FMIL trying to stop wedding!

[Vikki]

Kudos to you and your FI for the way you are approaching this. The fact that you both seem to be on the same page (even though it's putting strain on your relationship) says a lot about your ability to deal with conflict.

 

I find it sad that even though you both have un-invited them and they don't want the wedding to happen that they still want to be there.... I hope that having a third party present will help keep the meeting civil. Maybe it will sink in to them just how ridiculous they're being about all of this.

 

What do your parents think? Can you use them to vent to a little bit just to help you maintain your sanity and have a "safe" place to air your feelings?

[sherric80]

Well we had our meeting....I don't think it made any difference in any direction. We had the meeting at a church (to discourage any outragous behavior) with both sets of parents & us. His parents insisted that mine should be there to air their feelings as well. My parents were a bit hesitant to go because they don't feel it is their place to be in the middle of my relationship.

It started with the mediator telling everyone that the only way to work through this was for everyone to be completely honest & open & have a willingness to listen & understand each person's feelings. Basically his parents came to act as though they have never done or said anything to make me believe that I was unwelcome or that they don't want us to get married. They tried to just blow it all off & continued to say that we all just need to move forward & forget the past without an admittance of wrong or apology.

They both completely denied all the ugly words, emails, gifts, etc. and then said they would apologize for anything that I thought happened if needed. The father was completely out of control in the beginning & wouldn't let me speak without lashing out at me. The mediator asked him if he needed to leave the room to control himself. The mother sat quietly staring off into space like she wasn't there. It was unbelievable!

I told them exactly how I felt & they couldn't even look at me. My FI told them how he felt & they tried to play the "you don't love me anymore" card.

It was a mess & no conclusion/solution came of it. They kept saying how they wanted to make things better & wanted a chance to be part of our lives, but couldn't say that they would try to change their behavior, act positive towards our wedding, offer any genuine apology, or any other meaningful action in the future.

We left with the mediator saying that everyone needed to take a week & look inside themselves to see if each of us was willing to be honest about the past & then move forward in a positive direction. A positive direction meaning that past negative behaviors had to stop & a genuine effort had to be made to rectify past mistakes.

Of course my FI wants some sort of relationship with his parents and I am at the point that I don't think it is possible. I have learned that his parents seem to treat many people with the same passive aggressiveness they show us. They have never had any consequence for their meanness & don't believe that anyone would dare stand up to them.

So I still have 1 month to go & not an ounce of stress was relieved. I am now doubting that we should get married at all. I don't want to be the horrible person who says you can't have your parents in your life, but I also know I am not happy with them in our lives. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life being verbally & emotionally abused by his parents. All the meeting did was prove to me again that his parents want complete control over our lives & they will never leave us alone to be happy. Misery loves company.

[alkoch]

Sherri- I am so sorry to hear/read all this. Nothing ever seems to be easy, personally after hearing all these stories and experiencing some of it, it seems like the root of most of the fights is that the parents aren't ready to let there son go (mostly the moms). But don't question your relationship and your wedding! I am sure that you and your FI love each other and are meant for each other, don't let your FILs get the best of you guys. My Dads parents have always been really shitty toward him and in result to our family. Some how how they treat us brings our immediate family together, we try to laugh it off. Your FI is lucky to have such a great girl to deal with all this stuff from his family. Maybe you can have someone on FIL duty for the wedding and if they try to do anything they handle the situation without affecting you. Good luck with everything I hope they see what a negative effect they are having on your wedding.

 

Keep us posted! We will always be here to listen and support you!

[gettinghitched2010]

i know how you feel. I do not get along with my FMIL either. I have been with him for 19 years. In the beginning it was OK but she said some disrespectful things to me and I answered her back. That was the end of our relationship. It doesnt bother me but it bothers my FH. When he proposed, she told him to rethink it. He told her if she doesn't like then she shouldn't come to the wedding. My FH puts his foot down with her.

[DGG]

Wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with this... It seems like you and FI are trying and trying to do the right thing, but unfortunately you can only do so much.

But PLEASE don't just call the wedding off just because of them. At least from what you've said here-- even though this situation has put a strain on your relationship with FI (as it probably would most relationships), it sounds like he is standing by your side and working hard to try to fix things.. From what you are saying, he is united with you and standing up to his parents for the way they are treating you.

It sounds like his parents have a lot of issues that goes a lot deeper than their problem with you - so try not to take it all personally.

Obviously, I don't know the full story and there may be other reasons there - but don't let them ruin your wedding and soon-to-be marriage. Since you had the meeting in a church I'm guessing you are religious, so maybe you can meet with a priest alone with FI for some pre-marital counseling to talk this through.

Sending you positive thoughts Hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon..

[Lady_Di]

I am sorry to hear about that! I wish his parents would grow up and accept. Life is too short to be nasty.

 

Maybe eventually, they'll understand that it is what your FI wants and should respect that.

[finzup]

yikes! they are a piece of work, huh!

 

Don't think of calling off the wedding -- that would be a victory for his parent. That's what they want! If you and your FI love each other (and obvioiusly you do), then you will be able to make it work.

 

After the wedding is there any option for you guys to move away from his parents??

[Jo 2010]

Hi Sheri

 

As I read this thread I am almost in tears for you, I am so lucky that I have a great relationship with FI's parents.

 

I did want to write a post to you, as I also shared this story with my mother who went through all this and worse when she married my father. My grandmother tried every trick in the book, even crying, on her knees begging dad not to marry mum on the morning of the wedding - threatening to kill herself if he went through with the wedding.

 

My grandmother has mental health issues (undiagnosed for about 20 years of psychotic behaviour towards my mother!) but has always been very nasty about my mother. When she used to babysit my sister and I when we were little, she used to tell us that mum doesn't love us, that she is never coming back and that she just has us around so that she can steal my dad away! Of course, once we were old enough to tell my mum that this was going on, the babysitting ceased...

 

After mum had read your posts she just wanted me to pass on this message to you.

 

Next year will be my 30th wedding anniversary, and I have spent my life with my soul mate. We have travelled the world, had two beautiful girls, and now have a wonderful grandson. Going through everything with Tom's (my dad) mother - I never thought I would get through it, or come to a place to forgive her. I never thought that my married life could possibly be this wonderful, when it started off with such hate and spite. I have been in your shoes. I tried everything. I know the cost to your relationship. I just wanted you to know that in the end it is all worth it. My life is wonderful, but only because I never let her actions or words get in the way of our marriage. My husband is a very loyal son (only son and of Italian decent to boot!) and I have never stood in the way of their relationship, or her relationship with my girls. But you have to draw a line, and learn to ignore it so it doesn't poison you. 30 years later I would not trade what I have for the world, my relationship with my MIL has made me a stronger person, and made me truely appreciate the love that my husband has for me

 

Just thought you may like to hear from someone who has walked in your shoes and come out the other side

 

I know it seems dark right now, and I hope that it makes you & FI stronger.

 

All the best

 

xxxx

[pineapple princess]

We are so here for you!!! Be strong. One thing that i always try to remember is "hurt people hurt people". Seriously, when have you ever seen a happy person lash out at another?

 

Just stay strong!!!

[sherric80]

The inlaws (outlaws lol) called the travel agent & made reservations to come to the wedding. They plan on staying at week! And then they decided that they should plan a rehearsal dinner without consulting me. My FI thinks that they are trying to be nice & show support & I think they are ignoring our request that they not attend the wedding. They have done this before. When we ask them not to do something they do it anyway no matter what anyone else's feelings are.

 

I went to our counselor to try & sort out my feelings & he thinks that all will end in disaster if the inlaws stay a week. We have never even survived a weekend with them & now somehow we have to survive 4 days before the wedding & 3 after. They have already said they plan on spending every second they can with us. We said that we have things planned & will be spending time with other guests so they said they will just tag along. I think I am going to have a mental breakdown, or maybe already have. What a nightmare! I know without any doubt that our relationship will not survive a week with them. I don't know if we will survive the 4 days before the wedding. My FI becomes a different person around them. He is negative, lashes out, blames everyone for stuff, & completely reverts back into a carbon copy of his parents. When he is away from them & hasn't talked with them he is the complete opposite. He is very positive, caring, always trying to help others. It is like watching Jackyl & Hyde sometimes.

 

As for the question about moving far away after the wedding - we already live over 1000miles apart!! You would think with all that distance we wouldn't be having so much trouble! We have an appointment with our councelor on Tuesday to see if he can make my FI realize we need BOUNDRIES! That are strictly enforced. OMG I feel like I am marrying 3 people instead of 1.

 

 

Jo&Daz 20-10-2010 - Please tell your mother thank you so much for her kind words & wisdom. She is a much stronger person than I at the moment. I am having a hard time with my FI continuing a relationship with his parents because of the way they treat me. I feel like he is telling them it is ok & he will still see them no matter how mean they are to me. I am struggling very hard with my feelings on that.