on the edge of a breakdown

[The Mandy in Chandy]

I need to unload somewhere, please forgive me for how whiney this message will probably sound. I am not really looking for sympathy or someone to say "oh you poor thing"- I need hope. I need someone to tell me this WILL all be ok, because right now I feel like I am one pulled thread away from being unraveled.

 

Let's start in 2004. I was engaged and living with my fiance in a house we bought together (but was in his name.) We had dated for 9 years and were highschool sweethearts. We were engaged for 2 years and I could not get him to commit to a date. Plus he treated me like crap. I left him, moved back home with my parents. I lost everything I invested in that house.

 

While living with them I met a guy online. After 2 weeks of dating we got engaged (which I later found out he thought was a joke) and he expressed to me he wanted nothing more in this world than to start a family with me. I knew I had problems with fertility because of PCOS, so I suggested I go off the pill so we'd have time to try before we got married. We didn't tell anyone about our engagement (I was such an idiot back then) because we hadn't been dating long. We moved in together and in 3 months I went of my Pill and got pregnant the first month. We planned to go ahead and get married, though we weren't quite ready. I ended up miscarrying in the midst of wedding planning, and I didn't want to get married anymore. I saw what type of man he really was, but I was scared and hated living at home with my parents, so I married him anyway. (again with the stupidity thing)

 

A year and a half later after all those months of mental abuse, neglect, and heartache I filed for divorce. (he was addicted to online gaming and was controlling and manipulative) He tried to commit suicide a few times and was fired from his job for not getting help and then commited to a mental institution. He left the state and moved 1000 miles away. Thankfully I don't have to deal with him anymore.

 

I moved back in with my parents in the house I grew up in. A house that has always meant a great deal to me. A few months after I moved in my mother decided she wanted to downgrade to a townhome...And while I was welcome to move with them, my childhood home was going to be sold. I was devastated. So we moved, and my father's help began to decline. He had COPD and congestive heart failure. I nursed him every day before and after work until he died in January of 2008. I was a daddy's girl, I miss him very much.

 

Mama and I moved back to the old house because it hadn't sold yet, and she was homesick. We sold the townhouse immediately and had the other house paid off immediately as well. All we had to worry about were utilities and food. I paid some bills in return for her letting me stay there.

 

Mom and I were getting along seemingly well, though she was trying to control who I dated to the point that (even though I was 27) I had to sneak around to see anyone. I became close to a guy I met during that time and we saw each other as friends for 9 months. Then I met FI online. We were both making videos for a weight loss community on youtube. I saw him and immediately knew he was meant to be a big part of my life. I actively pursued him and finally, after 3 months of courting I got him to agree to meet me. We met halfway (from KY to SC) and really hit it off. We continued our relationship online and also with monthly trips to see each other (an 8 hour drive.) In February, after about 9 months of dating, he proposed. I couldn't have been happier!

 

But my happiness was clouded with sorrow for my mother who found out a few months before that she had late-stage lung cancer. As her health declined and she became bedridden, I, along with my 2 sisters and aunt and cousin, started sharing daily care for her. She was bedridden, very sick and weak, and in hospice care. I was her evening and weekend caregiver, and the other shared the daytime duty til I got home. It was a very stressful time for me. I was a prisoner in my own home, and felt helpless wishing my other didn't have to suffer. She died 3 weeks ago.

 

Now that my mom is gone, she was going to leave the house I adored so much to me- but instead decided to leave it to my sister so she can make sure i don't lose the house due to financial reasons, but I am still welcome to live here as long as I want. FI was going to move here to be with me, but now he wants me to move there. And I am scared and sad I will have to leave my childhood home. It feels like the only thing I have left in my life that is stable.

 

So-In the last 5 years I have had a failed engagement, failed marriage, moved 5 times, watched my father deteriorate and die, watched my mother deteriorate and die, and now I have to choose my future, save for a wedding, plan a wedding, and likely move 500 miles away, find a new job, and start a new life within the next year. Oh, and lose 90 lbs.

 

I don't know how much more stress I can take. I've gained 20 lbs since may because all I want to do is stress eat. All of this eating out has cause a strain in my finances...and even more strain is coming as I take on the other household expenses I once shared with mom.

 

I don't know what to do. I am the type that bottles everything up until I explode, and I have done a lot of bottling over the last 5 years. I don't want to have a meltdown. I can't afford to end up in the looney bin or lose my job because of it.

 

thanks for letting me vent. Even just a would make me feel better. I need some renewed faith, bad!

[katrina]

well, I think all the crap you've been through, whether self-inflicted or otherwise, you deserve some happiness. If it were me, I'd be on the next flight to FI.

[Sapphire723]

Okay, it's good that you've realized that having a melt down would be bad. And I think it's important that you realize that it's ok to grieve. You've lost some people who are very important to you, and no one in their right mind would expect you to bounce back immediately from that.

 

In addition to allowing yourself time to grieve, I think you should form a game plan. Do you have a good job currently that you want to stay for or is it just a way to pay the bills? Do you have family and friends in your area that you rely on heavily for emotional support or have many of them moved elsewhere? Can you afford the taxes/bills for the house you're in? Do you want to move to where FI is?

 

I would recommend that you take some time to formulate your future before you marry again and/or move. It seems as though you've got a lot going on that you should sort through before you remarry, because you can't be the best wife you can be until you're the best YOU that you can be. I also think it would be beneficial for you to live on your own for a bit, because I think you need to know that with or without a man or your parents you can be self-sufficient and happy.

 

Overall, you should keep in touch with someone to sort this out on a regular basis. If not friends or a professional, then you can always lean on us.

[The Mandy in Chandy]

Thank you both!

 

LeAnne- that was some really good advice and just what I plan to do. While I can afford the taxes and all on the house, I don't know if being here is worth it. Luckily since the wedding is a year away I'll have all this time to live alone before I remarry. i am not terribly close to my family, and my job is, essentially, just a way to pay the bills. Moving on won't be hard for me, but I do need to be the best ME I can be before I try to be a wife again. I hope the next several month will serve as a way to do that.

 

thanks again, y'all are great!

[JayBee]

Mandy, my FH has always said to me that everything will work out in the end. It's the simplest thing to believe in, and it always happens to be true. Don't be afraid of what's ahead of you. It's definitely tough to give up your childhood home, especially after losing your parents, but it's good that you've got some time to say goodbye.

I'm wishing you the best!

-jessica

[YaelM]

I dont have too much advice but did want to give you this:

[*HOLLY*]

The only part I can re-late to is having an ex husband who mentally abused me and cheated on me. It still carries with me and tends to get in the way of my realationship with my FI. When I feel I am going to have a break down I step back and breath. I know things will get better but time will tell. You have had a great deal of things go on in your life and just bouncing back like nothing happened is impossiable. Just stay strong find yourself and try to enjoy life. Remember the memories in the home you dont need to be their to experiance them just dream of them Big *HUGS*

[shellk]

this sucks.try and look at it as it is a new start for you.however don,t move unless you want to.everything will be fine in the end

[starchild]

Oh Mandy life is sure messing with you!! You just lost your mom so recently, you must be a wreck I don't know what I would do in your shoes. Take sometime to think this out and don't make any fast decisions. Hang in there

[YoursTruly]

Own the fact that you have a lot on your plate. Focus and set reasonable goals, attainable ones. Plug away at each one pacing yourself and try not to stress too much. I wish you well.