Just a Few Wedding Jokes!

[CourtneyV]

 

__________

 

 

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?" The mom replied, "Because they're happy, dear."

 

Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do men wear black?"

 

 

__________

 

 

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

 

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

 

 

__________

 

 

Wedding Night

 

 

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

 

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

 

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

 

I thought he meant his money!!"

 

 

__________

 

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

 

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

 

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

 

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

"How did you know that?"

 

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the

preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

 

 

__________

 

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

 

When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

 

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

 

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

 

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

 

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

 

__________

 

 

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

 

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

 

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

[CourtneyV]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

 

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

 

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... And I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

 

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

 

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

[tvt]

Ha! Those are really cute/funny!!

[Espejo2be]

Love it!! I'm going to have to steal those! hehe

[traceysteve]

hahaaa...those were really funny!

[johnnmakenzie11]

hahaha!! this was a nice distraction!!

 

150 posts!! woohoo!!!

[Sapphire723]

Thank you for posting something to keep this section on the lighter side!!

 

[bride3183]

Haha those are cute

[lopey99]

hehehehe very funny!

[baileybutton]

Very Funny! I love the one about the granddaughter playing wedding!

 

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

 

I put it as my FB status!! HAHA