Need advice on invitation situation

Cotton114 · March 10, 2009

We are having our DW in Hawaii in August '09, and our AHR on New Years Eve. Seems simple enough, but here is the twist. We were all set to get married in August '08-- invited 350+, had 200+ coming-- when we had a situation arise (FI's illness) that made us postpone our wedding 4 days before it was set to happen. This was extremely tragic....and although we've recovered (both physically, mentally, and emotionally), our idea of what we want for our wedding is drastically different than it was a year ago. We are not inviting many people to our DW- just immediate family and a few friends each (total of about 15 people). As for our AHR, we don't want to invite all of the guests from '08-- its just too many people. We have scaled down our list to about 125 people, which obviously is leaving many people out that were on our original list. So this is what I'm thinking of doing: 1) all of the people coming to the DW are already aware of all plans, etc, so we've just been emailing about that (no formal invitations to go out). 2) sending a combination announcement/AHR invite to those we want to invite to our AHR, and 3) sending just an announcement to those we dont want to invite the 2nd time around. I'm sure etiquette would say this is a no-no.... I'm just not sure what else to do. Its a special situation that, honestly, I never thought I'd be in. I want to include something in the announcement (to those not invited to the AHR) thanking them for their continued support during this difficult time for us, and for their understanding about not being included....or something like that. I'm just not sure how to proceed from here. I'd appreciate any comments, feedback, advice.... Thanks so much!

Rebecca

Sapphire723 · March 10, 2009

Wow, this is a tough situation. I'm glad to hear that your FI is better.

Unfortunately, there is no good way to leave people off the guest list the second time around. No matter what you do it will come across as "I no longer like you enough to want you at my wedding." People may even feel that they've done something wrong to you in the past year.

The good thing is that as you have changed in the past year, so have your relationships. People you aren't very close with may not even remember that you postponed your wedding. Or it might slip their mind that they were invited to the first wedding planned. By sending an announcement, you'll definitely remind them and it will be very much brought to their attention that they weren't invited to your AHR.

One possibility is that you could invite more people to your DW banking on the fact that money is tight for most people so many of them will be unable to attend. Or, you could send a post-wedding announcement or letter stating that you more or less eloped at your DW. This way people won't feel as if you've singled them out to be dropped from the list. It reads more like you left everyone out instead of just cutting the people you don't like anymore. The danger with this, is that if people who were invited to your AHR know people who are no longer invited, word may get out anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide and remember that it's still your choice who gets to attend your wedding. If you don't want someone there, no amount of etiquette or niceties should force you to have them there.

merocket59 · March 10, 2009

I think that you should send an announcement focusing on the fact that you had an intimate DW which was a wonderful way to celebrate the difficult year you had, thank them for their support over the year and say you regret that you were not able to have the wedding last year but are glad that things are going well (I'm just assuming this from your message) and that you could celebrate your marriage in a more intimate fashion. You don't have to mention the AHR because you are not announcing the fact that you are having an AHR and they aren't invited you are announcing that you got married. Plus I'm going to assume that if your FI had an illness that there were medical bills involved and that you don't have the budget to invite as many guests again, which I'm sure the guests could assume as well and if they aren't your BFF getting cut off the list but more of acquaintances then they would be understanding.