My Mother Strikes Again

[SgtPepperette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steph158 I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time with your mom. I had a falling out with my dad when I graduated high school. My dad is a serial husband, he can't seem to be alone but the relationships never worked out and he dragged me though many relationships in my teen years. He recognized this finally and told me not to let him do it again. Then he met his current wife and I knew that she was wrong for him but I didn't say anything. It wasn't until she started a argument with me calling me horrible names that I told my dad what I thought and that if he couldn't stand up for me and tell her to stop that it was her or me. I am his only child and he chose her. I moved on and got married and had two children and didn't talk to him or see him for 5 years. Our family pushed for us to reconnect but we are both stuborn. When I was getting close to having my second child I decided that it was time to try and fix it because it wasn't fair to my children. We began talking but have never "talked" about what happened. He is still with her. I was right about her though, she took him away from my family and he never sees them and they all hate her for that. We have a very "distant" relationship now. He sees us a couple times a year and we talk on the phone occationally. I don't know if he will come to my wedding. I know he wants to but she doesn't. I know there are a lot of things he would do but isn't allowed to. My mom and I have been close for a long time, we hardly ever fight. But she has never had an active roll in my children's lives, she is a holiday grandma or should I say "nana" because she felt too young to be a grandma. She never watches my children not even for a couple hours, she doesn't call them or spend time with them but yet they love her to pieces whenever they see her. My ex-husband and I use to fight all the time about her (he hated her) and even though I was angry with her, she was still my mom, so we fought because he didn't understand. Well yesterday was my youngest child's birthday. He turned 6. And my ex's mom managed to call him but mine didn't, not even a card. So I sent her a message "reminding" her it was his birthday. She called feeling terrible but it was too late, after 8 years of build-up I very directly told her how I felt about her absence in my children's lives. She was crying blaming it on her health, and I felt bad, but at the same time relieved. I know nothing will change, she has always been selfish. But what am I going to do, she is my mom. I didn't mean to ramble on like that, my point was going to be that we all have issues with our parents and I hope you find solutions to yours. I know its especially difficult during this time of our lives with planning a wedding because we want them there and we want everything with them to be perfect or the way it was when we were younger or whatever... Good luck and I hope you can work things out. We are hear when you need to vent.

Im so sorry for what you have gone through. I can feel the pain through your post.

But I do have to disagree with you. I may be misreading your post so forgive me if Im wrong. And of course Im taking from my own experiences. Just because she is your mom doesnt mean you should have to live with the emotional pain. Its pretty crazy how many stories I hear about peoples relationships with their parents and how they just deal because thats their parent. These parents need to take responsiblity. We do everything we can to make ourselves heal, whether thats therapy, distance, or whatever. But why arent our parents being held accountable?

When you let your mom know how you felt, I know the relief your talking about. Ive had that so many times, but than was crushed when it was ignored. And I dont know the whole situation but if she is anything like my mother, the crying and chosing blame on something other than herself is being manipulative. You tell her the truth, and how it hurts you. But yet they dont change or make an effort to change. Why do us as children have to be the adult in these situations? Its simply not fair.

Im not saying everyone should disown their parent. But I do think we should stand up for ourselves, and for once take our happiness and our own mental well being in our own hands. Instead we put it on the back burner because our parents can not play the role a parent should play. I guess it just boils down to if we accept them for who they are or we dont. And if we do chose to accept it, than we have to be ready to handle all the pain and drama that comes with that.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh. The last 10 months of my life have been hell. Ive gone from planning my very exciting, happy wedding with family by my side....to trying to remain positive planning a wedding with no parents, and only 1 out of 3 sisters supporting me. So I can be a little bitter.