Advice to Brides from a MOH

[BillysBride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC_Rachel Not everyone has a lot of time and a lot of money to contribute. So if you are in the latter, you get stuck in a hard place. Do you decline or do you look like the BM that all the girls on the forum complain about KWIM?

LOL..I DEFINITELY feel you on that. You don't want to be known as the difficult or selfish one by comparison.

I've never had the problem of the financial expectations beyond paying for my dress, so in all honesty, I can't comment on that. Bridal showers I've been involved in, we all chipped in with supplies/food/venue and they were very simple, but nice, affairs. It's called "wedding party" for a reason; even as MOH, I think it's encumbant upon me to ASK for help instead of taking it all on myself. Whomever chooses not to, oh well-at least I asked. MOH to me is just the organizer, not the bank. To be honest, I think if one of my friends told me some crap about wanting a weekend in Vegas, the first thing out of my mouth would be "Great-so when does everyone need to have their money in?" lol

You gotta draw a line where you are comfortable and no one should expect you to go beyond that as long as you make your position clear from the gate.

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC_Rachel Thankfully no Morgan. But then again, I'm not exactly close with a ton of girls so I don't think I will have to be in any more weddings, except for my sisters. Honestly, I think I'm just jaded by the whole wedding thing because I have a huge family and every single one I have been to they expect me to work. I have only been to a few weddings were I could just be a guest and not do a damn thing. It's an entirely different experience to say the least. I get what you are saying though Savannah. I just think sometimes bridal parties get to bare more work than they should because of "traditional" thoughts of what's expected. I guess I really meant to say that if you want to help out with someone's wedding and put a lot of time and money into it because you WANT to then by all means do. I just don't think it should be expected- even if you are bridal party. Not everyone has a lot of time and a lot of money to contribute. So if you are in the latter, you get stuck in a hard place. Do you decline or do you look like the BM that all the girls on the forum complain about KWIM?

I agree. I'm jaded by the whole wedding thing, too. I learned pretty early to say no to things that I didn't want to do as a BM. Parties in vegas, excess travel, matching shoes, overpriced dresses...

Before i'd say no, I'd just start to resent my friend. Often the other girls didn't want to do it either, but didn't want to be the bad guy.

Still, I do a certain amount of just sucking it up & being a good bridesmaid. I am very supportive of my friends. I just don't like feeling used or mistreated so I don't just do anything I'm told.

brides are often not bridezillas, they just have no clue sometimes. i think they get excited and start coming up with ideas before facing the reality of things. and then money starts to run out & they get stressed and put some burden on their bridesmaids.

On the list of things on the vent, probably just the lack of thank you cards & madatory clean up duty would have pissed me off. I've been on clean up duty before. While wearing my BM dress. And the groomsmen just watched. An man even handed us trash to throw away. We were all furious, but I know my friend never intended for things to be like that. She asked a couple of people to clean up, not realizing it was a bigger job than just those few people could do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillysBride LOL..I DEFINITELY feel you on that. You don't want to be known as the difficult or selfish one by comparison. I've never had the problem of the financial expectations beyond paying for my dress, so in all honesty, I can't comment on that. Bridal showers I've been involved in, we all chipped in with supplies/food/venue and they were very simple, but nice, affairs. It's called "wedding party" for a reason; even as MOH, I think it's encumbant upon me to ASK for help instead of taking it all on myself. Whomever chooses not to, oh well-at least I asked. MOH to me is just the organizer, not the bank. To be honest, I think if one of my friends told me some crap about wanting a weekend in Vegas, the first thing out of my mouth would be "Great-so when does everyone need to have their money in?" lol You gotta draw a line where you are comfortable and no one should expect you to go beyond that as long as you make your position clear from the gate.

you are so wise

[Ana]

OMG! That's brutal!!! I would have lost it! wow I was pretty chill with my wedding party. I didn't even ask them to do anything lol let them pick their own dresses etc..

 

I am however, the MOH at my friend's wedding this coming year. She's great though. So far she has acknowledged my feelings about various things and she's definitely not cheap so that's good lol

[J&MWedding]

I want to say I sort of know how you felt about that experience, my experience being a MOH wasn't as bad as your's, but there were similarities. The bride did get us Coach bags for our presents! but I went above and beyond for her, I threw her an engagement party (100 ppl party), and of course organized the bachelorette party (which was 15 girls total so it was hard to collect money from everyone), and help host the bridal shower, and I just did everything and anything she asked for! I was definitely her B**** through the wedding process. Picked up her invitations, went to all her dress fittings, went to bridal expos with her. She did write me a nice card too, but I didn't spend any time with her either. As if, since we are family, it's gets taken advantage of. Not a big deal, she really was appreciative, but I just think it's strange that many MOH's end up not spending time with the bride.....

I wouldn't change a thing though, I just thing sometimes you have to be the sweet person you are and be the "bigger" person. Now part of me feels bad that she is having to spend $800-$1000 to attend my wedding and be my MOH, but when all is said and done, I probably spent over $1,500 being her MOH. And I told her not to worry about an engagement party and I'm just having my bachelorette party in PV while we are down there, so no extra cost/trip for that. I'm just having a bridal shower, which my aunt already offered to throw.

[Gr8ful]

Thank you for sharing that story, although I'm sorry you went through that experience! The cheap part is almost forgivable, but to not say thank you and acknowledge your help is just tacky on her part. I hope that your friendship has been able to weather this storm. It is so strange how weddings make people get so weird. Isn't this supposed to be a happy time?

 

All that being said, letting me know what NOT to do is very helpful. I will keep your advice in mind to treasure their presence and help, spend time with them and at the very least, thank them for their participation.

 

Thanks for sharing! :-)

[Gr8ful]

Oh, and of course, not make them clean up the mess! What was she thinking!

[*tanga*]

I am MOH to my best friend - gosh where do I start...

The top 3:

1. She asked me to reschedule a 7 week holiday (booked before she got married) to europe for another friends wedding so she could have the date she wanted.

2. I have to now take 4 days of my annual leave to accommodate all the appointments she has made leading up to the wedding when she knows full well I have been accumulating leave for my own wedding next year - Oh sure I will cut my honeymoon short so I can get a spray tan!!!!

3. She can't make my wedding because she might not be able to afford it (but can spend $8 each for her 100 invitations) btw they are u-g-l-y!! (ok vent over...)

 

I think as a bride you should at least be having some consideration for other peoples feelings. I know it is the most "important day" of a brides life but not at the expense of other peoples feelings.

 

I am actually questioning the friendship with my friend of 10 years over her behavior...

[mmontgo]

What a horrible experience you and the rest of the bridal party had. Its so important to take time and show your bridal party how much you appreciate them. That girl should have been given a reality check. Your a better person than me!

[sunsetbride1]

Eek.. well, I am sorry that you felt so used and under-appreciated honey! That is awful. Thanks for sharing your feelings though, it will hopefully help all of us brides keep things in perspective.

 

I will say one thing though, I think that communication is so important in EVERY relationship that anyone has (husband, wife, fiance, friend, co-worker, brother, sister, etc...). If anyone (whether I was in their wedding or not; MOH or not) asked me to do something I did not feel comfortable with; could not afford or did not feel like I should do - I would very honestly tell them how I feel and if they were a good friend they would understand and we would find a way to compromise that we both feel good about.

 

If her friendship means a lot to you (I am assuming it does given you were her MOH and she is yours); please do not email her. Email can be very deceiving and things are almost always taken the wrong way. Sit down and tell her how YOU feel without putting her down. Just explain that you felt "xxx" when "xxx" happened.

 

I hope you can work it out and again I am so sorry that you were made to feel so badly!

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *tanga* I am MOH to my best friend - gosh where do I start... The top 3: 1. She asked me to reschedule a 7 week holiday (booked before she got married) to europe for another friends wedding so she could have the date she wanted. 2. I have to now take 4 days of my annual leave to accommodate all the appointments she has made leading up to the wedding when she knows full well I have been accumulating leave for my own wedding next year - Oh sure I will cut my honeymoon short so I can get a spray tan!!!! 3. She can't make my wedding because she might not be able to afford it (but can spend $8 each for her 100 invitations) btw they are u-g-l-y!! (ok vent over...) I think as a bride you should at least be having some consideration for other peoples feelings. I know it is the most "important day" of a brides life but not at the expense of other peoples feelings. I am actually questioning the friendship with my friend of 10 years over her behavior...

say no to things you think are out of line. as long as you do it nicely, a reasonable person will understand. It's better to let her know you will not be doing something, instead of doing it and resenting her for it.

Like the spray tan. Just tell her you won't be around for the appointment and you won't need a spray anyway, because you will have just returned from your honeymoon.