To all the mommys out there...Please help!

[estella1007]

I am at my wits end today. My son just turned 8 months old, and for the past few months separation anxiety has set in. It's bad. Like I can't even use the bathroom. If I am lucky enough to get a shower, I can barely wash the important parts before he is screaming again. I forgot what my hair looks like when it's not still wet and up in a clip. Or what I look like with makeup on and clothing other than sweatpants. I know he is teething, but it isn't that. I give him tylenol and that works for the pain part of it. It really is that he just wants to be held. He won't even sit and play with his toys while I sit next to him.I need to be actively playing with him for that to work. He HAS to be in my lap or being carried around. I have tried to just let him cry it out, but he will cry as long as I let him, to the point that he gets himself sick. If I pick him up, he stops that instant, and is all smiles. So thats how I know it's not teething pain. The worst part is that his father never has to deal with him like this. He isn't like that with daddy. He is a momma's boy to the fullest extent. If he is playing with daddy and I walk back in the room, the grabby hands go up and he starts crying for me. Has anyone else dealt with this? I have no idea what to do and it's starting to become so physically and emotionally exhausting. I try to explain this to my friends and they either think I'm exaggerating or that it's not that big of a deal. If I don't figure something out I am going to lose my mind!

[Jacilynda]

Oh girl you and I have so much of the same stuff going on!!! Caterina was just like this. I had a really hard time letting her cry too. I was so afraid if i just kept letting her cry or I punished her that she would hate me. Well good news, she doesn't! She is still a mommas girl to the extent. At first i just let her cry and thought she would get over it, but she would just keep crying and got sick a couple times. This really broke my heart. Finally one day I decided to put her down give her some stuff and go about my business cleaning, etc. She started crying, but I COMPLETELY ignored her. Didn't look at her, didn't acknowledge that she was crying and after a while she gave in and was kind of mad at me. I found that if i acted like there wasn't anything wrong she would get so upset she just stopped and tried to ignore me.

 

But, every child is sooo different. I at one point would kind of punish her for crying and put her to bed then she'd cry herself to sleep and then when she woke up she was just fine. all of this w/ her started around 6 months and now she's a VERY independent little girl and I love it! She is such a mamas girl but she really likes to play and do her own thing and I get so much more done.

 

Some people may think I'm a HORRIBLE mom for this, but Joe brought it up to our pediatrician and he told me that I HAD to do this or we'd have MANY issues when she hits 2. have you talked to your pediatrician about what they think to do? I will tell you that it really takes time, and maybe thats all he needs.

 

i would also include Caterina in cleaning, etc and still do. While I clean I give her cleaning wipes and she helps, she has her own vacuum to vacuum w/. For caterina she really needs a kid friendly environment. We always have BabyFirst TV playing, or kids music, and she's always included in every little thing from laundry to cleaning to eating w/ us, etc.

 

I used to put her in her highchair and eat and clean at the same time while she ate. Thats how I got my kitchen cleaned. A few times i moved her high chair to the living room and let her eat while watching Babyfirst TV to get the living room picked up.

 

I say talk to you pediatrician see what they say (especially since he's causing himself to get sick), and try some different methods. I have had to change up my daily schedule to get stuff done. I go to bed about a half hour after Caterina and get up early enough to get a shower dress myself, do my hair, put some makeup on and pick up the house and get some breakfast. I really struggled w/ that cause I'm a LATE LATE night person. But I feel sooooo much better when I'm all put together and the day feels much more productive! And if you don't already make one night every week, 2 weeks whatever you can do and have FI take him and you go out! Whether you go have dinner w/ yourself, the girls, the neighbor, whatever.... get some time to yourself cause you really need it!

 

Sorry if that was sooooo long and scattered!

[estella1007]

It's nice to hear that other people have to deal with it too. It can be so frustrating. I have already tried a few of the things you suggested. Like putting him in his highchair in the kitchen when I cook or clean. He still screams. I have cartoons on all day. Doesn't help. About the only thing that occasionally helps is bringing him out to the mall to walk around and get a change of scenery. That was my only saving grace. I am ready to go crazy now because that isn't working anymore. He wants to be held while there too. So I end up pushing the stroller with one hand and holding him in the other. Don't get me wrong, he has the occasional good day where he barely cries or fusses, and will play alone for a short while. But overall he wants to be attached to me 24-7. I feel like I am losing my identity as a person.

[Birdie07]

I pmed you.

[Christine]

7-10 months is their first stage of seperation anxiety, here is an article from Parenting Magazine (a couple of issues ago)

Separation Anxiety Age-by-Age - Parenting.com

 

As for taking a shower, I know its hard, some days its hard for me to get ready in the morning, my daughter is going through this as well. Remember that this too shall pass. Do your best to make sure he knows you love him and you are there for him, but as parents we have to be good examples and take care of ourselves too.

[Betsy]

Jacilynda great advice! Oh it is sooo good to know that we are not alone, isn't it!

[Jacilynda]

Oh bringing up the taking a shower! FSIL's sister has a chair that she puts in her shower to take a shower. She had a really hard time too so she would take this chair (FSIL just uses her bumbo) and puts her son in it and takes a shower just points the nozzle down so its only on her and he liked it. Of course you need a bigger shower.

 

When Caterina gets fussy I put her in the stoller and walk. Its great for me and for her. She loves to see the cars go by, trees, houses, etc. Then when we get home she is either sleeping or ready to do her own thing.

[estella1007]

Walks outside usually always work. He LOVES being outside. All I have to do is open the curtains and as soon as he sees the sunshine he lights up with the biggest smiles! It has been so rainy and crappy all month so I haven't been able to bring him for his walks. We do a 45 min walk before dinner when my FI gets home every day that it's nice out, and when it's rainy we go to the mall during the afternoon. Like I said, he still wants to be carried in my arms while we are there. I think my biggest problem is that we moved an hour away from our family and friends, and I don't know anyone in my area. If I found other kids for him to play with it would be a huge help. I am signing him up for daycare next week. He will be going 2 days a week at first. I'm hoping this helps the anxiety. Thanks for understanding and helping me feel like I'm not crazy.

[YoursTruly]

I found that music or running the vacuum and involving my son helpeed tremendously. IT was like trying to gradually change his focus from me to the music of choice or the task we were doing together. He still is very attached but you must before you leave him alone, especially if he is crying, hug him and sing to him and let him know you love him and time the length each time of his crying spells. It is very hard, but it will pass soon.

[Jessica]

Aww, I'm sorry! I had to go through this with Aiden as well. I admittedly didn't completely read all of Jacilynda's post but I sort of did the same thing in downplaying it.

 

When he would start crying I would give him a hug but then just say things like "Mommy's going to work now, I'll be back later today! Bye!!!!" and I'd wave bye to him. He doesn't understand it means to go to work or what later is, but the point was that I kept my tone of voice in the same manner I usually do as opposed to frustrated or upset or whatever. And I did this for whatever I was doing. If I wanted to take a shower I did, if I needed to go into another room without him I did. I just told him what I was doing and did it. Even if he continued to cry I wouldn't change my approach until I was done.

 

I know it's hard to find that balance between establishing the idea that you can't cater to him 24/7 but still retain that parent/child trust of being there for your child when it's needed. It's hard but hang in there! Eventually they will learn that you are coming back. It does take some time, but it does happen!