This is probably dumb :S

[*Jen* OPPRN]

Okay so today I was at my future FIL's house as the family is getting the house ready to be sold (FIL is elderly and unwell) - Today my fiance's daughter came over to go through some things and found her parents wedding album....so of course out of curiousity (sp) I want to see the pictures - now granted it was a long time ago - and he is 16 years older than I am so I was a kid when he married her.

 

But here is the problem - the wedding gown was made of chiffon - my gown that I have half paid for is chiffon - now this is the stupid part - it is bugging me to the point where I am thinking I want a different dress - as a matter of fact I want a dress that has colour in it so that my dress is completely different.

 

I know it is likely dumb to think this way but I can't seem to help it, I absolutely do not like his ex-wife () she has caused nothing but grief for us and when I saw the dress and realized the material was the same I was like huh - isn't THAT special :S

[BillysBride]

lol...I think the key thing is that you DO realize your feeling is irrational. It's normal-but irrational.

 

There are a lot of chiffon bridal gowns and you are having a DW--it's just a coincidence, and I guarantee you HE doesn't remember what her gown looked like, let alone what material it was. I TOTALLY GET YOUR GUT REACTION....just don't let it run away with you. You chose your gown because you love it. That shouldn't change because she had the same material. I can see if it LOOKED similar in design..but the material...don't let her do that to you. Don't let her TAKE the gown YOU chose from you. She shouldn't have that power and the dress is certainly not to blame.

 

That being said, if you can't shake the feeling by rationalizing with yourself over the next few months, then change the dress. But I'm just saying..if you're going to give CHIFFON this kind of power, theres likely to be more down the road. Other similarities or other things you want to do or change to differentiate your wedding from their, your relationshp from theirs, your marriage from theirs. It's not necessary. She's something from his past that happened and is over. You are his entire future...every day, for the rest of his life. Don't sully that with thoughts about a closed chapter in someone else's life.

[Kat81]

I would put my house on the fact that if you showed your FI five different dresses out of five different materials and he wouldn't be able to tell you what his Ex wore at her wedding. I know you just want to be totally different but I know that when he sees you in your dress the LAST thing he will be thinking is about his ex.

[*Jen* OPPRN]

See - you girls are great - I knew it was being stupid - you are right - gut reaction to seeing the wedding pictures - they both looked good on their wedding day - but they are not the same people they were then - obviously or I would not be in the picture - and with the DW - that is a different as it gets Thanks for the input ladies - I feel better already - jsut needed to get it out since it was bugging me so much. I agree - he wouldn't have a clue about the material LOL

[Kat81]

When my BFF got married I was her MOH and I put together a slideshow for her. We were at her Soon to be inlaws going through pictures trying to find some of her FI and we found a few of his first wedding pictures. It really got to her too. We had to make sure all the flowers and colors were completely different lol. It's just one of those things. He is with you because his ex and him didn't work and he LOVES you more than anything in the world. And no material or colors or flowers will make him think of anything but you on your day

[JOSIE]

Sweetie I can TOTALLY relate. My FI was married and I've asked him several times to make sure I don't see any pics because I know I will analyze them to the N-th degree and I don't want to do that. Even though I specifically asked NOT to see pictures I wonder if my dress is similar to hers and sometimes stress about MINOR similarities. In the end, I just keep telling myself that our wedding (and life) will be COMPLETELY different...........AND he's a guy who doesn't even see the similarity or relevance in everyday things, let alone would he be able to cohesivley piece together that day and make any sort of connection. I agree with BillysBride, if it really is bothering you a few months from now then get a different dress. Do what YOU need to do to feel 100% comfortable on your wedding day. But just don't pass up your dress if it is perfect for you and makes you feel amazing, just so you can have a different fabric....don't settle for looking less than your best.

 

I'm here if you need to chat, I completely know how this feels!

[YoursTruly]

I guess its normal but I agree totally not worth the time stressing...what would you do if the ex had more money, better body, personality!! Come on folks put it in perspective here...

[*Jen* OPPRN]

Thanks Josi and Kat I appreciate your kind words

 

Yours Truly - she does have more money b/c she is getting all of my FI money - as for personailty - phoney b*tch - body - yeah not so much - I was having a moment when I was looking at my FI during another time of his life and I felt a little insecure - not feeling that way anymore so I think I have it in "perspective"

[JOSIE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Jen* OPPRN Thanks Josi and Kat I appreciate your kind words Yours Truly - she does have more money b/c she is getting all of my FI money - as for personailty - phoney b*tch - body - yeah not so much - I was having a moment when I was looking at my FI during another time of his life and I felt a little insecure - not feeling that way anymore so I think I have it in "perspective"

good to hear in case you are bored - you can read my stupid insecurites on this thread i posted a while back....basically about my insecurity with my FI's ex. http://bestdestinationwedding.com/forum/t42449

ex wives suck!

[ebredhawk]

josie, i immediately thought of you when i read this, because i think you definitely emerged with a better mindset about your same situation.

 

while FI was never married before, he does have a child with another woman who is basically the spawn of satan. i find myself changing the radio station if his daughter tells me a song is on is one that her mom plays, even though i know it's silly i really do not want ANY association with her. the real challenge i've found (and i know josie can back me up here) is finding a place where you're comfortable enough with yourself and your relationship to know that there's a reason why your FI is with you and not her!! (and it has nothing to do with wedding dresses or songs on the radio!)

 

jen.. on another note, i would just like to share the sentiment with you that child support/alimony STINKS! while FI would willingly give his right arm and every dollar he makes to support his daughter, the fact that it goes into her mom's bank account is gut-wrenching. i'm right there with you on that one!