ERRRRR!!! I want to fire my bridesmaid!

[arubabride]

Okay, so I have a bit of a long winded and unique situation and I’ve turned to my fellow brides for assistance and advice. Plain and simple, I am seriously considering firing one of my bridesmaids. BUT, and this is a big but, it will essentially end a number of friendships.

 

Background:

 

I went to a professional school in the US and a group of 8 of us became really close. We were a pretty tight knit group during those four years, but three have passed since we all graduated and I am north of the border once again. In the last three years we have met up at least twice a year for reunions and for conferences with respect to our professions, all great, it’s like we were all back in school each time.

 

Enter a couple engagements. So my bridesmaid (who I lived with for all four years of school), lets call her XX, gets engaged in May of 08, just before doing a 6 month stint in Iraq with the army. She calls me to tell me the good news and asks me to become a bridesmaid which I happily accept. While she was away, I also got engaged, and I also ask her to be a bridesmaid.

 

While she is away she lets me know that she wants to get married in the spring of 2010 but not sure when. She also tells me to pick a date whenever we make a decision. She said that because she was in Iraq she could not make a decision and essentially not to worry about stepping on her toes.

 

My wedding is a destination wedding and will incorporate family from Europe. I eventually choose the third week in January of 2010 because of family reasons and a number of other reasons. I should add that family is the primary reason we chose this date and that it is imperative that they attend.

 

Incident 1:

 

She returns from Iraq, calls me, leaves me a msg and I could immediately tell that there was something wrong because I know her voice and how she speaks when there are issues. I try to call her for almost three weeks, placing a number of calls/msgs, and finally she calls me back and we speak. She is upset because I never consulted her with the date of our wedding and believes that it will be inconvenient for our friends to attend two “destination weddings†because of travel and cost. Okay, more background, her wedding will be in Florida and all of our friends live across the US. But her wedding will be over a weekend, and may I add that all of our friends make good money (so it's not a financial concerns). She also then tells me that they have decided on a wedding date of Feb 27/2010, and demands to know why I want my wedding so close to hers. She questions my decisions and tells me to change my wedding to an earlier date and does not understand why it has to be this week. She also said that she felt like I was "upstaging her wedding". I share my feelings with her and a number of emails back and forth and essentially she says “Let's forget what happened and let bygones be bygones.â€

 

Incident 2:

 

I find my bridesmaid dresses at the beginning of this year. I sent all the bridesmaids pictures of the dress in March and include the closest store so they can try it on and let me know what they think. In April, I sent another email to all the bridesmaids asking for their sizes and measurements. The other three bridesmaids send me back everything I need within 48 hours (this is including one bridesmaid from Europe). XX does not even respond. I email her a number of times, no response. I was venting to my fiancée and he says he will send her a Facebook msg since I am not on Facebook. So he sends her a polite, upbeat, and cheery note.

 

She responds with a txt message saying “Why are you having (my fiance) send me messages? My measurements are ...†I write her a text back saying I would also like a size because the dress fits big and is empire style so she could totally avoid alterations (if she tried on the sample as I asked her!). I get no response. So I send her an email saying that obviously something is wrong and I only want your measurements and dress size because the sample sizes are large and I wanted to save you the cost of alterations.

 

I address the fact that she may be busy with her wedding and that dealing with my wedding and being a bridesmaid may be adding to her stress level. So I say that if this is the case she does not have to be one of my bridesmaids. She writes back and says that she was so upset about my email and she cried reading it and ends it by saying “if you don’t want me to be your bridesmaid then I won’t; but if you do, I will.†But still nothing on the dress size. I write her back and say I ordered her a size (I just picked one!), and she does not respond to the email.

 

Incident 3:

 

The group recently got together last weekend for a wedding of one of our friends. I was the last to get to the hotel and ran into a friend who says they are all at the bar come and join them. When I walk in, I see one of the girls mouth “she’s here†to XX. Everybody greets me and my fiancée, but I can tell things are off. When XX and I are usually together after not seeing each other for a while we are like sisters. But for the entire 3 days we were at the wedding we spoke for basically 5 minutes. When we did speak she was fake and did not ask about anything to do with my wedding. Even worse, is that I can tell that she has been talking about me because some of the other girls were also giving me the cold shoulder.

 

What to do?

 

It’s rather hard to type out to give the appropriate impressions but trust me things were weird. If somebody was to look us interact, you would not think we were friends.

 

So this brings us to the big decision. Do I fire her? I am also aware that if that happens, our friendship will be over. It will also probably end the friendship of at least four of the other girls. Why you may ask? Because we are a group that meets as a group, the girls don’t meet up one on one because of location. So if I say goodbye to her, I’ll essentially be saying goodbye to all of them. I am prepared to do that with how I was treated this past weekend.

 

So there you have it, thoughts are appreciated. Has anyone else been through something like this?

[Vikki]

I can't imagine what you're going through. Planning your wedding is supposed to be a time to celebrate with your close friends, not deal with stress like this.

 

It sounds like you've tried to make contact attempts to talk to her and clear the air without sucess. Sometimes email is an awful way to communicate, especially when there is already tension. It's so easy to take things the wrong way but since it's hard to contact her any other way I don't know that you have a choice.

 

There are a couple things that come to my mind, for whatever that's worth.

 

Will you be seeing her again soon?

 

Could you take her aside and see if you can get down to the bottom of what is causing her to have this reaction?

 

Let her know that your history and friendship is valuable to you and you want to understand what she's feeling.

 

Is this relationship important enough to you to take more extreme steps (such as making a special trip) to accomplish a face to face meeting? (depending on where she is at the time this may not be possible)

 

It's easy to say she's totally wrong and how awful she is but that really won't do anything to help or fix the situation. There is more going on than she is expressing to you and it's poisoning your relationship with her as well as your other friends. As an educated adult she should be open to some basic conflict resolution steps to try and clear the air. And if she's not you will know that you did everything you could to try and solve the problem and the ball is in her court now.

 

I wish you the best and I know you'll get a lot of good ideas here and an opportunity to express your frustration-sometimes that's the most important thing.

[Inked1]

It really sucks when a friendship starts to fizzle out despite all you do to try and keep it together. I guess if I were in your shoes I wouldn't fire her as a bridesmaid because like you said that would be the final nail in one if not several coffins.

 

From the impression I have if anything she might end up "firing" herself. At this point the dress is ordered, she knows the when, where, etc. Let her put on her big girl pants and make the decision to either show up and act like a graceful woman or bow out. If this friendship is destined to end the best you can do is let it end quietly and with out a knockdown drag out fight.

 

And hey, if you think your day would be easier if she doesn't show, don't chase her down for things. If you send and email to your WP and all but her responds I suppose you can just assume she doesn't want to be involved anymore. Plus if the other girls you saw at incident 3 will put more stock in what ever nonsense she was feeding them than their actual conversations/interactions with you, do you really want those women in your life?

[YoursTruly]

I would try my best to have a one on one with her. As for the other girls..what does it say about them if they end their friendship with you on account of one girl? I would be hesitant to cal them true friends, because real friends don't do this. I would as stated as XX to put on some big girls pants and really talk it through...I swear women can be so damn catty sometimes!! I of course had no patience for stuff like this and just cut folk off!!

[Carlitarenee]

That situation really sucks! I have to agree with the previous posters that firing her as a bridesmaid would only create more issues and while it may give you an initial satisfaction, it sounds like it would cause you more pain in the end. If you can have a one on one with her great, if not, I think Inked1's suggestion of letting her make the decision is the best way at this point. Send her the necessary info, but if she is not responding then don't go out of your way. Let the ball fall into her court and the decision to act like an adult be up to her.

 

I hope it all works out for the best, but the good news is your FI sounds very supportive and you will have a wonderful wedding regardless =)

[azulskies]

This situation would be so frustrating...I really think that you should try and have a one on one with her. I know it can be hard and awkward and frustrating but if she's going to be in your wedding, you have to get to the bottom of it because you don't deserve to have such hostility, especially on your wedding day. I really don't understand why she's being so catty; it really sounds like selfish reasons, and as your bridesmaid, she should be doing everything to make this planning easier. Sometimes I feel like weddings really show people's true colors, which isn't always a good thing. Good luck with the situation and if possible, let us know how it turns out