AHR- one week after wedding??!!

[Sheree10]

Initially FI and I agreed that we didn't want to have a AHR. We just wanted to have a DW and be done with it. We would only have a AHR if we had a small guestlist. In the end we invited 150 people.

 

FMIL, from the beginning has been asking us if she can have a AHR. We both said no then changed our mind since she wants to plan and organize it, pay for it- on a small scale- not a huge event. This way she can invite about 50 more ppl we didn't put on the guestlist. SO now she wants to have the AHR a week after the wedding or TWO days after we arrive back home. I'm trying to explain to her that we should have it spaced out. We need time to unwind before doing something else. Plus, I would like some of my family there and it may be too much for them to go to Aruba and a few days later have another wedding event. It wouldn't be too bad if it was a casual event but FMIL wants to rent out a space for the event. I wish she would just respect our wishes so I don't seem like the Evil one!

 

DO I seem too unreasonable by asking her to have it at least one week or more after we return home? She wants to have it sooner so guests who are coming to the DW can also attend the AHR before returning home. But the AHR should be for those who can't attend??!!

[August2010Bride]

I definitely would need space to unwind... that's why we are having ours 3 weeks after the wedding. Not too close, but close enough for the excitement to still be there from our wedding. Most of the people invited to the AHR are friends that weren't invited to our wedding.

[hockeymom97]

I think 2 days after you return is much too soon and I agree that the AHR is typically more for the people that couldn't attend the actual ceremony. I'm sure you'll have guests that want to come to both and I think that's great, but I wouldn't plan it just so DW wedding guests could attend the AHR before traveling back home. And this is just my opinion, but if I were attending a DW as a guest, and then expected to attend a AHR immediately after, it would feel like too much to me - as a guest I'd prefer them to be spaced out.

 

Yes, you do want to have a AHR close enough to the actual DW so the excitement is still there - I think having it within a month after coming back home is ideal. And this also gives you a little time to get pictures developed to be able to share with all your guests that couldn't attend the DW.

 

Don't feel bad about taking a stand on this either. I also have a FMIL who is trying to control every aspect of our AHR, including the date, since they want to pay for it and it's driving me nuts. We had originally planned it for approx a month and a half after we return. I would have liked to have it sooner, but we are having the AHR in MI (where FI is from) and I didn't want to pull my son out of school again since he'll already be missing time for the DW. So we planned it for the weekend after he gets out of school - this was about 6 months ago and we all agreed on the date -including FMIL. Well she finally decided on a venue this past week and she asks FI if having it 2 weeks later than our original date is ok, because FBIL and FSIL might not be able to make it on the date we picked. I nearly flipped!!! I was like, we picked this date MONTHS ago, and just because you procrastinated on finalizing the venue to make it official and people started making other plans, now I'M supposed to change my date?!?! I said no way - this is the date WE all agreed on. I fibbed a little and said that I couldn't make it on the date she wanted - and I felt bad about the fib at first, but after her next stunt I decided not to feel bad. The day after we finalize the date and venue I get a text from FI asking me if I have anything special for the AHR save the dates in mind, and I replied, ummm yes - I already picked them out. He says his mom is on her way to Kinko's to have some printed so I should call her. Are you kidding?!? She was just going to print them without even asking me?? And the list goes on and on - she thinks she has out centerpieces picked out, dj picked...just everything. It's just going to be one battle after another <sigh>.

 

Sorry for going off on a rant....I just wanted to express that I know how you feel about FMIL wanting to take control. It's enough to make you crazy

[Sheree10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by August2010Bride I definitely would need space to unwind... that's why we are having ours 3 weeks after the wedding. Not too close, but close enough for the excitement to still be there from our wedding. Most of the people invited to the AHR are friends that weren't invited to our wedding.

That all makes sense. Three weeks later is enough time for you to relax and still be excited after the wedding itself.

[vlynnw]

That's way to soon after you get back, you need time to relax first. We're planning on having ours a month after the wedding. It gives you some time to get settled back in. It will allow you to have your wedding photos ready and everything to so that the guests that didn't make it to Aruba will be able to enjoy them.

[Sheree10]

Hockeymom... thanks for sharing, at least someone else is going thru this. I had no idea planning a wedding would entail all of this extra stuff!!The main reason for us going away to get married was to keep it simple. We didn't want hoopla of an at home wedding. This whole AHR seems like it's going to be more than we wanted. It was really supposed to be a casual event with about 20-40 ppl in MIL's backyard, since a some of her family/ friends may not be able to make it. Now it seems like it's turning into a second wedding reception. i'm okay since we just have to show up but that's not how I wanted it all to happen. If it's not one thing it's another. I understand about the whole control thing, I think my FMIL's planning of the AHR has to do with her not being in total agreement of our DW.

 

Well, there I go ranting too!! I just want this to be over with already!!!

[Sheree10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vlynnw That's way to soon after you get back, you need time to relax first. We're planning on having ours a month after the wedding. It gives you some time to get settled back in. It will allow you to have your wedding photos ready and everything to so that the guests that didn't make it to Aruba will be able to enjoy them.

I know... it would be a great idea to show the guests pictures of the wedding or our video.

[hockeymom97]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheree10 Hockeymom... thanks for sharing, at least someone else is going thru this. I had no idea planning a wedding would entail all of this extra stuff!!The main reason for us going away to get married was to keep it simple. We didn't want hoopla of an at home wedding. This whole AHR seems like it's going to be more than we wanted. It was really supposed to be a casual event with about 20-40 ppl in MIL's backyard, since a some of her family/ friends may not be able to make it. Now it seems like it's turning into a second wedding reception. i'm okay since we just have to show up but that's not how I wanted it all to happen. If it's not one thing it's another. I understand about the whole control thing, I think my FMIL's planning of the AHR has to do with her not being in total agreement of our DW. Well, there I go ranting too!! I just want this to be over with already!!!

So I'm reading your reply and I'm sitting here nodding my head, saying yep, yep that's our situation exactly! I really feel your pain Sheree!! So feel free to rant as much as you need because I totally get it!!! When we first decided on on a DW, having a smaller party when we got back was the plan, and FSIL offered their house for the party - and they have a beautiful home for entertaining. I thought it would be perfect...have it catered, they have a huge patio as well as a huge yard since it will be warm out; and they have a really nice butlers pantry with a full bar, which is great for parties...FSIL even offered to bring in tents for the back yard if we wanted. And FSIL is one of those people who just loves entertaining so she was just loving the idea of having it at their home. But FMIL said noooooo, that's not big enough for all the people she wants to invite. "She" wants to invite? Isn't this our AHR and we should invite who WE want? And that's when she offered to pay for it (because I'm sure she knew that was the only way she would have any say in things), and you are completely right....I think this is all about them not having any control over the DW.

If we hadn't originally planned on an AHR, and this was totally FMIL's idea, then I'd probably just let her run with it and do what she wants and all we have to do is show up. But this was my idea and something I had wanted first; and I had already started planning our AHR when she jumped in and tried to take over. So this is really hard for me. I don't want to be bridezilla, but this is still our reception and there are still certain things I want a certain way.

There have definitely been times during this process where I have just felt like throwing my hands up and saying let's just elope and escape all this craziness!!!

[KRama]

We're having our AHR 5 days after we return. I'm sure there are many people (including a bridesmaid!) who think I'm crazy for doing it so soon but we really didn't want to lose the momentum from the DW and we have plenty of excited friends and family that are going to want to see us. I'm taking the whole week after off work so hopefully that's plenty of time to get organized for it. I'm also a corporate events planner so I'm used to being super organized and delegating responsibilities!

 

As for your FMIL, she needs to realize that this event should be about you and her son, not her as the host.

[eec129]

That does seem quite soon after...I would definitely need some time to unwind, also. I'm sure if mention the point about all those who traveled and who want to attend the AHR, too...that she would have to understand!!