FMIL frustration

[NaM]

My FMIL and I used to get along great. I would love hanging out at their house, going shopping with her and knowing I was building a good realtionship. Then we got engaged and started wedding planning...

The day after we got engaged she told me they would cover the cost of the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon (sweet!). After we decided on a DW we realized we were not going to have the traditional rehearsal dinner because everything at the resort was AI. We also weren't sure about a honeymoon because I didn't know how much time I would be able to get off from my new job and if FI was going to be traveling for work. So we asked her to forego these costs and cover 2 rooms at the resort for 2 nights for the groomsmen (my parents would do bridesmaids and everyone else is on their own). She seemed completely ok with this and never mentioned anything negative...she even put the deposit down right away!

As of late she's been doing some very shaddy stuff and I've been ok laughing it off until I've seen how it has affected my FI.

Quick background: He has a 30 year old brother who mows 19 yards and plays guitar at bars on the weekend for a living. Obviously this is not a great way to support yourself so they help him ALOT. Pay his rent every month, help him with bills, put $$ in his account when he overdrafts, etc. He's got a free ride and honestly doesn't give a damn that he's taking advantage of people. We even paid for him to fly to Vancouver from NC and stay a week and he blew $400 at the casino instead of taking us to dinner or even drinks. No wonder he still needs dad to cosign a car loan. FI always says it doesn't bother him that they are helping his brother (which is a lie) it just bothers him that just because he has a good job and can support himself that they won't help him AT ALL even though he is the baby and total golden child (seriously, it's a bit creepy how much FMIL adores FI). They are paying for FBIL WHOLE trip to Mexico, flight, hotel and wedding attire. FMIL made my FI buy his own suit for the wedding after she asked him to go wedding shopping.

FMIL mom remarried after her father died...nearly 20 years ago and she asked him not to come to the wedding and asked us not to put him in the program even though FI wanted him there because he's the only "grandfather" he has left. We also decided to go on a honeymoon and her response was "Why!?" FI response "so we can be together and alone after the wedding and enjoy eachother for a bit before life begins again" FMIL "you two live together and are alone all the time, why don't you just take her camping for the weekend...and I hope you don't expect me to pay for it now."

Our wedding is the weekend before Thansgiving so after the wedding we are going home to NC to spend Thanksgiving with his family and then we are leaving for a week long honeymoon to Costa Rica. AFTER we told her about our plan to honeymoon she tried to have an AHR for us...the same week. And said it would be rude of us not to for all the people who are missing the wedding! It was the same thing with my bridal shower, she insisted I have one, sent emails to only my bridesmaids (friends couldn't come) and sent gorgeous invites to 30 of her friends AND some of FI girlfriends from HS who I hadn't even met before. AND she had them all bring gifts which I VERY plainly asked her not too as we don't need them, have room for them or want them...now I have 3 cheese boards and a wooden statue plus 20 monogrammed glasses, all sitting in a basement.

Last time we went home for a few days I spend some time at my friends house visiting and wound up staying a few nights (it's almost an hour drive). Hadn't seen my GF's in a while, wanted to go out, not a big deal...the next day she told me it wasn't lady like to stay out all night drinking anymore and I should focus on being a better wife. WTF?

ARGHH there is so much going on in my mind lately...I really didn't expect to vent. The sad part is, this is just the half of it. She's become this monster in law lately and I don't know what to do anymore. It's like she hears me but doesn't listen and I just don't know how to get through. It's getting to both me and my FI and causing tension that doesn't need to be there.

I'm so sorry for the long rant!!! Thank you for listening, I know my friends are sick of hearing about my FMIL haha. I'm hoping this all dies down after the wedding when stress levels are back to normal. I just wish she would realize how she is treating everyone and that it isn't all about her.

[CrystalM]

Wow, what on earth happened to her?! I really don't know what to say. If your fiance talks to her, she's going to deny everything she's said and done and it'd probably creat more issues.

[flbluiiis]

Vent away! That is what we are here for! I can easily see how you would be frustrated with this. Would she hear your FI if he tried to talk to her...maybe if he sent her an email. You could help him draft one to send. That way you are helping him and getting some of it off your chest as well.

[mrsrhbtobe]

Yikes! I can see Jane Fonda's character now....

 

Have you spoken with your FI about her icy comments to you? What is his response? This conversation can be tricky too because she will always be his mother, no matter how much he disagrees with her.

 

Have you thought about maybe covering the cost of the honeymoon? Spending several thousand dollars may be worth your sanity if she continues to belittle you guys about your wedding choices.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like she has a major case of jealousy. Watching adults behave badly is frustrating! Maybe you could take her out for lunch or something and let her know that it hurts you that you feel she disapproves of your wedding choices. Be sure to include how grateful you are that she is giving so much financial support. You may have to fluff her ego a bit to get her to back down from being such an uber-b*tch. Or maybe writing her a letter would help?

 

I'm sorry you're having to experience this, but hopefully venting here and some of our suggestions will help. Keep your head up!

[EDSROSA]

Wow!?!? She's got some issues! Do you think the fact that her son is getting married might have something to do with her behavior? I would def have FI talk to her to see whats going on. Keep us posted

[Chica & Octi]

I'm sorry you have to go through that it really sucks.

 

Unfortunately I find weddings always bring the worst out in people and its always the last people you would expect!!

 

Good luck and hang in there! when its all over you will only remember how great the day was! (or so I've been told)

[NaM]

Thing literally went from bad to worse...

We couldn't decide what to do for a registry (I know there is nothing that says we need one but we've had lots of people ask, esp those who can't make it) so even though we had already booked and paid for most of the honeymoon (ourselves) we decided to set up a honeymoon registry. I thought it would be cute to send people pictures in their thank you notes of us doing the stuff they gave to us like zip lining or even us on the plane.

So FMIL goes on the website and sees this and immediately calls FI and tells him he has to take it down because it makes them look cheap. She goes on and on "what if one of dads clients see it" "people will talk" and on and on...and on. She told us if we didn't take it off she would buy the whole registry out and make it so people can't donate anything. Apparently, in her very outdated etiquette book it says the honeymoon is the responsibility of the grooms family and that it would look bad on them if people knew they weren't (well, they weren't so what's that problem?).

I just don't get it...we've been engaged for 9 months, she's had that long to offer if she wanted to pay. Not to mention when we told her we were going to Costa Rica she asked why we were even honeymooning and that we should go camping (see my previous post), that would've been a good time to offer if she wanted to do it. The wedding is less than 4 months away, was she going to wait until the last second?

I just want to reiterate that we in no way EXPECTED anything paid for, we appreciate it greatly but don't NEED and that's why I don't understand where all this is coming from anyway.

She finally wound up saying they would reimburse us for the money we've already spent and donate a little extra so we could enjoy the trip. THANK YOU. I know when to pick my battles and that was when I needed to shut up. She's paying for it so we get a perk and we took the registry down so she got what she wanted. Alls well that ends well, right?

Wrong! The next day I get an email saying... "I know you don't understand, and that's ok. You will someday"

That's it. I don't know what that's supposed to mean?? That her etiquette is outdated? That her comments lead us to take our own action and she still didn't approve? That just because I don't see something her way I'm wrong?

I haven't talked to her since and am truly at a lose of what to do. I don't want to ruffle any feathers but it just seems to be one thing after another after another....HELP!!

[Kristy!]

You should put up a mortgage registry now. That would really get her going!

 

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. I hate that you're dealing with this. I don't know what the right thing to do is, so I don't have any advice, but feel free to keep venting.

[mrsrhbtobe]

Wow. She really needs to find something to do with all of that resentment....yoga or knitting maybe?!? LOL! Well, I think you definitely did the right thing by taking the high road (i.e. knowing when to pick your battle). She'll either A. tire herself out with all of her high-school drama or B. realize she's being a Monster in Law. My advice: KILL HER WITH KINDNESS:) Let her little snide remarks roll off of your back, and just realize that you can't change her, but you can control how you react to her. Best of luck, and keep up the positive attitude. It sounds like you're being very upstanding:)

[JOSIE]

Natalia - Forgive me for a second for going a little therapist on you. I was a sociology/psychology major in college so I tend to get really analytical and once in a huge fight with jason when I was at my witts end, I googled something like "getting over anger" and I got this link : Anger/Aggression

 

After reading the article I literally (no joke) went through and highlighted things he does that make me feel upset, and vice versa....but the moral of the story is, it really helped ME IDENTIFY what REALLY GETS UNDER MY SKIN and how to change my own behavior to re-direct those emotions and confrontational situations. Maybe if you read it something inside you will click and you'll be like "oh, i can see why she does that" or vice versa. I almost believe its to the point that you need to sit down (or email) FMIL and get to the bottom of this because she will be involved in your life forever! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.....sorry for the psychological answer just trying to give you a different angle

 

PS: The one point that stuck out to me was "Underlying anger is caused by a perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values." Maybe FMIL is acting this way because she feels like she's losing control over FI's life...because you're his main priority now... just a thought!