Vent + an Etiquette Question

[Gr8ful]

I have a vent that ties into an etiquette question:

- Background. I have a BM who has been out of a job for a while, so she obviously has money issues. However she has been great b/c she is coming down, and has been so supportive and wonderful about everything.

- Vent. She needs money to get from the airport to her hotel. I was feeling generous so I offered to pay. Now I'm resentful b/c she has money to do other things like stay in a higher-end hotel and take a trip afterwards.

- Etiquette Question. I was planning to pay for hair / makeup & I had gifts for the BM that equal about the same amount as the money for her cab. Do I (1) Just suck it all up and stop being so selfish and pay for everything, or (2) Ask her what she wants -- either the money for the cab, or the gift + hair / makeup. The costs balance out, and I think I would feel less angry about this.

 

I think one of my driving issues is budget (big surprise!). I just don't have the money to pay for everything, and I feel bad about even offering to pay for the cab, but I felt kind of cornered. People call me up to complain about everything, and I feel like throwing money helps make the problem go away, but then I shoulder the cost, which doesn't seem quite fair. Then I get angry and resentful. I wish I was a more generous person, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way.

 

What do you think?

[alkoch]

I think that if you just tell her that you don't have the money for both she will understand, or just kinda throw it out there and she how she reacts. She could do her hair and makeup herself so its not like she needs to spend more money if she doesn't want to. I would just talk to her and see what you guys can work out. Good Luck!

[*Nadine*]

Wasnt a transfer to and from the hotel included in her package? I am assumming not.

 

I say, BE HONEST, otherwise things will get ugly. You cant read each others minds adn this is something that is bothering you. Me personally, I would just give her a gift/hair/makeup and pay for her cab, but thats cause I dont know how to say no and im too nice sometimes, which blows. She still is making the trip down to your wedding, which is huge in itself for someone with money issues.

[autjo]

Wow... the transfer costs the same as a gift/hair/makeup?!?! I would say that you have to pay for the transfer since you already told her. And if you are paying for gift/hair/makeup for the other BMs then you have to pay for hers too. Maybe you can check with your TA about finding a less expensive transfer?

[ldeavila]

I think I would ask her if she'd rather you pay for her cab ride or for her hair and makeup. I mean...she can't expect you to pay for everything....

[amandseth]

Hmm.. that's tough. I see where you are coming from, as I'm also not very good at saying no and wanting everything to work out, even if that means I shoulder the cost.

 

If you are feeling resentful about it, I think the best thing is to level with her and give her an option. Otherwise, you'll go into things feeling bitter and that just festers unless dealt with.

[Jennybell1]

Thats a tough one. I guess if I were in your shoes, I too would possibly be resentful of paying for a cab ride from the airport to the hotel when she is able to afford a high end hotel and a vacation afterwards.

However in saying that, I think part of this lies in you trying to "throw money" at everyone. I think if you were kind enough to offer it to her, well....it shouldnt affect what you were planning on getting her as a BM. I would still give her what you had planned on. If you feel the financial burden, then you need to stop "throwing money at people" to make them go away, bc your gonna go broke! lol You need to unfortunately either deal with it or get someone else to do it for you - delegate it to someone that doesnt mind dealing with these sort of issues. Takes some of the stress off you...

If you dont have someone to do that for you...well your just going to have to "deal" with all these issues bc in the end - it is your wedding and everyone is going to come to you. Unfortunately it comes with the territory.

In the end you have to d what makes you feel better. If by not giving her the same things as the other bridesmaids makes it better then do that. But just remember how it is going to look to all the other girls and your BM that she isnt getting everything that they are. That is going to draw attention to her and they are going to wonder why she wasnt included and maybe draw attention towards her "financial" standing. Im not saying that I think she wasnt wrong for telling you about an issue with cab money, bc to me its not going to be a break the bank sort of issue, she should have just sucked it up and planned on paying for it and not make it your issue or make you feel like you had to offer, but I think by taking things away, it just makes it more evident to others what is going on. Everyone puts their priorities on different levels. Maybe a cab ride seems over whelming to her bc its just one more thing she has to save for when she doesnt have a job....maybe she is taking a little extra vacay bc she is already there and the opportunity to do so in the future wont be knocking on her door anytime soon...I dont know, but if it were me I would drop it. You asked her to be your BM for a reason, bc she is your friend and you wnat her there....are you willing to put this issue at the fore front for everyone to see? Bc by taking things away from her, thats exactly what is going to happen. She will be singled out.

I hope this isnt too harsh bc I dont want you feeling like Im not agreeing with you, Im just trying to help you see what the outcome might be like if you do make this an issue. Is it worth it? Dont sweat the small stuff....its not worth it or your sanity. This is supposed to be the best time of your life and you are going to want everyone that you love and loves you with you that day. You dont want this to a lingering issue.

In saying all of that...you need to do whatever it is that puts this in the past for you so it no longer is an issue and makes you angry. Either plan to give her less in the amount of what the cab will cost you as you stated above, or honestly put it behind you. Make her aware that things are also tight for you and that although you understand her financial situation, you are also struggling as every bride and groom do. And anyone else for that matter that comes to you with money woes...otherwise Im coming knocking on your door for my money issues bc it sounds like you have a money tree growing in your house!!! lol

I really wish you all the best and I hope you your stress levels come down so that you can enjoy this happy time! All the best and congrats!!!

Jenn

[vgirl17]

I have to agree with Jenn. Your friend was in the wrong for not offering to pay for the airport transfer once she found out she had extra money and wouldn't need you to do so. Who knows, maybe she will end up paying for it herself and telling you she doesn't need it? Sometimes even friends don't realize the dumb things they do. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it at this point. I know it sucks but you did 'offer' to pay it for her, so don't waste precious energy getting upset over it. Just remember that she's your friend and has been very supportive of you and your wedding and chalk it up to a learning experience. You can't single her out from the other bridesmaids because that would just make you look bad and I'm sure you don't want there to be any awkward or bad feelings within your own wedding party. You also don't want this situation to overshadow what is really important on the day that you are presenting your other bridesmaids with gifts or on your wedding day when everyone is getting their hair and makeup done and she's not. Good Luck!

[Debs]

I wouldn't renege at this point. I would suck it up and pay for the transfer since you offered, and you can't very well give gifts/hair/makeup to your other BM's and not her.

 

You said you were *planning* on paying for those things for your BM's I assume you haven't told them yet? If so then just have all your BM's pay for their hair/makeup so everyone is equal. Then maybe scale back the gift so it's not so hard on your budget. I've always paid for hair/makeup for weddings I've been in, so it would not seem odd to me to have to pay for those things if I was a BM, and like someone said, if the BM's don't have the $$ they can do it themselves.

[Gr8ful]

Ladies, once again, you are spot on with everything. I did some soul-searching last night, and it would be SO wrong to do something for everyone else and not for her. She is a good friend and has been so amazingly supportive of me for such a long time (in addition to the wedding). I am a little disappointed in myself that I can't bring myself to be more giving without resentment (this is one of my personal issues that I am trying to deal with in general -- I think I need to call my therapist!), and the right thing to do is to give her the gift like everyone else, and pay for her transfer b/c I promised I would. And, I know that she would do the same thing for me. Gotta treat all your children the same.

 

And, when I think about it, it does come down to budget, so I may have to scale back on the hair / makeup for everyone -- they might have to pay for that on their own if they even want it. I have been in situations where I have paid for it, and in situations where it was paid for by the bride, so I think either way it is acceptable. I'll think about this one a little longer.

 

Thank you for giving me a place to vent and to hold these thoughts while I did my soul searching last night. I know now that what I was thinking was not the right thing to do, and I'm glad that your collective voice of reason set me straight! I'm so glad I took the time to think about it and I appreciate you for being so honest!