How do you tell/ask MOH to step down

[NABUMBAH]

While it sucks that she's not that interested in your wedding, it seems like you're expecting too much.

 

When you ask someone to be part of your wedding, you're asking them to stand by your side and support you. Not be your slave. Bachelorette parties, showers, help with save the dates, etc. are not part of the deal. It would be nice if she helped with those, but by no means does she have to nor should you expect her to.

[CourtneyV]

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Originally Posted by NABUMBAH While it sucks that she's not that interested in your wedding, it seems like you're expecting too much. When you ask someone to be part of your wedding, you're asking them to stand by your side and support you. Not be your slave. Bachelorette parties, showers, help with save the dates, etc. are not part of the deal. It would be nice if she helped with those, but by no means does she have to nor should you expect her to.

I think that's a bit harsh. She's not asking her MOH to be her slave and be in eternal debt, she's asking for some help. I agree, that maybe your MOH might think she still has lots of time since the wedding isn't for another 10 months. I'd definately talk to her if I were you, get her perspective and go from there... but I wouldn't strip her of her title just yet.

[NABUMBAH]

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Originally Posted by Nini_Bride I think that's a bit harsh. She's not asking her MOH to be her slave and be in eternal debt, she's asking for some help. I agree, that maybe your MOH might think she still has lots of time since the wedding isn't for another 10 months. I'd definately talk to her if I were you, get her perspective and go from there... but I wouldn't strip her of her title just yet.

maybe it was harsh, this just happens to be something that really irks me. - It really bothers me when people have a sense of entitlement to things just because they're getting married.

As I mentioned, when you ask someone to be a part of your wedding, you are asking them to stand by your side on the day that you wed in support of you. Bachelorette parties, showers, help with other wedding-related activities are not mandatory. I presume from the following

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I sent her a list of "to do's" about a month ago and nothing has been done, nor has she even talked to me about it. No shower plans, no bachelorette party, no help with engagement annoucements, no help with STD's- nothing.

that the list of to-do's included the above. and I'm just saying

- the wedding is 10 months away
- it's rather presumptuous to ask about/for these things.

And if you need help with wedding-related tasks, ask away, but you can't be offended if your bridal party can't/won't/doesn't help.

Something important to think about when you're getting married is that NO ONE - not even your fiance - cares about your wedding as much as you do. (hopefully your fiance cares as much about the MARRIAGE though!) So if those around you don't share your enthusiasm for invitations, flowers, or fabric (lord knows, no one cared as much as I did about my invitations that I lamented about for 5 months...) don't get upset. Just understand that they have lives too. And their lives do not revolve around weddings 24/7

[amanda&gabe2008]

I never asked my MOH to be my slave nor did i ever expect her to be. I guess what i am getting at is that i just expected a little more support.

 

I dont expect her to call me everyday and ask about the wedding, however there has not been one time when support was offered.

 

After i got engaged and asked her to be my MOH, we had a long discussion about it and what we "planned" on doing. She is the ONLY person standing up in the wedding. I am an only child and while i love my mom, she isnt the "planner" type- so cant count much on a "go getter" there. My fiance's parents are not involved at all and i am not even allowed to talk about the wedding with them (religious differneces- long messed up story).

So- i feel that i am alone in the planning process.

 

I know that i care way more than most people about my wedding- however- i just need a little more support. I realize that my wedding is not for another 10 months, however we are planning the wedding in Jamaica for 40 as well as a reception back in Michigan for 150 2 days after we get home. It would be nice for some help, thoughts/suggestions from her.

 

I dont know if it has to do with money, or her not knowing what to do. I have made arrangements with her tonight for us to go to try and find her a dress. I am going to talk to her about the trip and some other "wedding related" things. Hopefully we will get it all worked out.

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts/words....

[NABUMBAH]

It sounds like you just need to sit down with her and talk it out then. Sorry that you have so many issues - really. Just try to be cognizant of her feelings too. Maybe she is dealing with jealousy, or feelings of abandonment. And remember that not every conversation has to be about your wedding. Make some time for your friendship with her too. good luck.

[LisaG]

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Originally Posted by amanda&gabe2008 Hi girls, i am having some problems with my MOH. She is just not being supportive nor doing anything for me at all. She refuses to try on dresses and complains about her weight. I sent her a list of "to do's" about a month ago and nothing has been done, nor has she even talked to me about it. No shower plans, no bachelorette party, no help with engagement annoucements, no help with STD's- nothing. In her defense- she has gone with me dress shopping, however NEVER likes anything that i do. i am not a confrontational person, however i think i have to make a decision. we are having all sorts of problems trying to secure group pricing with the airfare and hotel rates. she hasnt even talked to me about her travel plans- i dont even know if she is going.....i am really stressed out.... Help.......

Oh I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Yes, I just had to ask my MOH to step down, and IMO our friendship will not make it. Unless she wows me with some great apology and fesses up as to why she really isn't going and has not done anything in the past 6 months to prepare. I just want the truth. If it's the $$ and you've been blowing me off because you're embarrased - - please don't be. Seriously, that might be the only reason why she is not doing anything you've asked her to. Maybe she has already made up in her mind that she can't go and now is just streaming you along because she's scared to tell you. Tell her as I did mine, I will not be mad if you don't go, but I have planning to do and I can't wait around several more months (stressing!!!) while you wait to tell me what you already know. Tell me and let me pick someone that will be helpful in my planning process. Hope that helps! It really doesn't have to be confrontational.

[dragonfly]

Planning a wedding is stressfull but I do think it is too soon to plan showers, bachelorette partys, these are also not always a given, it is just a nice perk. Instead of waiting for her to offer her help, you should try asking her over for drinks and ask her if she would mind helping you out with your std's. Then when it is time for the next thing on your list a couple of months down the road ask for her help once again. A list can be overwhelming, just ask her one thing at a time, then it won't seem as your being too demanding on her.

 

I do agree with Nabubbah, a wedding is about you, and you can not expect anyone else to want to plan your wedding. I too am planning a wedding, welcome reception, and a farewell dinner for 45 people in DR, a ahr, a before we go barbq, and I still have my family to take care of. My girls are my MOH's, so no help there LOL. I had to know that it was going ot be work, and if any help comes your way great, and if not oh well. It will be stressful, you will get through it (so the girls keep telling me) but it is certainly not worth losing friendships over.

 

Kelly~

[MikkiStreak]

I understand what you're saying Amanda about needing support because a lot of sources we would expect to be a support (parents, family, etc...) are not available to you. I would say definitely have a talk with you MOH, and cover expectations---- what does she feel she can help you with and what kind of timeframe does she think it should happen in. But, I also agree with Natasha too---- I think it's too easy for brides to get caught up in the "it's my day" mentality and all that it entails (meaning, everyone should be jumping with joy and rushing to our assistance and be involved). I think that what help and support we get with our weddings is a blessing, not an expectation. I, personally, have almost no interest in bridal showers and bachelorette parties, so if my MOH wants to host one, great- but if she doesn't, I really don't care. As for help with wedding items, I really plan on doing it myself, but that's because I'm a control freak.

 

I would say this tho--- since you don't have a lot of help/support from people that normally would be available, put more on your FI. It's his wedding too and if his family isn't available as support and for assistance, then he needs to step up to the plate on their behalf.

[rodent]

A friend of mine was MOH in a destination wedding she did not attend. She will be standing by the bride's side when they show the video at the reception. That could be an option if she is unable to attend.

 

Possibly she is upset because she was not given the option to attend or not. If she is asked to be MOH, then she would feel expected to be there with no choice. If you sit down & talk about it you can probably work things out.

 

I've been in a lot of weddings. I think its really important to make your wedding party feel like VIP guests, not hired help. Not that you have done this, but it definitly happens all the time. Its fun to help with a wedding, but only if it feels like choice not a duty.

 

My plan is to either not have bridesmaids or to wait to see who books flights & then ask them to be in the wedding. They won't need matching dresses, so I can wait until it gets closer.

 

Good luck! Just don't lose a valuable friendship!

[Mickie1987]

Aaaah!! You don't know if she's even going?! Okay, I may have a tendency to get emotional quickly, but this calls for emotion. That's just more stress than you should have to deal with when planning a wedding. I would say a decision definately needs to be made right away. I don't like confrontation either so, one way of handling things is to have a discussion with her and somehow ask her is she is feeling overwelmed and maybe would like to hand the job over to someone else. Kind of make it her idea. Afterall, it doesn't sound like she's enjoying herself either.