How do you justify it?

[bholthof]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebredhawk if your FI's stepmom is so nasty, would you really even want her there?

Actually, no, we would prefer she wasn't there. But we DO want his father and his half siblings there. But she is a controlling freak, and probably won't let them go without her.

[jajajaja]

Sit down with your FI. Determine what's important to you- first and foremost. Go through possible scenarios and figure out if a DW is REALLY that important to you. Determine if certain people MUST be present and if so, what flexibility can you offer to ensure they are there.

 

Once you have this figured out, plan your wedding as desired. I would not ask for recommendations/opinions. As you have found out- everyone has one!! Those that want to be there will figure out a way to make it work- especially if you have put extra thought into circumstances that may prevent them from going. Those that don't want to go will find an excuse no matter what.

 

For some, it was a deal breaker if their family couldn't attend the DW. For others, they have discovered that, while it hurts, they still really wanted to have the wedding of their dreams. You just have to figure out what works for you.

 

Good luck. It's a tough process, but YES, it's worth it.

[ebredhawk]

here's the thread that i found extremely helpful and enlightening...

 

http://bestdestinationwedding.com/forum/t27513

[bholthof]

Thank you.

 

See, the funny thing is, its not like I was asking them to give thier opinions on the WEDDING... I just said, here is a list of resorts I'm considering, which three are your favorites??

 

From there it just degenerated into the Wicked Witch of Waterloo being horrible. And I'm the one who gets called un-friendly...

 

I don't know. IMO, things like weddings are things you push and push to share with people... not events that you squabble over.

 

And I KNEW she would behave like this... at FI's sisters wedding, the stepmom threatened to pull her daughter out of the wedding party and go home, because she (stepmom) was supposed to be sitting in the pew before the ceremony started, and didn't get a grand entrance.

 

So why am I surprised?

[Jenn79]

Hi fellow Ottawan!

 

It's always a shame when people who are supposed to care about you and your well being make you feel bad about your personal decisions.

 

I never once tried to justify what my husband and I were doing for our wedding. It was what I had wanted to do since I was six years old, and as much as I love my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins, I have way too many of them! I'm not good in front of crowds, and I'm not made of money either. A small, intimate wedding on the beach was what I wanted and no amount of guilt tripping was going to change my mind.

 

I'm really sorry that you are going through this with your soon to be extended family but about the only wisdom I can think of to give you is this: will you look back on an at home wedding with regret, even with all of the people you "should" invite there? If so, then don't give it another thought. Your wedding should be a happy day, full of wonderful memories for you and your husband. Anybody who wants to hold a grudge or be petty after the fact really isn't someone you want in your life.

 

I'm rambling, so I'll stop now. Good luck with your planning, good luck with the family situation, and I hope whatever you choose, you have an amazing wedding and life with your hubby to be.

[krishna69z]

*hug* You need to really think about what YOU want for your wedding.

 

When we first threw out ideas of doing a DW, my mom sent me emails at least once a week of reasons not to do it, and then when that didn't work ideas for places anywhere other than the caribbean (that we couldn't legally get married there anyways). After ignoring her comments for almost 6 months, she's finally starting to realize that this is what we want and is starting to come around

 

Unfortunately you'll always have someone who isn't up for the idea or thinks it's too expensive. All you can do is try to give people lots of lead time and plan things as you want them and hope for the best.

 

Good luck!

[Angela139]

We have had sooo many issues because we chose to do it down south! First my mother refused to come - it was too expensive. She eventually came/saw the light, ie. its her daughter's wedding and she can/should be there. Then my best friend, MOH said she didn't want to spend the money - eventually she came around as well. My father is an ongoing issue. It has been so stressful and I have cried so much! FI actually threw a plate against a wall at one point (totally out of character). As it stands, our parents and close friends are coming (about 30 people) but my sister and my brothers still refuse to come (it is not about money with any of them, it is a matter of principle - how can she have a wedding where it is inconvenient for us to attend??!).

 

I have really come to the point where I don't care. It is about FI and I, and those who want to be there, really WANT to be there will come. I couldn't do it without my parents, but since they have come around, I don't care about anyone else. But this has been so stressful and upsetting - I really, REALLY feel for you. You have to decide what is most important to you - and what you are willing to put up to get it. You have to realize that this is YOUR wedding. It is about FI and you. I really, REALLY hope things work out for you!!!

[*Meagan*]

I know how you feel! My family made a huge stink and still to do this day are secretly bitching to other family members! Its ridiculous. Calling MY parents (who by the way have shelled out tons of money for literally everything I have done in my entire life) CHEAP!!!! Because they are not holding me a huge traditional connecticut wedding. How in the world does me and FH choosing a DW make my parents cheap!!?

 

She seemed really rude in the email. But that is how email is. You have to take everything with a grain of salt, next time she emails you, just pick up the phone and call her so everything can be clear and not misunderstood. Good luck and make the decision you and FH want! Not what everyone else wants!

[meghan]

Hey There,

I really feel for you and know exactly what you are going through, because I went through the same thing. My dad's family was making a HUGE deal about us going away. My aunt told me I was being selfish in that im basically asking for a $6000 wedding gift (for all her family to go it would cost that much) that im basically choosing to elope by going away blah blah blah. She also said that people cant afford this, I have everything handed to me and wouldnt know what its like to have to pay for a trip (which is complete bull sh*t) and was soooo insulting. She said so much more crap but Im not gonna go on about it. So all of my dads family complained about this and My mom or I dont even talk to my aunt any more. She was so rude that I'm no longer even sending her an invitation. We did NOT change our plans because of his family making a big deal about it. You and your FI need to do what you want. Its your day and you need to be happy.

[YoursTruly]

you started off by asking other folks what their opinion is. People tend ot forget that a wedding is about the bride and groom. Know that DW comes with much heartache and drama because it automatically limits some people due to finance, disability, etc. If your budget does not dictate an at home ceremony, then you and FI need to decide and stand by your plan. If you can afford it and can compromise by having it home, why not?