A year and a half to go and things are a mess (LONG)

[Rie2010]

Hello Everyone,

 

My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2010 in Jamaica but problems are arising and we haven't even finished out 2008 yet.

 

First, I feel SOOO guilty because the destination wedding seems to be more about me than my FH. He wanted a wedding and reception at home in VA with close friends and family but we have a lot of family members and friends (some not so close) who are all about the drama and we would rather not have them there. Unfortunately we can't just not invite them because the consequences would be too much to handle so needless to say the guest list would have been larger than we would like it to be and we would have to give up on a lot of the things that we (I) wanted in order to accommodate everyone (Which I don't feel I should have to do). We also really don't believe in spending all of that money when the majority of the people there would either be there for a free meal or bring down our big day.

 

I came up with the idea of a DW which I am so excited about and at first I thought my FH was too. Now I've come to find out that he's not thrilled about the idea but claims as long as he's marrying me and I'm happy then he'll be happy. That is my major concern.

 

Now the financial burdens. My parents are unwilling to help with the cost of the wedding and said they really don't care. My FIL's aren't financially able to help us and just having them attend is asking enough. Like some of you other brides we're in the market to buy a house (townhouse). I'm doing all that I can to figure out how to reserve everything we need to while making sure we'll have the funds available to put a down payment on a home. My FH is finishing up his undergraduate degree in May so right now i'm pretty much funding this affair on my own. At the same time we are getting no help from anyone and the complaints have already started. My younger sister will be graduating from school the month after our planned wedding date and she feels that I am being selfish and taking the spotlight off of her big day and that less people will "buy her gifts, send her money, and attend her graduation" if we have our wedding near her graduation date. One of the main reasons our wedding date is being held in April 2010 because the 17th will mark our 5 year anniversary (A big day for us) and we will have had our house for about 10 months and I don't want to play house for years to come because it doesn't work for my sister (Or anyone else).

 

Next, is my FBIL and a potential bridesmaid who will be in their first year of Medical and Dental school (respectively) and feel they can't miss classes. They also want me to push my wedding back until they are out of school because that works better for them. I am already feeling guilty that my FH grandmother already has stated that she won't be attending a destination wedding for personal and health related reasons.

 

I chose Jamaica because that is where my mother and all her family are from (born and raised) and I loved my visits there and haven't been back to visit in about a decade. I felt that if a wedding at home would cause the problems that it was then we could go to Jamaica and have a something small and intimate with people who cared about us. We are even considered the AHR as a compromise afterwards as long as we can keep costs down. Initially I wanted to elope but I couldn't escape the guilt and the more people who found out about the wedding the more problems I had.

 

I am really ready to just call it quits and unfortunately for us, Virginia doesn't recognize common law marriage. My fiance and I have both agreed that the Justice of the Peace and Vegas are out of the question but at this point that may be our only option if things don't start looking up. I just don't understand how things can be this difficult and the STD's haven't even gone out yet.

 

Thanks for your time I just really needed to get that off my chest.

 

[KatyKo]

I'm so sorry you are stressed out. The main thing is...that your wedding is you and your FI's day...no one elses. I know it is hard when people start complaining and usually try to make things more about them than you, but when it comes down to your wedding day, as long as you and FI are there, you are getting married and you are happy...everything else (like who is attending, where you are, etc) is all icing on the cake. Good luck with everything!

[cdc0427]

Wow, I had some of the same problems, my parents, my FILs, My FI... I don't really care anymore. I want a nice romantic wedding, if we had the wedding at home, we couldn't afford the wedding I want. I decided to go with it. If they don't like it, oh well... I'm sick of trying to please everyone but myself. It's my wedding, I'm getting what I want.

[Lenchika]

Ok Rie - deep breath in, slow, forced breath out... Now...close your eyes and imagine you're already on the beach...the sand...gentle sound of waves...hot sun.

You and your FI getting married - and no one is around except the officiant...are you still happy? I would say - YES!!! and you already know the most important thing your FI will be happy just marrying YOU!

 

My young cousin gave me this advice - we cannot control other people's reactions or emotions, we can only control our own. You can't control your family or their compaints - you can only control your own actions

The family drama comes out of nowhere and is so upsetting... I wish you well!

[Erika J]

It is a very tough time for people to see past the expenses of a wedding because of the economy and just be happy for the Bride and Groom, but ultimately everything well end up as it should be. You will be surrounded by the ones who love you most, even if they can not vacation as long as they would like to get back to class or to save money.

 

I wish you the best!

[LOTTALUV92]

Hi i read your thread and i camed to the conclusion.... At some point in your your life you have to put yourself first. If you continue to please everyone but yourself ...you will always be unhappy. This is your wedding and if only you and your fiance is the only ones there , then so be it. Its all about the two of you. You can always later on have a family get together after the wedding introducing yourselves as mr. And mrs. My own sister didnt come to my wedding,in jamaica, nor did my dad, yes i was pist, but you know what it was there lost, when they saw my pictures and how much fun we all had , they regreted not going . Oh well, the only people on my end of the family who did attend was my son and my mom,& daughter & my best friend. That was all i needed. My sister is very selfish too ,she feels the light has to always shine on her, not this time lights out girl lol. But anyway i hope this eases your mind a little. Good luck im sure you would make the right decisions, follow your heart it will lead you right.

[Jen_S]

I also think your wedding should be about the two of you. You need to plan your wedding so you will both be happy and have great memories when you look back. You can not please everyone someone will always have a problem with the date or funds so do what you want and your guests will do their best to attend. Good Luck!

[roo66]

Hi my honest opinion is just the two of you go off and have a fantastic weeding.Maybe you have a couple that are both your friends and ask them to come if not just go by yourselves and splash the extra money on a nicer hotel,trips etc.Come back and throw the party of all parties for all your family and friends making it as low key or splurge as you please.If you need witnesses im right up the front of the queue i love a wedding and jamaica lol.... hope it works out.Please yourselves and your h2b good luck ,xxx

[DanielleNDerek]

Okay i'm not reading any one else's responses so sorry if this is repetitive. But i think it's sweet that your fi is happy as long as he's marrying you and that's most important to him. A lot of guys arent into the wedding planning stuff and kind of just let the girls do what they want so i wouldnt feel guilty especially with his response he sounds okay with it.

 

And as far as paying for the reception/wedding. A lot of resorts will let you have a free reception dinner if you just have it in one of the restaurants. It wont be private, meaning there may be some other guests in the restaurant with you. But if you have a big enough group, you may be the only ones in the restaurant. Like i had my welcome dinner like this and we ended up being the only people in the restaurant so it was private anyway. a lot of girls do this and you dont have to let your guests know. You could do the toast right after the ceremony and the first dance after the ceremony than go to dinner. It's just an option to think about.

 

If your date means a lot to you than i wouldnt change it to accomadate others unless you absolutely want them there. If they have to miss school and it would really hurt their education than you have to expect they wont be there, you would have to understand that and not take it personally.

 

Do not let people guilt you into changing your wedding. In the end it's your and your fi's wedding. You guys have to be happy with it because its an event you'll remember for the rest of your life. No one will look back at your wedding like you guys will. And you dont want to regret not having the wedding you dreamed of because other people didnt understand.

 

i had a couple of people that didnt understand why i would want a DW and thought it was stupid to get married away. Well the people who said that to me and went to my DW, changed their minds completely. They were the people that had the best time and thanked me so much for going away. And they want to go back.

[Kat81]

I agree. This wedding is about the two of you. My Grandmother couldn't come which broke my heart but in the end I had to remember it is about the two of us! Just keep true to yourself. Talk to your FI about it and make sure he is all for the DW. You can always have a reception when you get home where all the people that couldn't afford to go can go. As for your sister. That is pretty selfish of her to think that she might not get good gifts because of your wedding. I wouldn't even think of that for a reason to reschedule.