Is it selfish to elope without 11yr old son?

CaroleRN · February 7, 2012

I totally agree. I do not feel the kids need to be there. The ceremony is about the joining of husband and wife. The kids will come and go through the years to suit "their" needs. It is not selfish to live the life you want for yourself and to make the memories you and your future spouse need, want and deserve to have. The kids can and will possbily be a distraction- at ANY age. Let you're love shine as man and wife. Call me selfish- but also call me honest. I want my man to myself...just this one time. I don't want to be a Mom or Step-Mom, daughter, friend, sister... I want to be a woman and a bride to my husband. It is not wrong, if it feels right.

I also believe in family- and I love all the kids, my parents and my friends. I gove 100 percent to all my relationships. We are always together and are very close but I still believe the relationship between two people should be celebrated they way they see fit. Through age appropriate communication- I say be honest and be true to yourself. If you want to elope, do it. Maybe just maybe, one of the kids will want to do the same in the future- would you make them feel gultiy about it or would you celebrate them living their dream??

For all those who say they are hurt and unforgiving, I feel that is selfish because you are making the people you care about feel guilty because they did not cater to YOU on their special day.... stop stealing their dream! Their joy! Celebrate that love was found and a marriage was created!!

marilili · February 9, 2012

This was posted in 2009. I"m curios to find out how you dealt and what happened. It could be a learning experience for others.

Originally Posted by futurerana

Hi everyone, Please help me with your opinions. My fiance and I are planning on getting married in June. We booked the resort for the honeymoon in Jamaica and paid extra money to just get married there too. This is my dream type wedding except that I have a son.
I and my eleven year old son have been living with fiance for a year. He is pretty much his step dad already. His father passed away.
I just got so exited and booked the getting married part since we were already going to be there because son said he is okay with it and doesn't care about that type of thing. He will be staying with his cousins and grandmother which he is exited about., but now I am wondering if I should just forego "my dream" wedding and go to justice of the peace so my son can be there. He may not realize that he would want to be there and maybe it is a big deal for him to be a part of it. A large wedding is out of the question and him coming to Jamaica is out of the question too, none of my family can afford to go and be there.
I think I can still cancel the wedding part in jamaica and do the justice of the peace thing with him there. But I would be sad to miss out on getting married on the beach blah blah. And would hate to do that if he wouldn't even really care (but maybe he is just saying that) But of course my son comes first.
Has anyone done this without there children and has it affected them? Someone suggested like a day before we go of us three doing something special, and he could be included in that way. But would it be the same? Please help. If I am going to cancel it. I need to do it soon. Thanks so much.

J and G 2012 · February 9, 2012

I can speak to this as a child of parnets who eloped.

My dad remairried when I was about 12. I remember being very hurt that I was not included.

Being recently married away, I know that some ppl were disappointed that they could not attend (for financial or other reasons) but at least I gave them the opportunity.

I don't have the greatest relationship with my Dad (he didn't come to our wedding) but I think if he made more of an effort to include me in his life things might have been different.

To each their own, this is just my experience.

kellygrrrl · February 10, 2012

this is an old thread, but I wanted to put in my two cents. I agree with the more recent posters: a marriage is between a man and a woman. my FI has two children (who are 12 and 10), and we've known each other for about 2.5 years. at their age, weddings are what they see on TV. it's not about the union of their dad and new wife as much as it is eating and dancing. I had to ferret that one out of them when one almost collapsed in tears about not going to our wedding. we had previously been watching TLC's Four Weddings, and it was a few weeks after they'd attended a local wedding (which was a lavish, 300-person affair). the reason my FI's son wanted to go to our wedding was so he could dance, and I explained that there would be no dancing at our wedding, just a few boring grownups sitting at a table talking (which, of course, he hates).

my FI's kids are at the age where they want to brag to their friends at school about how their dad took them to Mexico, but I think they're too young to really be able to appreciate it - I mean, when was the first time you got a passport and traveled out of the country?! not to mention that my FI would be constantly running across the street to our hotel's sister resort (our resort is 16+) to visit his kids instead of spending time with the people who traveled such a long way to be with us (and get to know him, essentially). I didn't want his/our attention divided, nor did I want to spend another several thousand dollars on top of an already elaborate amount. besides all of that, his kids and I aren't really that close. we have been living together for over a year (he has 50/50 visitation), but it often takes stepfamilies a REALLY long time to bond (~6 years isn't uncommon). I discuss these doubts and insecurities with my FI, who is very patient and explained just the other night, "the kids know that you are here for me, and that's completely fine." I feel compelled to also say that the kids are treated well and respected - I'm not some evil, wicked stepmonster. I'm just someone who never envisioned having children, and I met a man who did, so rather than walk away I figured I'd work with the situation.

also, please know that the kids will not be excluded entirely. we are planning a nice, formal dinner with them and my grandparents (who are too elderly to travel), and we'll do a sand ceremony there with the man who is marrying us in Mexico. we'll all wear our wedding clothes and make it a really special occasion that includes them. at the end of the day, I think that's all that needs to be done.