way. Maybe deep down he does have some concerns and just doesn't know how to bring it up with you in conversation, and is lashing out by going through your mom.

 

I would sit down with him and ask him what it is that is really bothering him about your FI, and stress how important both him and your FI are to you as well as their future relationship with eachother.

 

Good luck, I hope your countdown to your wedding only gets better

[egsarah]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this! From personal experience I know that weddings can bring out the best and WORST in some people. Especially family members. You start to see who is still holding on to you and trying to "protect" you whether you need it or not.

 

I wouldn't tell your FI about what your brother has said. Odds are its his way of dealing with you getting married and he'll probably regret his actions in a few weeks or months. I would sit down with your brother and see if there is something else on his mind. Sometimes people have a hard time expressing what they really need to say or explain what is really going on. It could be something in his life that he is un-intentionally taking out on you.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Lots of hugs...

[*Meagan*]

Aww I am so sorry this is happening to you!!! I wouldnt tell FI what your brother said. It wouldnt be fair to FI. You told everyone the truth and it seems like your brother just cant get past it, which is strange.

 

Keep your head up and continue to talk things about. You are doing everything right!

[vlynnw]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now, especially when you are trying to accommodate your brother so much. I agree though I wouldn't tell your FI anything about this so that it doesn't hurt his feelings as well especially since he values your brother's friendship. I think you just need to talk to your brother though. I hope it all works out with your brother.

[tammikins]

Thanks everyone,

this is so frustrating, because the typical female in me wants to jump on it and fix it right away, but I know I should wait for things to calm down. GERRRR!!!! At least mom stopped crying now. I guess an episode of intervention made her realize that there are more messed up families than hers. Its interesting that some people said that its due to jealousy. I can see how that might be true, but its hard to think that he would say something so mean while just trying to protect me. I think I'm going to take a walk out to a field and scream. thanks for your support everyone!