Bridesmaids blues....I think I might do without them

[cantwait2718]

I think if they r really your best friends and it is important to u that they are staanding next to u, u should have 1 on 1 talks with them and find out what the issues r. If u get them in a group they may be defensive or not tel lu the truth. If u still don't get an acceptable answer u should drop them and move on. This day is about u and FI and that is what u should focus on. Good luck and hugs to u. hope it all work out the way u want it to.

[boven]

Oh no, that stinks. I'm sorry that your friends are behaving so poorly and making you feel bad about what should be a very happy time for you and your FI. It's true that weddings can bring out the worst in people but I hope they will be able to get over their issues and support you in an appropriate way.

 

I think it's absolutely acceptable to have different size bridal party. There is no need to have folks standing beside you that give off bad energy and are acting in a selfish manner. And don't worry about a bachlorette party, your friends/family will get it together and hook you up.

[Andi]

I think you need to do what is right for you, whatever that may be...

 

we are not having a wedding party at all (just a flowergirl and ringbearer if that counts). we decided on this from the beginning....one reason is I did not want the drama that appears to come with wedding parties, the other reason is, as my FI put it "what difference does it make if our friends are standing up or sitting down?"

 

Occasionally I will have small regrets, like I won't have the cool wedding party pics...but then that feeling passes because this is how I want my wedding!

 

So you should do whatever it is that feels right to you!

[LIW]

Quote:

Originally Posted by waliandayanna Quick background info: I was expecting about 65 guests. It looks like I may have about 30-35. I have 2 MOHs 4 BMs and 2 Junior BMS (my little sisters), so already there are alot of girls in the party. Here are the problems: 1. My 2 Moh's/best friends since 7th grade are acting like a$$holes! They haven't paid ANYTHING towards the wedding deposit, which is DUE March 1 and I gave them 2 years to plan. Funny thing is they were the ones that were the most excited when I got engaged and encouraged us to have a destination wedding. Now, they keep saying the economy has them strapped, but its complete bull because they are actually making MORE money than they were before the economic downturn and nothing has affected them personally (i.e. foreclosure, job loss, etc.) They don't want to go to try on BM dresses. They always complain about the fact that they don't have a man, which is annoying, like I should guilty because I do have one and I don't rub it in, believe me. Just recently, one of my MOHs told me that she would be fine just sitting in the audience! Well, gee thanks! 2. 2 of my other BMs have also expressed that they don't care one way or the other if they are in the wedding. The other one, I don't barely even talk to. Here are my questions 1. Should I just drop the whole bridal party idea? I don't want to have people by my side that don't care to be there. I haven't done anything wrong, except find a man that loves me and it seems like they can't be happy for me. Instead, they just bitch and complain about their situation and how they can't find a man and they are never getting married and blah, blah, blah. I have been a good friend and I am not pushy at all when it comes to the wedding. I tried to make sure that the dresses I chose were dresses that were affordable and can be worn again. I told them not to worry about a big lavish bach. party, because I did not want them to spend more money than they already will to come to Jamaica for the wedding. I don't even talk about my relationship with my FI because I know that they are so fixated on the fact that they don't have a man than I don't want to make them feel worse by telling them how happy I am. It's all stupid and trivial, I know, but its the way it is. I thought these were my girls, but it seems like they just aren't the least bit enthused about being in the wedding or even attending the wedding. 2. Is anyone not having any bms? What do you do instead? 3. If you have no BMs, who throws your bach party. Do they still do it? Do you do it yourself? So confused and sad

Big Hugs to you.

I feel your pain. I'm having similar issues with my MOH and best friend. I was here MOH in her wedding this past September, and I asked her to be mine. She was all excited when FH and I told her we were having a destination wedding and was pumped to go.

FH and I did become engaged while she was in the thick of planning her one wedding, and while I did sometimes bring up mine, I pretty much tried to keep my mouth shut, because she was trying to enjoy her planning process and I wanted her to have her moment. Now it's my turn, she's completely uninterested. She never asks how the planning process is going and when I bring it up she doesn't care. I've had one day where I had the opportunit to plann wedding things with her, yet I HAD to devote an entire year of my life to listen to her planning process.

My dress came in last week ( ) and I told her today that I was going for my first fitting, I barely got a reaction out her.

Sorry, I've rambled and I don't have much advice, other than to keep doing your thing. If those that you've asked to stand beside you on what will be one of the happiest days of your life, don't care, then don't worry about them.

I've decided that I'm not going to push my to be interested. If she doesn't want to make the effort, then I can't make her. If she doesn't want to be my MOH then she won't. I won't have anyone stand.

[julesDW2009]

OK i had just typed up a LOOOONG response to this and then lost it somehow! Boo to that! Waliandayanna I am very sorry to hear you are going through this. I can imagine how frustrating it is. I have what i call a Deadbeat Bridesmaid, who is not coming to the wedding, not attending any showers or my bachelorette and has not called to ask me about anything or be involved or offer help. Its unfortuante and it consumed me for a long time.

BUT I agree with Yari, that sometimes i can be consumed with my wedding, and I am doing everything in my power to understand that other people do have lives, and not everyone is as consumed 24/7 with wedding as I am!

At the same time, I made a decision to talk to my deadbeat bridesmaid, and then leave the rest up to her. We had a very civil chat, and then that was it. I am now leaving the ball in her court. I am refusing to let the negative energy effect my excitment for the big day, or the big day and AHR. IT will be her actions now that will determine how our friendship will be AFTER the wedding, but I am not going to let her negativity affect the wedding.

I have decided to let her remain in the wedding party, because i think that by removing her at this point, that I will feel some guilt or bad feelings and i don't want any of that around my wedding. Or my life. It isn't fair that her actions have put me in this position, but I have do what is best for me. And so do you! I would suggest you speak to the BM's individually. And in person. Email can always be construed as having tone, which never helps a situation. Talk to them in a calm non-accusatory manor and hopefully their reactions WILL surprise you. But then make a decision based on a civil, kind conversation and their reactions to it. If they don't want to make the situation better, I would kindly ask them to attend as guests, so that you don't have to worry about them putting a damper on your day.

I really hope that this gets better for you and I hope that they remain as BM's and stop being so deadbeat! I feel for you!

All the best....

[BeautifulBridetoBe]

Weddings are hard on our single girlfriends...we have to remember that.

 

I did not entertain this idea of BMs for this EXACT reason. Weddings seem to surface everyone's issues, wishes, wants and needs. Why is that? Then as the bride, we are left in tears. We cannot endure this any longer.

 

Let us all band together in agreement - on our wedding days, we need and deserve to be surrounded by those who love and support us most. If anything compromises/ jeopardizes that, it should not be included in our day or minimally incorporated.

 

As I have been thinking of my wedding journey, I cannot say it has been the most happy time of my life because the expecations of others have made it more stressful. The other day, I was upset and I thought, you know what? These are not the memories I want to have of my wedding - stress and anger and sadness and dissension and such because of other people. So I made up my mind to enjoy this process, but my enjoyment comes at a price....

 

I have to let go of those who are making this a hard time for me by letting go of their wants and wishes and expectations, so that mine are heard and my heart is not heavy. I want to make it to my wedding a blushing bride...not a bruised one.

 

So my advice is this...we have to let go of those who are making us miserable and ruining our memories of this amazing time in our lives. Letting go does not mean getting rid of, but releasing them of our expectations. We expect them to be happy for us and treat us with the love and respect that we deserve. We are right not wrong to expect this. But maybe they cannot give it to us right now because they are thinking of themselves.

 

Maybe these are not the best people to be your bridesmaids...and that's OK. They are in a place where they are thinking of themselves and what they don't have. I don't think that makes them bad people, I just think that makes them unable to be what you need right now. Let them be guests. They will be happier that way and as you stand beside the your new husband at the altar, you will be surrounded by his love....and not their sadness/ anger about not having found a love...yet.

 

Weddings are hard on our single girlfriends....we have to remember that.

 

I am having an all-child wedding party of little people who think I am the best aunt in the whole world! So much so, that my 10 year old nephew asked if he could give me away I cannot ask for more love than that.

[krazyk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeautifulBridetoBe Weddings are hard on our single girlfriends...we have to remember that. I did not entertain this idea of BMs for this EXACT reason. Weddings seem to surface everyone's issues, wishes, wants and needs. Why is that? Then as the bride, we are left in tears. We cannot endure this any longer. Let us all band together in agreement - on our wedding days, we need and deserve to be surrounded by those who love and support us most. If anything compromises/ jeopardizes that, it should not be included in our day or minimally incorporated. As I have been thinking of my wedding journey, I cannot say it has been the most happy time of my life because the expecations of others have made it more stressful. The other day, I was upset and I thought, you know what? These are not the memories I want to have of my wedding - stress and anger and sadness and dissension and such because of other people. So I made up my mind to enjoy this process, but my enjoyment comes at a price.... I have to let go of those who are making this a hard time for me by letting go of their wants and wishes and expectations, so that mine are heard and my heart is not heavy. I want to make it to my wedding a blushing bride...not a bruised one. So my advice is this...we have to let go of those who are making us miserable and ruining our memories of this amazing time in our lives. Letting go does not mean getting rid of, but releasing them of our expectations. We expect them to be happy for us and treat us with the love and respect that we deserve. We are right not wrong to expect this. But maybe they cannot give it to us right now because they are thinking of themselves. Maybe these are not the best people to be your bridesmaids...and that's OK. They are in a place where they are thinking of themselves and what they don't have. I don't think that makes them bad people, I just think that makes them unable to be what you need right now. Let them be guests. They will be happier that way and as you stand beside the your new husband at the altar, you will be surrounded by his love....and not their sadness/ anger about not having found a love...yet. Weddings are hard on our single girlfriends....we have to remember that. I am having an all-child wedding party of little people who think I am the best aunt in the whole world! So much so, that my 10 year old nephew asked if he could give me away I cannot ask for more love than that.

Well said!!!!