My Mother Strikes Again

[SgtPepperette]

I cant believe her and I need to get this out so I can release the stress and get through my work day.

 

My dad passed away last May, and since than my mother and I have cut ties. For now at least. She has done some pretty awful things since his passing, and it was literally robbing me from greiving and healing. I cant believe anyone would treat or put their daugther through some of the things she did.

 

One of the big thigns was that she found someone 2 months after my dad passed. They are actually get married next weekend, and were engaged by last August. Met in July.

 

Yeah.

 

Anyways, so in September we had a blowout where finally I said enough was enough and cut off communication. She wanted to bring this new man to an event I participate in every year honoring my dad. When I asked her not to bring him, she refused to come. The next day I received a letter from her letting me know she was engaged.

 

Life has been gonig better since Ive stopped communication. Ive been able to greive, heal, and actually be happy again. But every other month she will find a way to find her way back in although we arent speaking.

 

Her wedding invitation was one. And today was another. I got a call from her at work, and when I picked up the phone and saw the caller id (it comes up after you pick up the phone), I said crap. I should hang up. She called to let me know my aunt passed. My aunt has been sick for a long time, she has had aids for the last 20 years. Our family pretty much disowned her years ago so the landlord had to let them know she was in the hospital with anomunia (sp?). She didnt make it. So my mom wanted to let me know. And than says, how have you been? I said good. And she says Im doing great in case your wondering. I said, ok. She than says, Ill call you later with the arrangements. I told her that wasnt neccessary. Ill call the family for the address, but I wouldnt be able to attend. Its in Toronto. She said well Ill call you and give them to you. I love you. I sat there. She repeated and I said I love you to. She said good. And I said bye and hung up.

 

She couldnt wait till I wasnt at work to give me that news? Seriously? She found out last night about it, and waits to call me at work to tell me? Than busts in, Im doing great by the way.

 

This is her in. Her way to sneak back in. I dont want a relationship with her. Im not ready to handle her.

 

I hate that Im in such a difficult situation with her. Im always second guessing myself, and going through whirlwind of emotions. But she is doing great, so thats all that matters.

 

argh.

[~*Kathy*~]

Wow, sorry to hear about your situation with your mom. I know how you feel, I cut all ties with my biological father almost ten years ago. I don't want a relationship with him, so I don't have one and I never feel like I'm obligated to. I don't know if you want to cut ties with her forever or just until you feel like you are ready again. That's ultimately your choice but if you don't want her bothering you at work or at home, would it be possible for you to get a new number or extension for your work phone line?

 

I have cut my dad out of my life. He knows nothing about me, not where I live, work, phone number, he doesn't know that I'm married...nothing. But that's how I want it.

 

Anyway, I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your aunt and I agree that your mom could have been more considerate and called you at another time but then again, she sounds a bit self-centered, so I guess that's why she chose the most inconvenient time to tell you...because she didn't consider your feelings at all. I hope that things get better for you and that you can move past it. If someone in your life (no matter who) is making you unhappy, why deal with them? You've done all that you can. Live your life for you. Good luck hun!

[big3n09]

Not sure if you pray or who you pray to but it's definatly something I would pray about. Time heals things and with time hopefully you will heal and things will get better. Sorry your having to deal with this at a time in you life when you want to be just happy.

[tylersgirl]

I am so sorry Melissa. You don't deserve to be treated like that! She sounds very selfish and I don't blame you for taking time off from her. All I can say is stay strong and I hope that one day she will realize that she needs to choose her children over her new husband =) *Hugs*

[LadyP]

i'm sorry that you are going through this and I hope you can find the inner peace you seek

[Jacqueline]

aw im so sorry to hear this, i hope things get better! it doesnt seem like you're ready for her to be back in your life so i'd def not force that. that can only happen when you forgive her for what shes done. have you ever gone to counselling or considered it, for yourself. it might be good just to talk to someone on the outside, and help get your feeling toward her dealt with...it seems like a lot is bottled up. does she know your thoughts on all what you mentioned above? would you consider going to counseling WITH her? or are you thinking you dont ever want to work it out with her?

 

btw- i have to say i love your name, "sgtpepperette", its cute;o) are u a beatles fan or is that just a name & nothing to do with beatles?

[DanielleNDerek]

I'm sorry about your mom. If my dad died and my mom found someone in 2weeks i would be really hurt too. Has your dad even been dead for a year yet? She should know that you need some space and time to heal from your dad's death. She shouldnt expect you to be okay with her new relationship when your not ready to be. Has your mom's personality changed since your dad died?

[Dana_C]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Melissa- it can be awfully tricky to cut ties with someone who has been in your life from the beginning, and it sounds like she's using family matters as an excuse to contact you even though she knows that's not what you want. I wouldn't doubt your decision to cut her off for now because it is important that you let yourself heal, and maybe something has to change if she's still contacting you and hurting you when you've made it clear that you don't want to deal with her right now.

 

I hope you figure out what you want to do- we're if you want to vent more!

[SgtPepperette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jacqueline aw im so sorry to hear this, i hope things get better! it doesnt seem like you're ready for her to be back in your life so i'd def not force that. that can only happen when you forgive her for what shes done. have you ever gone to counselling or considered it, for yourself. it might be good just to talk to someone on the outside, and help get your feeling toward her dealt with...it seems like a lot is bottled up. does she know your thoughts on all what you mentioned above? would you consider going to counseling WITH her? or are you thinking you dont ever want to work it out with her? btw- i have to say i love your name, "sgtpepperette", its cute;o) are u a beatles fan or is that just a name & nothing to do with beatles?

I have been in counseling....and couldnt imagine how much harder it would be if I wasnt!

Im wondering when Ill move past this very angry phase. Im still so angry with her, and her choices. My mom knows a little bit of how I feel but not as much as she should. Or should I say understand it as much as she should. We are pretty sure she has a mental illness (she refuses to see anyone, but my therapist says it sounds like she may have multiple personality disorder) due to her upbringing and past. Its hard to talk to her and get through to her sometimes. She twists everything around. Very one sided and always about her. Everyone is always out to get her. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she refuses. She says that family problems stay within the family and we are not going to a stranger to talk about them. I also think this is partly due to her upbringing. Honestly, I dont see her in my life at all. As sad as that is. I wonder if Ill feel different once I start having kids though.

We have had a long history of situations like this. My dad was our buffer, and now that hes not there well we cant make things work. I think Im also to fragile right now to be in the mindframe I need to be with to deal with her. Ive gone through many years of therapy learning how to set boundaries with her, and handle her ridlicious reactions to things. But right now I cant muster the energy for it.

On a more positive note, I LOVE THE BEATLES! Actually last year my FI and I bought a mini cooper, he is white with black racing stripes. We named him sgtpepper Hes coming to the wedding to lol

[SgtPepperette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek I'm sorry about your mom. If my dad died and my mom found someone in 2weeks i would be really hurt too. Has your dad even been dead for a year yet? She should know that you need some space and time to heal from your dad's death. She shouldnt expect you to be okay with her new relationship when your not ready to be. Has your mom's personality changed since your dad died?

He passed on May 13th. So not even a year yet. And I understand that she will move on. But the way she handled the whole thing was just out of line. She was forcing him on me so soon, and than punishing me in a way because I didnt accept it. And than prancing around telling everyone in the world about how she found the man of her dreams and hes going to take care of her. It was really hurtful. They could of dated a while longer. They could of tried to be friends for awhile. Her new husband could of tried to get to know me instead of hiding behind her. He has two kids, one my age as well. His wife passed away a month after my dad. His son my age is reacting the same way I am.

Her personality is hard to judge. I dont think she ever grieved. She got rid of everything and moved on so fast. I dont know if she will ever need to grieve as odd as that sounds. She comes off like she is the happiest she has ever been, she tells my sisters that all the time.