In a tough spot- do I fire a bridesmaid?

[DarcyJAde]

I think she hasn't booked becasue she doesn't have many friends, and the people at work she could've roomed with wnet ahead and booked without her. She did RSVP, so I assume she is coming. She claims she doesn't know her schedule yet for school in the fall. I guess I am not too concerned about her not booking becasue there are 2 groomsmen still yet to book. Some people are just procrastinators.

 

We will see what happens, my MOH is having a bridal shower for me. Let's see if she helps. She was supposed to have a work shower for me and my FI (we work together as well). She just asked me this week when I wanted to have it. Maybe that's progress?

[DanielleNDerek]

Yeah maybe she's trying if she's willing to have a work shower for you. I wonder what her problem is though. I was thinking since she hasnt booked yet that maybe she cant go and just doesnt know how to tell you so she's avoiding you as best as she can. I hope she comes around and becomes a great bm in the next 3 months.

[~Nicole~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarcyJAde Well, it would be tough to consider someone a friend if they weren't there for me during an extremely important time in my life. So if she started acting "nice" again after the wedding it would probably piss me off more!!

LOL, I agree!! Well, then I guess if you're ok with ending the friendship then my advice would be to just end it now. Then you don't have her ruining any events for you. In my case, I can't end the relationship with my negative wedding party member......she's my sister . And she is the only wedding party member that hasn't booked! Ugh, it sucks how people have to be so selfish and stress us out!
You deserve better and good luck! Don't let anyone ruin your day!

[KLC77]

So, I'm going to go out on a limb and go against the group here. I do think you should have another heart to heart with her, but I don't think the conversation should be about you or what she has done/ not done and how YOU feel about it. I think the conversation should be about HER and what's going on in her life. You may find out that all of the other girls are right and you should write her off, BUT you might find out that she is super stressed with other things that have nothing to do with you or the wedding. Sometimes when we're planning our day we forget that its not other people's top priority regardless of how close a friend they are.

 

I am currently in school and it is crazy. You can't imagine the homework I have every day. My friends probably think I'm blowing them off all the time because I ALWAYS say I have homework and can't go out. Maybe, for the event you mentioned she thought she was going to be able to make it, but then realized she wouldn't be finished in time.

 

I'm just saying that after 10 years I'd give a person the benefit of the doubt and not consider writing them off just because they weren't doing what I had hoped or expected they would do. You may find out that I am wrong, the other girls are right and she's just a terrible friend, but you may find out that there's more going on in her life and things might make more sense.

 

I hope you talk it out and get some sort of resolution because there's enough stress involved with planning a wedding without our friends adding to it!

 

(of course I think that if you feel like you've exhausted all options and this girl isn't someone you think is good for you, then by all means end the friendship; I don't want you to think I'm being b*tchy. lol I just know how hard it is to find good girl friends and would hate to see you lose one if it can be worked out.)

[DarcyJAde]

I appreciate the different perspective Kelly. You are partly right, she is super stress out with school. That's why I haven't asked her for much. After our heart to heart, she said some things that hurt me. I told her I noticed our friendship had changed since I got engaged, to which she replied " sorry you didn't notice that it had changed before that." ? Ok, guess I hadn't noticed, thanks for telling me though. Also, she made a point to say I bring my FI everywhere and she feels like a 3rd wheel (which I would understand) however, she says we are the ONLY couple she hangs with that make her feel that way. That is completely not true. We are not a PDA type of couple, and my FI is super friendly and talks to everyone. Plus, we all work together so I though we were all friends. AND I swear I didn't always bring him along, but if I did and apparently it bothered her why didn't she ever say anything until I brought it up?

[Ayita]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarcyJAde I appreciate the different perspective Kelly. You are partly right, she is super stress out with school. That's why I haven't asked her for much. After our heart to heart, she said some things that hurt me. I told her I noticed our friendship had changed since I got engaged, to which she replied " sorry you didn't notice that it had changed before that." ? Ok, guess I hadn't noticed, thanks for telling me though. Also, she made a point to say I bring my FI everywhere and she feels like a 3rd wheel (which I would understand) however, she says we are the ONLY couple she hangs with that make her feel that way. That is completely not true. We are not a PDA type of couple, and my FI is super friendly and talks to everyone. Plus, we all work together so I though we were all friends. AND I swear I didn't always bring him along, but if I did and apparently it bothered her why didn't she ever say anything until I brought it up?

Well, it sounds like she is hurt by something, although she does not really tell you what... It also sounds like she resent you (not as a person, maybe more as a couple). I am going to ask a dumb question here, but did you ask her if she wanted to be your BM ? I mean, asked her again if she really wanted to be in your party after hearing all this ?

If not I would actually provoke a conversation again. Tell her some words hurt you and you don't understand them, make her talk and try to understand exactly what is it that makes her think "your friendship changed" or you're the only couple making her feel like a third wheel. And then if you see it's going too far, ask her again - if she really wants to be in your party, given all that she's feeling ?

Hint : I took this awesome training on communication where I learnt a trick : in order to make people talk, try not to ask questions. Repeat what they say and let them develop. For instance, you can start by repeating what she said about your friendship. Then repeat it in a different way. Works much better than asking questions where you could put your own feelings/thoughts in.

[KLC77]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarcyJAde I told her I noticed our friendship had changed since I got engaged, to which she replied " sorry you didn't notice that it had changed before that."

Yikes, those are fighting words! lol That'd piss me right off. (is this from the first heart to heart you had with her, or did you guys talk again?)

[big3n09]

I agree with KLC77 sometimes people are dealing with their own issues and they misdirect their feelings. I would talk to her again about her and whatever she may be dealing with, you may be surprised at what she says. My BF was hesitant to tell me about her alternative lifestyle and I was hurt that she thought I would look at her any different, but actually when we talked about it she admitted it was her own insecurities. Things have changed between us she didn't come to my graduation this past weekend and I missed her last birthday party. I still love her the same and just accept that our relationship has changed and know how to carry things between us. I have noticed some other strange behavior from close people and I have to understand they feel like our relationship is going to change because to some degree it is. Most people struggle with change because they don't know what to expect but life must go on and ultimatley things are gonna change. Good luck with your situation.

[DarcyJAde]

I just thought you guys would like to know that we are both at work today, for almost 4 hours now. I haven't really spoken to her (trying the ignoring thing), and it seems so is she. We haven't said 2 words to each other. I feel like this is so childish, but honestly I haven't been feeling up to another confrontation. The last one had me crying for several days...

 

KLC77- Those words were from the last confrontation (which I thought was resolved) but it appears nothing has changed

[frank13]

I have read all this posts and all I have to say is I feel for you that someone you thought would be supportive isn't.

I would say I agree with some of the other advice, don't cut her out of the wedding for 3 reasons. 1. yes, you still have to work with her. 2. it is technically rude to take away the title like BM or whatever, even if you think she is not doing her part (unless of course it's like what one of the other girls said, a GM said he had feelings for the bride, not appropriate). 3. not everyone you work with knows whats going on i'm sure but if you fire her, they will.

 

Honestly it sounds like she is jealous, you are happy and getting married and have a lot of friends paying attention to you and your impending day. what does she have...a lot of homework lol. I know the heart to heart didn't work, but before you just treat her like a regular guest, which is great advice, maybe try and make her feel extra special and she might come around and the friendship could be repaired if you are still interested in that. I really hope it all works out for you.