I need to vent about my future family...

Jessica · June 27, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prettyhazardous

During Pre-marital counseling the pastor said that he needed to mend to relationship with his mother and invite her to the wedding.

As someone who counseled victims of abuse, I have to say I totally disagree with this. Brian has every right not to want to mend his relationship with someon who was so abusive to him. Sometimes when you have a family member who is toxic, it's in the best interest of the person to cut ties with him/her. I'm not saying that's the exact case here, but I think it's up to Brian to make that decision. He needs to heal from the effects of abuse before even considering mending his relationship with his mother (if that's what he choses).

This idea makes me really uncomfy bc I think what if I do something wrong can he just kick me out of his life as well..
Unless you are being abusive to him, I think comparing the two relationships is unjustified. You are not his mother and you did not spend years inflicting physical, emotional and verbal pain on him. It's not like he kicked her out of his life for no reason. He has a very valid reason if he was abused.

In my opinion it's not your place to try and repair the relationship between these two or push the issue. Is he unhappy not having a relationship with his mother? If he's not then I don't think you should interfere in that. You also shouldn't feel guilty... this whole idea of "allowing" his family not to be invited... if he feels uncomfortable or doesn't want to invite his family, end of story. I also think it's a little unfortunate that his cousin was pissed at not being invited. Disappointment is expected, but to be pissed? It just seems like there's a sense of dysfunction in the family dynamic and you shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I would just take FI's lead on how he wants to handle this. Be supportive of him and his decisions. It sounds like his childhood was pretty rough.

Prettyhazardous · June 27, 2009

Hey ladies thanks for all your support, your responses were so helpful.

I feel the need to clear some stuff up thou. My concern isn't really regarding his mother. As of yesterday she told her sister that she had no idea why Brian isn't a part of her life yet she also told her sister that Brian did tell her that the ways she talks to him is unacceptable. I totally understand that if she's not willing to accept and own up to what she did than Brian needs not have any kind of relationship with her.

Also regarding what the minister said she could tell that Brian wasn't totally over the situation and she felt that him meeting with his mother and discussing the issue one last time would help. She had actually said to just to explain to her that she's no longer a part of his life etc etc and move on... (moving on being the most important part bc I personally don't feel that any abuser needs any kind of explanations) Both the minister and myself are social workers and we both understand that issues need to be worked thru not ignored, which is clearly what he's doing. So his feelings regarding the situation are just festering rather than being worked out (he does this with alot of stuff and if he cant learn to actually work thru problems rather than act like they don't exist than we will clearly have problems in the future... Altho I totally understand that this is just his defense mechanism of choice). I have a situation somewhat like his with my own mother but I have accepted what shes done (and continually doing). Eventhough I don't like it I don't harp on it nor does it bother me. I know she won't change so while I don't deal with her I also don't hate her.

My concern is regarding the rest of the family. Because he finds no fault with them and they did nothing wrong (besides not seeing the signs of abuse but no one holds them at fault for that). Brian wants them to be a part of his life but I guess he doesn't see that as a possibility unless his mother is a part as well.

Also we come from a deeply rooted religious background and forgiveness is mandatory. I spoken with many ministers about this and they also say that we can't chose what we forgive we have to just forgive because God forgives us daily. So one can forgive and move on, but it'd be almost silly to forget everything.

Ok I gotta go but he was supposed to contact her today. When he gets in I'll update you all on the situation.

Hartyt509 · June 27, 2009

I don't agree that you have to forgive no matter what - i'm sorry I don't mean to offend but that has bugger all to do with religion in my own opinion.

You need to support FI and just be there for him thats the end of it really. The girls are right people handle things in different ways. He maybe doesn't want to get back in with his family because they will bully him into seeing his mother and he's probably right. Look what a meeting has done to him.

I wish my DH would just cut off his lot because of the same reasons, I used to like MIL until I've heard some of the things she allowed to happen to her kids and now I despise her but for some reason he still loves her, although he has cut the strings a lot more.

If there is no room for his family then that's it just leave it alone chick and let him deal with it his way