Utterly frustrated!

[angieanderson]

I didn't know where else to post this, but here goes! This is a little bit on the long and drawn-out side but I swear, it's a dilemma that I simply can't resolve!

 

My 'best friend" and I have been tighter-than-tight for about four years now. She was the one who introduced me to my FI and she was the first one my FI called when he was was going to pop the question. He also popped that question on her birthday, so there was no doubt in my mind when I asked-- well, moreso told-- her she that she was going to be my MOH.

 

So during the beginning stages of the wedding planning shebang, she became extremely busy with her own life, as she was in the midst of buying her first house. Of course something as big as that would detract her from her MOH-ly duties, but that was fine by me since I never wanted to put too much on her plate to begin with. However, I noticed that she would never ask about the wedding: how it was going, if there was anything I needed her to do, what dress I'd like her to wear, etc. etc. I brushed it off as petty stuff, put on my big-girl face, and carried on, even helping her look for her new abode.

 

In November, two months after the engagement, I mentioned to her that I wanted to have possibly have a small party at my house to celebrate my birthday and our engagement (side note, I love to celebrate everything lol). She asked me "Aren't you getting enough attention as it is with this wedding? Do you really need to throw an engagement party?". I was taken aback. Really? Did you just say that? I explained to her that it wasn't for attention, it was to celebrate how exciting everything was; to which she replied "ok, Bridezilla".

 

For some reason, that really struck a nerve with me. I wasn't trying to be selfish and bask in a bridal spotlight! I simply wanted to gather a few of our family and close friends and tell them, oh hey, by the way, we're engaged-- yay! However, her comment left me very uncomfortable and a bit annoyed-- so much so, I completely stopped talking about anything wedding-related to her (btw-- she attended the party. For all of one hour before running off to someone elses' birthday party.)

 

So anyway, fast forward. About a month and half ago, she told she had cheated on her boyfriend. It had absolutely nothing to do with our friendship, but for some reason, it struck another nerve in me for all the obvious reasons. Now, usually, I sugarcoat a lot of things when it comes to her and I tend to take her side, even if for the wrong reasons but this time around, I couldn't help but give her a little piece of my mind. In a calm, collected and adult manner of course. I thought that we could talk about anything as two grown adults that had been friends for awhile so I expected her to receive the opinion well. But no-- she did a COMPLETE 180! She accused me of judging her and acting like I knew everything about her and her relationship. I became a little angry at her backlash, but realized that I might have overstepped my boundaries as a friend. I tried to explain what I was trying to say but she wasn't having any of it and continued on her barrage of accusations. I quickly tried to diffuse the stiuation and told her that we would talk about later.

 

So a day goes by and she hasn't contacted me. A week goes by and I'm still unsure of how to feel. Should I stand my ground to get my point across or should I cave in and apologize? I decide to stand my ground because it just all really left a bad taste in my mouth. Two weeks go by, and she still has not contacted me. At this point, I felt like I should let her decide whether she wants to come to me and talk about it. Then another week goes by... Nada. I finally came to the decision that she would no longer be my MOH, a bridesmaid, or even a guest at our wedding. Sad as it was, but I was hurt and angry that, among other reasons-- a) she accused me of judging her and not being mature enough to handle a difference of opinion.

 

About a week ago, she starts leaving me civil little comments on Facebook and sending me random text messages. We start talking little by little, and she asks how the wedding is going and sends me ideas and links to wedding stuff-- you know, stuff she could have done back when. Neither of us have uttered a word about what transpired weeks earlier. In some ways, I'm relieved that we're at least somewhat talking but at the same time, I'm feeling guilty as hell that I've retracted her spot in my wedding.

 

So now, we're about three weeks to the big day and I'm not even sure if she's put the shoe on the other foot and thought about what's going through my head. Sure, I feel like crap because she was after all, my best friend. At the same time, neither my FI and I want any sort of drama on one of the most important days of our lives. And honestly, after all that happened, the FI doesn't care too much for her presence either. Deep down inside, I would like her to be there but I already know we're not going to be as close as we used to be. What would you do in a situation like this? It just all seems like high school all over again!

 

(BTW, since it's a very small ceremony, we decided to forgo the tradition of having a wedding party, so it sort of worked out anyway).

[~*Kathy*~]

Wow, so I can totally see your point of view and why you are so frustrated. I probably would have reacted the same way in all honesty. I'm glad that you two are talking again and being civil. That's a tough call. If you are truly worried that she well bring a bunch of drama on your wedding day, then by all means, do not re-invite her. However, if you feel that she will behave maturely and responsibly and you feel that you might regret not having her there, then re-invite her. This is one of those times where you'll have to really focus on whether or not this will go over well. Yes, it does seem a bit highschool-ish, but at the same time this is YOUR life and YOUR wedding and you have to do what is best for you and your fiance, not someone who is a fairweather friend. Wishing you the best of luck on this!

[JOSIE]

My honest opinion is I would address the situation before my wedding if I were planning to re-invite her...but that is just me. I would be too worried to offer another invite without knowing where we "stand" and I'd fear that after a few drinks the whole situation would be brought up on my wedding day, and I wouldnt want to deal with it. You are completely right that as best friends you should be able to have a civilized conversation, as adults, and she should be able to handle a difference of opinion. I would just be honest and say that you werent trying to hurt her, you were just being honest.....just like, i'm sure she was not trying to hurt you with her bridezilla comments about the engagement party...but either way, it was sarcastic and it hurt and you felt it unecessary.

 

good luck! keep us posted

[zethers]

Ugh, how disappointing! Instead of being excited for you and helping you plan your parties, you have to deal with her drama, that just sucks! I'm sorry. At least you've kept things into perspective, so congrats for that. I don't understand why people can't have a difference of opinion without taking everything so personal. I mean she was cheating on her boyfriend, and here you are getting married, yeah that might strike a nerve with me too! Good for you for telling her what you think, trure friends should be able to do that, and not have to sugar coat things. Doesn't mean you'll always agree, but so what, friends don't always have to agree.

 

I hope it all works out in the end, whether you decide she's a friend worth keeping or not. I totally agree with your reactions though.

 

Your wedding is almost here!!!! How exciting!

[~*Kathy*~]

Oh I just wanted to add that your friend's bridezilla comment regarding the engagement party could have potentially stemmed from jealousy? You did say she had a bf at the time so I think it is totally possible.

[Brenda&Jeff09]

Wow... I can understand your frustration. I'm in the middle of something similar with a long term friend of mine. We've been very close for about 9 years now, and a year or so ago I started making some changes in my life and worked VERY hard to lose a bunch of weight, etc, and it was like all of the sudden she turned on me and started making comments (like yours did with the bridezilla comment)... now that I'm engaged and planning the wedding, I was worried about what to do because she and I are barely talking... but she has always said she'd be standing there with me on my wedding day whenever that was to happen. She is not my MOH but I've decided to cut her from the wedding all together... in fact, her negative attitude and comments has brought me to the decision that she's not even invited to the destination wedding. It's a tough spot to be in... so I get your frustration!! Hope things smooth out for you!

[The Mandy in Chandy]

I'm sorry your friend is so unhappy. Friends are supposed to be through the good and the bad, but she seems quite selfish to me. I wish I could give some sage advice, but it's kind of a catch 22 here. There's always the off-chance if not invited that she could crash the wedding anyway. Good luck!

[koolatta]

Sorry to hear about the drama. I would have done the exact same thing in your shoes. I dont know your friend, but is she the type of person who will cause drama, make a scene or try to ruin your day? If so then do not invite her, but if you know deep down (all anger aside) that although you have your differences and even if she is in total diagreement with you that she would never disrupt your wedding then inviter her. She is your best friends and this happens once or twice when 2 people are very close especially around weddings since she may feel threatened or left out since you will be a married woman soon. I know that me and my bff can sometimes argue but she will never ruin my day. She may have a few choice words for me a few days after I get back from the wedding if something is bother her..lol..but she would not hurt me in that way. If you cant say the same thing about your best friend then not only should she not be at your wedding but who needs friends like that anyway.

 

Hope it all works out and stay strong. Its your wedding day and all that matters is that you and the groom are there and love eachother :-)

[angieanderson]

Thank you so much ladies! I've never felt more relief than ever! (Seriously... Venting and getting MATURE feedback definitely helps!

 

We have decided to not re-invite her. Josie, you had a really good about the subject being brought up after a few drinks. That's happened in the past with her, and I definitely do not want anybody crying into their cocktails about any kind of drama!

 

Kathy, that's what my FI is convinced it's all about-- jealousy. He and I started dating the same time she and her boyfriend started dating. I moved in with him before she moved in with hers, and she's always been so negative about us moving 'so fast'.

 

Brenda&Jeff-- I hope everything works out for you as well! It's not the easiest decision to make, but in hindsight, probably the best.

[~*Kathy*~]

Angie - I agree, most likely the cause of her resentment towards you/your wedding is jealousy. I'm not going to lie, I got totally jealous (but never out loud, just in my head haha) of a few friends who got engaged before me since I had been dating my DH for almost 8 years before he finally proposed last summer and I couldn't wait to marry him hehe. I would never try to make a friend feel bad about her wedding though just because I'm jealous. That's not a very nice friend at all. Even though my friend got engaged before me I was still thrilled for her to be engaged too, we even got together for supper and had a terrific time trading engagement stories and all that. I guess it really depends on how the person handles their jealous.