What to do about guests who assume they are invited?

[Jo 2010]

Ok, so here's the situation.

 

We had an engagement party with about 150 people. In a lot of cases, if we were going to invite my FI's close friends, and the friend's parents, we would also invite their siblings (and partners).

 

Now I am not a fan of one of my FI's close friend's Brother's girlfirends (can you guys follow this??) but they have assumed that they are invited to the wedding and is gushing about how excited she is for the holiday in Fiji to anyone that will listen.

 

So not only would I be not inviting her to our wedding, I would also be uninviting her from a holiday that she is really excited about.

 

She may not be my favorite person, but the main dilemma is that she is detested by some people in our circle of friends, and I would most definately kill her if I was stuck in the same resort as her for a whole week. They were only invited to the engagement party in the first place as his brother and parents were invited - and despite the fact that my FI and I don't really know them that well, we just thought it would be a nice gesture.

 

So what do you do? Crush her and cause awkwardness at social gatherings in the future - or have someone at your wedding that noone really likes and has no real connection to you and your partner (paying for them at the wedding, and welcome dinner, and afterparty bbq and welcome home party)?

 

[SusieQ]

Yikes that is very difficult!!!!! I had a girlfriend that I had to un-invite to our wedding because she was so rude and nasty to other people I had invited. I arranged to meet her and had a speech prepared (two weeks of planning my words). Well she started cutting my other guests up as soon as we met up, I lost it with her and it went to hell from there. I am now thinking I just should have ignored her and just let things slide and hope the cold shoulder had turned her off from coming.

I don't know how much contact you have with her if you could just not send out an invite to her and just ignore her when in her company. I just hate ugly confrontations and the BS aftermath. Sorry I may not have been much help, What is that wedding show with the wedding cordinator Jane somebody with three wishes. Wedding SOS we all should have three wishes.

[Marne]

I'm in a similar position with a good friend of mine. She is truly a good friend and has been a good friend for many years - she's just a nasty person. I am nervous that she is going to find things to complain about at my wedding - and debated not inviting her. In the end, I decided that I wanted everything about my wedding to be positive and didn't want her to feel hurt that she wasn't invited. I mentioned my concerns to a few good friends who know that they are on duty the weekend of my wedding and if she says anything nasty, they are going to keep her in line. Your situation is a little different because you're not actually friends with this woman - you shouldn't feel bad about not inviting her. It will be very easy to come up with a reason - but if you decide to, you can find a way to have someone else make sure she behaves - either your FI's friend (the brother) or maybe even a random mutual friend. Good luck!!

[echo2_62]

I don't think you should feel bad about not inviting this girl because she's not your or FI's close friend and because it's not just a personal irritation that you have with her. I'd drop some hints to friends that you do have in common and whenever you're around her make a point of saying things about how hard it is that you can only have a specific size guest list and won't be able to invite some people from the big group.

 

We actually had family that was expecting to come and/or be invited however FI and I had no intentions of doing that because it would put us WAY over our limit on people. Of course a lot of the details were given to them by my FMIL and not us in the first place. We didn't want to go so far as saying 'NO you're not invited' so I deliberately told my FMIL specifically who I had sent invitations to and made no further mention of the other family. It seems to have worked because no one has commented since!

[wpg2010]

I am somewhat in the same boat. I have recently had to tell an old friend (like one of those friends that you had when you were dating someone else) that she was not invited and that we were only inviting friends that "both of us" have. She took it hard but understood in the end. Just do what you have to do.. what is best for you and your day...

[punkie569]

I had lifelong family friends assume they were invited as well. As much as I love them I know they would turn my wedding into one big week long drunk fest. They are loud and obnoxious and I think they would scare FH's family. Even though we told them that we were keeping it small with only immediate family they basically said "screw that. you can't stop me from going to a beach". I didn't know what I was going to do to have them not sabatoge my wedding. Luckily their daughter is also getting married next year so I chickened out and pleaded with her as a fellow bride to please talk to her family about not making someone else's wedding all about them. They've done the same thing to her so even though she was initially upset that I really wasn't inviting them she totally understood.

 

If you could you could email her explaining that you are wanting to keep the wedding small and unfortunately you can't accomodate everyone. Personally I don't think you should have anyone at your wedding that you don't want there. In my case I have to vacation with these people for a week so I wanted to make sure it's people that I want to be with, not people that I'm forced to be with. Good luck!

[SSNM]

I am also of the opinion that you should only invite who you want there, but my only reservation with this situation is the fact that she was invited to the engagement party. Is it not proper ettiquette that you only invite people to other wedding events that were/will be invited to the wedding? That may be partially why she assumed she would be invited to the wedding. Then again, I tend to be the one who tells ettiquette to go f*ck itself unless it benefits me (lol). Any clarity on the ettiquette of engagement party invitations would be greatly appreciated.

[GracieBebe]

It is wrong for someone to assume that they are invited. Simply don't send her an invitation and don't mention the wedding around her and don't give her any details so that she can't book. If she inquires, just say that you are limiting the wedding to close friends and family and because of your budget, you are unable to invite everyone.

[Debs]

Like someone said, it's impossible to prevent someone from showing up at the resort, even if they are not invited. To some people, not getting an invitation means they are not welcome to be there. Other people do not get that hint! My sister in law is going through this right now with a psycho friend of hers.

 

Just don't send an invite. Your FI's close friend can explain it to his brother and his GF if it becomes an issue. If you don't socialize with them, I wouldn't expect to be invited either. It's kind of odd!

 

And I don't think it's an etiquette rule that people invited to the engagement party are also invited to the wedding. If it is, it's an old rule and it SUCKS! AHAHA

[futuremrsgoodrich]

we have a similar issue with a gf of one of my FIs best friends... we haven't wed yet to know how it will turn out, but after much agonizing couldn't think of a way to have the wedding without inviting her. My FI really wants his friend there so shes in... We thought of eloping for that reason (but decided against) My dad and several other family members will be on guard for outbursts... Bottom line is it is your day (like everyone says, right?)