1 month until our wedding and my grandmother isn't expected to make it past this week

[Boston Bride 2009]

This post is more for me to put my thoughts down about how I am feeling because I don't know what else to do at this point. It may not make much sense to anyone other than me.

 

I have been incredibly fortunate to have my grandmother in my life. She is an amazing woman. I have so many wonderful memories throughout my life with her. My fondest memories have been over the past 5 years since I've lived in Boston...just down the street from her. We would go out to dinner weekly, I would pick her up from the Medford Public Library where she worked for 25 years and drive her home. She was an independant woman and worked full time all the way up until last year (she was 83 when she had to retire). She always said if I didn't go to work what the hell else would I do. She has a great sense of sarcastic humor.

 

When we would go to dinner she would have her one or two glasses of wine with ice on the side and she would just tell me stories about my parents and her life. She had some very funny stories. She always gave me great advice at our dinners. I think the funniest piece of advice was why date just one guy you need to have options before you settle down. She was very progressive for her days. She went to college, she partied, and she didn't get married until she was almost 30. She always said I grew up on a bar stool. Another great memory for me was one night I wanted to get a drink and none of my friends wanted to go. It was about 9:30/10:00 on a Friday night. I decided to call my grandmother to see if she wanted to get a drink...she said of course...so we went to a local restraunt got a few glasses of wine and dessert...we had a great time. She was always up for anything.

 

In September of 2008 her life changed. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor, lympohoma. She was hospitalized for weeks and then went through extensive chemo and was in rehab for a month. She had to move from the house where she lived for 52 years in to my aunts house. Every three months for the past year the chemo she was on would stop working so she would have to get a new chemo. She was so brave through it all. She never complained she never gave up and she had such a strong will to live despite being 84 years old. She kept her humor through it all and continued to worry about how everyone else was doing and not about herself.

 

In June the 2nd type of chemo stopped working right before our Civil Ceremony. She was able to make our event of the Elite Boston and sail the harbor with us. It was such a proud day for her to see me, her first grand child be married. She was in a wheel chair but waved to all of us like royalty as the deck hands carried her on to the boat. It was a wonderful day.

 

The following week she began the third and final type of chemo. This seemed to be the best treatment yet. She had a great summer. I spent a lot of time with her and everything seemed to be improving. I was even able to take her to my office to see my co-workers and out to lunch. We had a wonderful afternoon.

 

Two weeks ago all of the progress seemed to come to an end. She was showing all of the sypmtoms of her tumor again and even more so at this point. I was going to go have dinner with her on October 16th but my aunt called and said they were brining her in for an emergency MRI because they knew the tumor was back. On Tuesday October 20th we were given the news that the tumor had spread extensively and there was nothing left to do.

 

It is incredibly hard to hear that there is nothing left to do. It is beyond words the sadness that I felt hearing this news. I left work immediately to go be with my grandmother. I have been there almost every day since. She is just fading so fast. Through it all though she has had moments when I can see her old self there. She will laugh or say something sarcasticly funny even in the toughest of times. She has not once complained about what is happening to her.

 

For me this is so hard. I want her to be in peace but I want her to be here with us. I am just so sad and I know the worst is yet to come.

 

My wedding is exactly four weeks from today and it's the last thing I can think about. I'm not even excited at this point and I know I should be. I have worked so hard on everything and thankfully because I am super anal it's all done. People ask me about the wedding and I have nothing to say. I don't evnen know how to respond at this time. All the details I was stressing over seem unimportant to me. Do I really care if something is the right color blue...does it really matter. What I am looking forward to is spending time with 35 of my best friends and our family. To decompress and work through my feelings with out the pressure of everyday life. I know my grandmother will be there with me. I have ther garter from her wedding and one of her antique braceletts. I always thought it was a bad thing that my extended family wasn't going to be able to come but now I know god has a plan.

 

I hope that my grandmother is able to move on to a better place in peace and that I have the strength to enjoy my wedding day and have amazing memories from it. I am fortunate to have a wonderful family and faith in god...I hope that this will get me through.

[~*Kathy*~]

What a touching post...your grandma sounds like a truly amazing woman and I am so glad that you have so many happy memories to look back on when she is no longer here, you sound like a wonderful granddaughter and I am sure she feels so happy and blessed to have you and to have been able to spend so much time with you and to share in your civil ceremony.

 

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this grief before your wedding. My thoughts are with you and your grandma.

[*Meagan*]

Your post brought me to tears. Your grandmother sounds like an amazing woman. It seems like we need more people in this world like her! I can only imagine what you are going through and I am so very sorry. Spend as much time with her as you can and you will always hold those memories of her close to your heart. And remember she will be with you on your special day and you will think of her so try and be excited. Its your big day!

[shellk]

well girl get your feelings through you did.i am so sorry im not going to try and give you advice because nothing i can say can make things better.i understand what you say about your outlook on life changing.my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in january and everything you worry about on a daily basis all of a sudden does,nt really matter.

 

all i can say is spend as much time as you can with her and enjoy it as much as you can.she will be with you on your special day what ever happens.

 

you know where we are if you need us xxx

[brandynd]

Oh honey, it breaks my heart to read your post and to know what you must be going through. I know that there really is nothing that anyone can say or do to make you feel better right now, but I hope you can know that God needs her, and maybe it’s just time for her to go home to him.

It sounds like you’ve had a very special relationship with your grandmother, and that’s a wonderful thing. Even after she’s gone, you’ll still have the memories to look back on with her. The best thing that you can do right now is to be with her at the end of her life’s journey, and to enjoy your special day, like I’m sure you know she would want you to do. She will be with you on your day, smiling and watching while you share those special vows.

I know it isn’t fair for you to be having to go through all of this so close to your DW, and it really sucks. I’ll be praying for you and your family. Miracles happen! Keep your chin up!

[Boston Bride 2009]

Thank you all so much for your support. I really need that right now.

[lil_reeves]

Take care and stay strong...this is such a hard thing to go through. I agree, spend every moment with her that you can and know that even after she's gone, in spirit she'll always be by your side.

 

~HUGS~

[SusieQ]

Oh girl, my heart goes out to you. I lost my granny ten years ago the Nov. she died off cancer aswell. The last few months of her life was with so much pain as I amagine your granny's is. Just be there for her to the end and promise her that you'll have a glass of wine in her honor on your wedding day. You have been blessed to have this wonderful woman in your life.... Celebrate her life.....

[SSNM]

Can I just say, you are probably a better Granddaughter than I was ever a daughter to my mom. Your post really touched my heart, and I want to thank you for sharing it.

 

It is wonderful that you grandmother could be such a blessing in your life and it sounds like she has no regrets. God bless you and I wish you the best during this time.

 

If it is any constellation, you will soon have a new love in your life and possibly even more to come...and your Grandmother's spirit will be in all of you both now and forever

[Melidell]

Your post really touched me. I had a grandfather who was special to me, too, and I wish he could be here for my wedding. I'm so sad that you have to go through this so close to your wedding day. All I can offer you is what helped me when I lost my grandpa- I thought about what a long, full life he had. I remembered how he was the head of our family and held us all together with his strength and his character. A part of me was glad to let him go because it was his time and I didn't want him to suffer any more. Now, even though I miss him, I love to think about him and as long as I do I know he'll be a huge part of my life. I know your relationship with your grandmother is unique- but I hope that maybe this will help. You're in my thoughts- hang in there and make her proud.