How to break up with a friend?

[townie princess]

Ok ladies, I need your advice. (pardon the long post)

 

FI was friends with this lady, let's call her "M", about a year before I met him. I show up in the picture and after 6 months of dating, M tells me that she thinks I'm good for FI and that she's now over him. WTF! You were never "together" to start with! Once FI explained that they had a flirtatious friendship, FI just wanted to stay friends and nothing more, I could understand why she said that. It was still a shocker, but I got past it.

 

After 18 months, FI and I move to another province. We see M a few times a year when we go back to visit and have some great times, M comes out our way when she's visiting family and will stay with us. All is still good.

 

After living in the new province for 2 years, M tells us she's thinking about leaving the big city and moving out our way to be closer to her family. Wow, that's great, we'll get to see our good friend more often. Another suprise that summer was that M was seeing someone. She had been single the entire time I knew her (so 3.5 years at this point).

 

By the end of the year, M and her new BF had moved to our province and lived about an hour's drive away. Both FI and I liked the new BF but were kind of shocked at how fast their relationship was moving.

 

Once M moved here we all saw each other about once a month. They had an old weiner dog and we have a big clumsy lab who got along fine, so we could all crash at each other's places and not have to worry about the animals.

 

After about a year of M living here, they bought a house with the intention of flipping it for a profit. They bought a house in the nasty area of town. Their first week in their new place, their neighbour told them to park their cars INSIDE their fenced backyard or else they'd lose the windows in them! Lovely. Needless to say I didn't want to leave my car parked overnight there, so we came to visit but didn't stay over. Which doesn't make for a very fun night when you're arguing about who's going to drive. So we saw less and less of them because we didn't want to stay overnight there and they didn't want to come out to our place all the time.

 

Because they were now living in the seedy area of town, M and BF got 2 new dogs that are pretty vocal. They're some kind of shepard cross and are very intimidating. Every time we'd come over, or if they came to our place, they would be barking at us non-stop and wouldn't settle down. M excused this behaviour because the dogs came from an abused home.

 

After 8 months of living in the hood, M and BF bought a new place outside of the city. They now live 90 minutes away from us. They tried selling the old place but were unsuccessful (but luckily found a renter). A week before they were to move in, they were at our place for a bbq. While my FI was heading towards the bbq one of their new dogs bit him on the back of the leg. It was an unprovoked attack. M and BF did nothing to discipline their dogs, they kind of brushed off the situation and giggled about it. Thankfully FI was ok, the dog didn't break the skin, but we were concerned about how those dogs would react around kids, they could definetly overpower one.

 

The next week we were at their new place doing some work before they moved in and their new dogs were still charging for us and barking at us, teeth all bared. Both FI and I were afraid to turn our backs on these dogs for fear we would get attacked. We both were ready to defend ourselves against these dogs if needed, seeing how our friends weren't going to help us out.

 

Since that weekend, things haven't been the same. FI says even though he and M used to be really good close friends, he just considers her an acquaintance now. Every time I've tried to make plans for dinner, M and BF back out at the last minute. Yesterday her excuse was "well I should have planned my day better, so because I've got nothing else to do in the city and I don't want to wait another hour until supper, I'm going to head home and cancel our dinner plans".

 

I think I'm done with this relationship. I'm sick of being stood up. We can't go over to their place and spend the evening for fear of being attacked. I'm tired of putting in all the effort and getting nothing back, it's like we're just not that important to them now.

 

M's BF has now changed to FI and they've asked my FI to perform at their wedding. We don't even want to attend. If they can't make the time to meet up for a coffee, then what are they going to expect from us for their wedding.

 

So ladies, how do you break up with a friend?

[kevsgirl]

Wow. Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship that should not have gone on for this long...

Just say you can't make the wedding and stop calling or trying to invite them out. When they invite you places, you back out.

Eventually you will have 'broken' up.

It doesn't sound like either of them is going to prolong this friendship anyway, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

And your FI isn't into the relationship anymore either, so you're working as a team.

[Chiquita]

I would just stop calling them, and if/when they call you to do something say you are busy or whatever. Eventually the friendship will just peter out on it's own.. you probably don't even have to do that much to make it happen, especially if they are cancelling plans all the time anyways.

[Erika J]

I would probably do the "phase out" as well, but there may be more mature ways of handling it, but I personally to passive to talk to them directly.

 

But it seems like that relationship was not as close to warrant addressing the situation.

[townie princess]

It's kinda ironic that she wrote in her xmas card "I think we need to meet up at least 6 times in 2009". And then 3 days later backs out of our pre-planned dinner date.

 

It just sucks that she gives the impression she wants to try and keep this all together, but isn't willing to put in any work towards it.

 

When her and her FI do come through town, they don't even tell us until after the fact. They would say "Oh we were just there a few days ago for dinner, we thought you would be too busy". But they could try calling...

 

Anyways, I think I'll try what you've all suggested and keep saying we're busy. Doesn't matter if I accept an invite anyways, they'll just stand me up again.

[tylersgirl]

Yeah, I agree with the girls above. The only way to really end it is to stop talking. I would not go to the wedding if you want to break up the friendship. I have had to do that to friends. I don't blame you for not wanting to get stood up all the time, etc. Good luck girl

[Jessica]

Like PP said, I don't even think you need to formally break up with them. It seems like the friendship is just fizzling out on it's own.

[townie princess]

Ummm so question #2 is, do I send her an invite to my wedding? Seeing how they've already received a STD.

 

I'm assuming they're not going to come because it's across the country. I emailed her about a seat sale and she responded that her mom was considering getting them the flights to our wedding as an early wedding gift for them. I wrote back saying that would be great if they could make it out, she said well they didn't get the tickets after all.

 

I'm thinking I should send them one and expect the rsvp with regrets in the mail. What do you think?

[Kat81]

I would send an invite. After all you have been friends for a long time. And sometimes friendships will fizz out for a while then rekindle themselves. Just let whatever happen, happen. Let her call you for plans, if you feel you want to go then go if not then tell her you are busy.

[kevsgirl]

Go ahead and invite them, but promise yourself not to get upset or stressed if they don't respond at all or leave you hanging til the week of. They seem like they might do that.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by townie princess Ummm so question #2 is, do I send her an invite to my wedding? Seeing how they've already received a STD.   I'm assuming they're not going to come because it's across the country. I emailed her about a seat sale and she responded that her mom was considering getting them the flights to our wedding as an early wedding gift for them. I wrote back saying that would be great if they could make it out, she said well they didn't get the tickets after all.   I'm thinking I should send them one and expect the rsvp with regrets in the mail. What do you think?