My Mother Strikes Again

[Jacqueline]

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Originally Posted by SgtPepperette I have been in counseling....and couldnt imagine how much harder it would be if I wasnt! Im wondering when Ill move past this very angry phase. Im still so angry with her, and her choices. My mom knows a little bit of how I feel but not as much as she should. Or should I say understand it as much as she should. We are pretty sure she has a mental illness (she refuses to see anyone, but my therapist says it sounds like she may have multiple personality disorder) due to her upbringing and past. Its hard to talk to her and get through to her sometimes. She twists everything around. Very one sided and always about her. Everyone is always out to get her. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she refuses. She says that family problems stay within the family and we are not going to a stranger to talk about them. I also think this is partly due to her upbringing. Honestly, I dont see her in my life at all. As sad as that is. I wonder if Ill feel different once I start having kids though. We have had a long history of situations like this. My dad was our buffer, and now that hes not there well we cant make things work. I think Im also to fragile right now to be in the mindframe I need to be with to deal with her. Ive gone through many years of therapy learning how to set boundaries with her, and handle her ridlicious reactions to things. But right now I cant muster the energy for it. On a more positive note, I LOVE THE BEATLES! Actually last year my FI and I bought a mini cooper, he is white with black racing stripes. We named him sgtpepper Hes coming to the wedding to lol

well at least you have attempted to go to counselling with her, you can never say you didnt try. at this point def continuing going for you though. perhaps in time you can learn how to "deal" with her when she calls out of no where like that, and acts out the way shes been, etc. you should mention this to your therapist and she what they suggest you do. if your mom is sick like they think, that is terrible too b/c its basically beating a dead horse, b/c she wont get the help. it can be exhausting for you. you cant let her stubbornness or just her not knowing the way she is bring you down. ecsp now. you said you have come so far with the grieving process so continue to do that and dont let her interrupt that, b/c it soo important. you have a wedding coming up, and lots of other things you will be going through emotionally. i dont want to say "f her" b/c its your mom and i think you must have love for her, but def worry about yourself right now, and not her. this is prob hard too for your fi.... does he say much about it?

YAY i like the beatles too. my bro was always a huge fan so thats how i first heard them. hey, and nothing heals the heart like some good music, the beatles are DEF good for that!!!!!

[RoryS]

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Originally Posted by SgtPepperette He passed on May 13th. So not even a year yet. And I understand that she will move on. But the way she handled the whole thing was just out of line. She was forcing him on me so soon, and than punishing me in a way because I didnt accept it. And than prancing around telling everyone in the world about how she found the man of her dreams and hes going to take care of her. It was really hurtful. They could of dated a while longer. They could of tried to be friends for awhile. Her new husband could of tried to get to know me instead of hiding behind her. He has two kids, one my age as well. His wife passed away a month after my dad. His son my age is reacting the same way I am. Her personality is hard to judge. I dont think she ever grieved. She got rid of everything and moved on so fast. I dont know if she will ever need to grieve as odd as that sounds. She comes off like she is the happiest she has ever been, she tells my sisters that all the time.

It doesn't sound as if your relationship with your Mom was that close, even when your Dad was alive, so it's hard for her to expect that things will be different now. You will be making a new family now and need to focus your energy and positive thoughts on that. Your Mom has chosen the path that she wants to take and hopefully, she'll find her own happiness. I understand what you mean about her shoving it down your throat, though. She probably knew that it wouldn't go over very well, so by pushing the situation on you; she's hoping you'll just eventually accept it - when all she is really doing is pushing you further away. She probably called you at work to tell you about your Aunt because she knew you would be in a "public" place and not able to react the way that you typically would if you were in a more private setting. Just another way of controlling behavior. I hope that at some time in the future you and she can have a relationship, but it will need to be in your own time and on your own terms. Don't let her "bully" you into anything you are not comfortable with.

[DanielleNDerek]

Melissa so his wife died right before they started dating. Its really sad that you are hurting and so is his son, you would think they would learn to be there for you guys a little better. Take care of yourself and dont let your mom get you down.

[SgtPepperette]

His wife was sick with lung cancer I believe. And we saw them bring her home to pass roughly a few weeks before my dad passed. They lived across the street. My parents never knew him before that. Never introduced themselves or anything. Well a month after my dad passed, we saw them bringing her body out of the house and all the medical equipment. So apparently my mom took that chance to go over and introduce herself and express her sympathy.

 

Over the next month all I heard about was about this guy, and how they are helping each other through this hard time on both of them. Than she brought him to one of my fundraisers, and I could tell they were more than friends although they tried to hide it.

 

Than the next month she broke the news to me that he was going to take care of her.

[KatyKo]

I'm not going to say that I know how you feel, because I don't - but I think my Mom would actually have a connection with you because she went through something similar. My Mom's Mother (my grandmother) passed away in 1990, when she was barely 50 years old. My grandfather was set up on a blind date within the next couple of months and married this woman - crushing my Mom. I was very young, but still remember how hurt my Mom was...and still is. We are "close" with this woman that he married now (even though they moved away shortly after getting married) and I now believe that she is great to be in his life - but it kills me every time I see how much it still affects my Mom that he "moved on" so quickly after my grandmother's death. Technically my Mom lost both of her parents at that time, because he moved 5 hours away and has distanced himself from the family (not calling her on her birthday, or sometimes never calling at all).

 

I do agree, that time does heal...but she needs to understand that this situation - your father's death and the new husband - affect you just about as much as they affect her. I hope that one day she realizes how this has hurt you and will reconcile with you, but if she only hurts you right now, I would make sure that you are happy and not worry about anything else.

 

Good luck with everything!

[Hartyt509]

FI's mother did EXACTLY the same thing - she even moved the bugger in! and they got married last year hence why I can't stand the sight of her. FI was really hurt but unfortunately didn't cut her off!

 

She's coming to the wedding and i'm dreading it

 

I know you don't think you are strong but you are - you made the break once this time it will be easier. Be honest and tell her to stay away

[GracieBebe]

I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but was you father sick for a while? Sometimes, when a spouse knows that the other is terminal, they start to go through the grieving process well before the other spouse has passed away, and by the time they do pass away, the surviving spouse is ready to move on much quicker. I have heard that this is often a common thing that happens through long illnesses and that many times, the children of the deceased parent are only initially starting their grief when their parent passes away while the surviving spouse has finished their grief because they already went through it during the illness. I know this doesn't help much, but I hope it provides some insight.

[~Stephanie~]

I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time with your mom. I had a falling out with my dad when I graduated high school. My dad is a serial husband, he can't seem to be alone but the relationships never worked out and he dragged me though many relationships in my teen years. He recognized this finally and told me not to let him do it again. Then he met his current wife and I knew that she was wrong for him but I didn't say anything. It wasn't until she started a argument with me calling me horrible names that I told my dad what I thought and that if he couldn't stand up for me and tell her to stop that it was her or me. I am his only child and he chose her. I moved on and got married and had two children and didn't talk to him or see him for 5 years. Our family pushed for us to reconnect but we are both stuborn. When I was getting close to having my second child I decided that it was time to try and fix it because it wasn't fair to my children. We began talking but have never "talked" about what happened. He is still with her. I was right about her though, she took him away from my family and he never sees them and they all hate her for that. We have a very "distant" relationship now. He sees us a couple times a year and we talk on the phone occationally. I don't know if he will come to my wedding. I know he wants to but she doesn't. I know there are a lot of things he would do but isn't allowed to.

 

My mom and I have been close for a long time, we hardly ever fight. But she has never had an active roll in my children's lives, she is a holiday grandma or should I say "nana" because she felt too young to be a grandma. She never watches my children not even for a couple hours, she doesn't call them or spend time with them but yet they love her to pieces whenever they see her. My ex-husband and I use to fight all the time about her (he hated her) and even though I was angry with her, she was still my mom, so we fought because he didn't understand.

 

Well yesterday was my youngest child's birthday. He turned 6. And my ex's mom managed to call him but mine didn't, not even a card. So I sent her a message "reminding" her it was his birthday. She called feeling terrible but it was too late, after 8 years of build-up I very directly told her how I felt about her absence in my children's lives. She was crying blaming it on her health, and I felt bad, but at the same time relieved. I know nothing will change, she has always been selfish. But what am I going to do, she is my mom.

 

I didn't mean to ramble on like that, my point was going to be that we all have issues with our parents and I hope you find solutions to yours. I know its especially difficult during this time of our lives with planning a wedding because we want them there and we want everything with them to be perfect or the way it was when we were younger or whatever...

 

Good luck and I hope you can work things out. We are hear when you need to vent.

[SgtPepperette]

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Originally Posted by GracieBebe I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but was you father sick for a while? Sometimes, when a spouse knows that the other is terminal, they start to go through the grieving process well before the other spouse has passed away, and by the time they do pass away, the surviving spouse is ready to move on much quicker. I have heard that this is often a common thing that happens through long illnesses and that many times, the children of the deceased parent are only initially starting their grief when their parent passes away while the surviving spouse has finished their grief because they already went through it during the illness. I know this doesn't help much, but I hope it provides some insight.

That may be the case with her new husband, since his wife died of a long battle of lung cancer but not with my dad. My dad died of a sudden massive heart attack. The day before was Mothers Day, and the entire family had brunch together. He was laughing and having a great time. Later that evening he went to a dinner dance impersonator show with my mother and friends and he was dancing and singing and having a good time. No signs of any discomfort. He was a night owl and was watching tv later that night, and in the middle of the night he got up to go get a cup of coffee and when he got back to bed it hit. He fell face down in the doorway. The thump of him hitting the floor is what woke my mother up. He was gone by the time she got to him.

[SgtPepperette]

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Originally Posted by GracieBebe I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but was you father sick for a while? Sometimes, when a spouse knows that the other is terminal, they start to go through the grieving process well before the other spouse has passed away, and by the time they do pass away, the surviving spouse is ready to move on much quicker. I have heard that this is often a common thing that happens through long illnesses and that many times, the children of the deceased parent are only initially starting their grief when their parent passes away while the surviving spouse has finished their grief because they already went through it during the illness. I know this doesn't help much, but I hope it provides some insight.

I hope this doesnt come off bitchy or rude. But as I thought about this on my way to work a few thoughts came to mind that I feel the need to say.

Even if that was the case, and my dad was sick and my mother had grieved for sometime, what does that say about my mother acting the way she is. I completely get the whole we all move on, we cant wallow in our sorrows for ever, etc. But isnt a mother suppose to care for their daughter no matter what age she is? Shouldnt she help her through difficult times like the passing of their father? My mother has lost both of her parents, not suddenly like I did, from long illnesses. She knows the pain it is to lose a parent, so why would she want to do anything BUT be there for her daugther. Why would she chose this time to be so selfish? Why wouldnt she allow her daugther to heal a bit first? I know if that was my daugther I would want to help her through such a difficult thing. Instead my mother pushed this man in my life, pretty much forcing me to accept him. She was engaged to this man within 3 months of my dads passing, within 2 months of meeting this man. She introduced me to him in August, than in September tried to bring him to an event that I participate in to honor my dad,(a cancer walk, he was a 10 year survivor) where she was going to break the news that they were engaged. When I asked her not to bring him she refuses to come acting very childish. Shouldnt at some point in that time she should of thought, this probably isnt the best time for my daughter? She is having such a hard time, and Im not making things any easier. I should let them get to know each other and slowly introduce him into her life.

I know she probably was in some sort of survival mode (shes never been alone, doesnt work, etc) but still at some point I would like to think she thought, how does this make Melissa feel?

I know theres a lot of history that I didnt mention that of course Im thinking of that no one in here knows. So obviously Im pretty emotional about this. Also, I dont have kids so its hard to say what I would and wouldnt do, but hypothetically I wouldnt of chose what she did.