checking someone's email - advice please!

[JOSIE]

I'm expecting to maybe get some harsh feedback from this thread...but wondering if anyone else has ever done this?

 

I recently did this because I've been having issues with a friend and feeling like she repeatedly lies to me. Long long story but I just wanted to know if these things were true.....so I checked her email.

 

Sure enough, I got confirmation that she was lying and also doing some other very strange things...including forwarding my emails to other people and changing the wording, etc.

 

Obviously I'm stuck.... I can't tell her I checked her email, and I'm sick about what I saw! Do I just chalk this one up to me getting what I deserve for being so sneaky? Its not something I would normally do, but desperate times call for desperate measures!

[ACDCDCAC]

wow i dont know what to say.

 

first of all im not gonna knock you because you know it was wrong, and you didnt post this to have us all go crazy on you, i can tell you are genuinely in a weird place about it and just wanted feedback.

 

i think if i were you i would just sever your "friendship" with this "friend" and try to walk away. hopefully that will fix it, and i sure hope her forwarding your emails with false info doesnt come back to hurt you, because you obviously cant talk to any of your RL friends about doing this.

 

it might be hard to walk away from her as you thought you were friends, but she doesnt deserve to be your friend if she is going behind your back like that. even tho it probably wasnt the right thing to do, you were just doing to her as she did to you. doesnt justify it, but hopefully you kwim

 

good luck!

[BachataBride]

Wow...that one is a toughy!

Yes...you totally deserve to be in this situation for checking her email! But like you said you wanted to prove your suspicions. I suggest not emailing her so she can't use your emails against you. I'm not sure how you should confront her though? Is there another way you can tell her you know what she's up to without telling her you checked her email??

[JOSIE]

This might sound really strange, but I know the only reason she changed my wording is so that she could appear "in the right" and like i was wrong. Its very strange. i am actually really crushed right now because this is my MOH, my best friend since I was 5, our parents are best friends....we're currently roommates.

 

Like I said, very long convoluted story and I'm pretty sure I worked my way into a hole that I can't get out of. Part of me feels like I cannot sever the friendship, but at least I now know not to put things in writing, and also to take what she tells me with a grain of salt.

[Banana11]

I think not emailing her is a good solution to that part of your problem. Do you guys share email passwords with each other?

[~*Lisa*~]

I do know what you mean and why you did what you did. I did that ONCE in my life and it was with my ex. He was completely lying to me about hanging with my BF. Anyway, long story short, I just needed to know the truth and sure enough, there it was. They had been cheating (both of them were engaged to other people - WTF is wrong with them?) and that was the end of our relationship and my friendship with her. I do feel bad sometimes for doing what I did, but if I hadn't, I probably would have married the idiot!

 

Anyway, it sounds like she's doing nasty things. If it were me, I would just end the friendship. What kind of friend does something like that? She certainly doesn't have your best interest at heart, at that's what friends are supposed to do!!

 

Good luck with it all, it'll all work out in the end - it always does! *hugs*

[JOSIE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisaloo79 I do know what you mean and why you did what you did. I did that ONCE in my life and it was with my ex. He was completely lying to me about hanging with my BF. Anyway, long story short, I just needed to know the truth and sure enough, there it was. They had been cheating (both of them were engaged to other people - WTF is wrong with them?) and that was the end of our relationship and my friendship with her. I do feel bad sometimes for doing what I did, but if I hadn't, I probably would have married the idiot! Anyway, it sounds like she's doing nasty things. If it were me, I would just end the friendship. What kind of friend does something like that? She certainly doesn't have your best interest at heart, at that's what friends are supposed to do!! Good luck with it all, it'll all work out in the end - it always does! *hugs*

That is horrible!!!! I'm glad you found true love Thanks for the advice!

[foxytv]

That's an exceptionally tough call, Josie, especially since you are roommates and your families are friends.

 

However, you need to remember that you have a wedding coming up and do you really want this "friend" standing up for you as your MOH if she is not honest with you (and with others) about things you guys have said/done/whatever?

 

The first step might be figuring out how to NOT have her as your MOH, unless you are still comfortable with her in that role.

 

Under different circumstances I would simply cut off all contact and end the friendship, but under the circumstances I realize that isn't exactly an option.

 

Can you talk to your Mom/Dad about the situation since the families are friends?

 

I went through something similar shortly before my wedding when a BM started talking about my DH and telling people she didn't know why I was marrying him (b/c she didn't like him and he knew it so didn't try to be nice to her anymore). I wish in hindsight I had not let her be a BM, but I did, and she continued the nasty talk even at our DW resort. I haven't spoken to her since the DW, and don't plan to. She now talks smack about *me* too, to mutual friends. Whatever.

 

I hope you can find a way to resolve this that suits you and your peace of mind.

 

Keep us posted, and good luck!

[JOSIE]

you girls are too sweet. thank u for understanding that i dont normally creep on people i just needed answers. What makes this situaiton SO bizzare is that she lies all the time (little white lies) to the point where even our circle of friends joke about it. She'll lie about completely irrelevant things like for instance her fiance was over and I asked him if there was any news on her job (it was up in the air) he told me this long story that was good news that she was keeping her job, but he said "dont tell her i told you, she'll want to tell you herself" so she came home and i was like "hey!! any word on the job" and her response was "nope, havent heard"

 

its SO strange. why would you not tell your best friend that awesome news??

 

my FI said to me "jos, you knew you were going to find lies, thats just how she is". And I did know that, I was just hoping to also get to the root of her feelings about these issues we were having since she has a hard time commnicating or ever expressing how she feels. i thought maybe if I knew her feelings I could easily resolve the issue at hand by kind of "asking the right questions" if you know what I mean.

 

well, then this other stuff was discovered. its all little but very hurtful and i guess I'm just lost.

[estella1007]

It would totally drive me crazy to not be able to call her out on it. Hmmm...since you guys are roommates, do you think it's possible that you can say that she must have forgotten to log off or something, and that when you went to use the computer the email was up? That way you have an excuse for reading it?