Blended families? Anyone?

[WAJA2009]

My fiance has a five (soon to be six year old). I love her. I'm afraid that she does not want her father and I to get married. She lives with her mother and is obviously close to her mother, who does not really like me because she still likes fiance (at least last time I checked). Lately, my future stepdaughter has been extremely rude and disobedient. I know she is probably confused since her mother just ended her relationship with her fiance and her fiance had children that my future stepdaughter was very close to (long story). Thus, I am very patient with her and I try not to take her disrespect personally. However, I can't help the apprehension I feel about how she feels about her dad and I.

 

My Fiance recently told me that she draws pics of him and her mom together (which is natural) and everytime I ask her if she is excited about going to Jamaica (or DW location) she says "no, I'm not going".

 

Anyone else dealing with something like this?

 

I just wanted to vent. Just nervous.

[Kat81]

I am sorry you are going through all that. I am sure that hurts that she isn't excited about it. It is something she will get use to though. Does your FI ever talk to her about it?

[Chiquita]

That was my question.. does your FI ever talk to her about this? What a tough situation to be in.. I'm so sorry.

[WAJA2009]

He tries to but she never really says anything to him when he talks to her. I don't think he's ever really broken it down about why he and her mother are not together.

 

She doesn't even call me anything, she won't say my name. If she wants something, she just yells. (for example she'll yell "Can you help me?" or "Somebody come here") I told her that its disrespectful and tried to come up with cute nicknames that she can call me, but she won't budge. Trust me I am very compassionate and patient with her, and for a while we've had a pretty good relationship. I just don't know how to cope with her behavior now.

 

He says that her mother has talked to her too. To what extent, I don't know. From what I understand, her mother always tells her to respect me and she doesn't say anything negative about me (not sure if I totally believe that).

 

I'm sure she'll be okay eventually...or at least I hope...

[Kat81]

I'm sure she will come around. You might have to set a limit with her, if she knows it bothers you she will keep doing it. And maybe he needs to actually tell her that he loves you and that wont ever replace how much he loves her it will only make it better because you make him soooo happy and that should make her happy too. She will come around just take some deep long sighs. Maybe you can all three do some fun things together and make her think it is your idea. She might be intimidated of you because that is "her Daddy" ya know?

[deefalvey]

Are you guys including her in the wedding? My fiance has 2 boys (8 and almost 11, they were 2 and 5 when we started dating) and while they have never been apprehensive about me or me marrying their dad, they do have a mother who is negative about me and this wedding. When they came back from the first weekend of being at their mom's after we got engaged, the were kind of distant and we could tell she must have said something. We are including the boys in the wedding. The older one is serving as the "junior" best man and the younger one is the ring bearer. I am saying vows with both of them and exchanging gifts (they are giving me a wedding band and I am giving each of them an ID bracelet) during the ceremony. We are making this wedding as much about the 4 of us becoming a family as it is about me marrying their dad. Once we explained all of this to them they became excited again and asked us if we could have the wedding next week.

 

Blending families is never easy, I don't know if my story of my situation will be of any help. Best of luck to you!

[Kelly C]

I have a 9yr old daughter. And I want her and hubby to be friends. I am the bad guy and make the stuff decisions. Cuz I dont want her to resent him. But she does and will respect him and all adults. Maybe Fi needs to tell her that you will not replace her mother but will be there for her. You might have to yourself explain to her that her behavior is not acceptable. And if she would like your help she needs to address you with respect. Hope she comes around. By the way we included my daughter in the sand ceremony. She had hewr own color and was very excited about it.

[Tropical Imaging]

I am a mom of a 5 year old and an 8 year old girl and 5/6 years old is a tough time in an ideal setting. I would first say, don't push it and don't take it too personally (it's tough, I know) From her perspective, why should she bother to make an effort, she's seen her parents break up, and now her mom and fi break up. In her short life her experience is "get comfortable with a relationship and someone leaves" so why should she bother.

 

You are in this for the long haul, but it's hard for her to even grasp that concept. At 5/6 it's pretty rigid logic really and they focus on the NOW. Also remember, she is at a really demanding stage in her education learning to read, learning math, pressures of being in school to learn vs play etc. I find this age is exhausted mentally and physically as well.

 

I do have some suggestions though. Don't force anything on her, continue to be in the background but if possible when she's around do some things that might interest her to ask to be involved. Maybe with valentines day with her around start baking cookies or a cake for her dad and ask her if she'd like to help measure or make a card (have some materials on hand, usually the more sparkly and messy the better). If she says no, keep on doing it and she may come join you anyway, but follow through with the task. If she doesn't join in, have fun doing it and try again a few weeks later. I bake cookies once a week, kids like consistancy.

 

If your working on something cool for the wedding whether it's an art project etc, think of something you can pull out and ask her to do (stickers/glue something etc) If she asks what you are doing you can have that ready.

 

The other thing I find that is always good is when you're going out with her (to eat, etc) always have things for her ready in your purse. My big go to with my kids and many others are pez candy dispensers for a quick fix when standing in line etc. For waiting at restaurants etc, I went to cafepress.com (shutterfly also has them) and uploaded a photo of each girl and made them a blank journal. The paper is great and it fits in a medium size purse easily. I keep the crayola pip squeak markers as well and as soon as we sit down they can draw or play games etc. My 5 year olds favorite drawing game is choosing a letter and then the book goes around the table and everyone has to draw something that starts with the letter. Hang man is my oldests favorite game. I make the journals for all of my kids friends and it is a huge favorite!!!

 

The key is to show her you are thinking of her, but not shoving it down her throat. The more you push kids that age, the more they push away I find. You have plenty of time for her to love you as her father does. Back off a little and let her find her way to you.

 

If you need cookie recipes etc let me know, I have a ton of them

[WAJA2009]

Thanks for the tips. I definitely try not to push her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I am EXTREMELY patient with her. I guess at this point I'm frustrated and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when she is around because I don't want her to be angry or upset as she will get angry or upset over the smallest things (i.e. her clothes don't fit right or the edges of the bread aren't removed from her sandwich).

 

I always include her in things I do and she helps alot! She loves going to the mall so I always try to make a trip there. I guess she just needs time to heal from all of the flip-flopping going on in her life right now. I'm sure she will come around. Right now, its just stressful.

 

She is also in the wedding as the flower girl and her father's ring bearer. My little cousin, who is also my future stepdaughter's age, is a flower girl and she told future step the other day, "I can't do the flowers all by myself so you HAVE to come to the wedding." Future step daughter said "Alright, I'll come then!" Lol.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

[Tropical Imaging]

She sounds a lot like my 5 year old and I sometimes feel like I walk on eggshells and there are no blended family issues LOL. At 5 and 6 kids are just starting to feel their independence and are desperately searching for things they can control. If she knows that you don't like that she doesn't use your name it's something she can file away for later and use it to regain control so don't push, let it come.

 

Your last post about the clothes and the bread again (and the small things really upsetting her) reminds me of my little one (who is completely different from her sister and has caused me at times to wonder if I can make it through motherhood sane LOL). She is very sensitive to how her clothes fit and routine and sometimes the most unexpected things set her off. For a while I thought I literally wouldn't make it.

 

Go online or to the bookstore and get a great book that I found on Children's personalities "Raising the spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. For a long time I really thought, "she's out to get me" and was constantly on eggshells etc. This book really saved my sanity by giving me a different perspective and some ideas on how to deal with my littlest. It's not a "this is how you parent guide" it is more about understanding people especially kids and the different personality traits that make them unique. It also showed me where certain traits I have vs my little one which clash and has helped me anticipate problems. It's amazing after I read it how much it helped me understand and prevent those horrific breakdowns.

 

As a photographer who also shoots a lot of family and kids portraits it's been a real insight into a lot of different kids and how to approach them based on their personalities. It's a must read in our business. And I find myself rereading it on a monthly basis when things rear up again. I have had more than a few mums who have similar kids tell me they were crying while reading it knowing they weren't alone and they weren't going crazy and weren't bad parents!

 

Just some more help, you're not alone, she's not out to get you and there is light at the end of this tunnel.

 

It sounds like your little cousin is just right for her on the holiday!