our relationship is getting too comfortable...what do i do???

[Michelle]

ok so im hoping this is something alot of couples go through but i just am getting a little upset i guess that this might mean the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship is gone now

I am just missing when my FI and i first started dating and didnt live together yet and even when we first moved in together and always had dinner together and watched movies and cuddled and just even sat for hours and talked. Or even I would just call him at work for two seconds to say hi and he would stop what he was doing and talk for a bit.

And now that its been almost a year that we have lived together we never seem to have dinner together or i try be nice on nights he works late and ill wait to eat so we can have dinner together and ill make something and then hes not hungry...he doesnt even thank me for making something or even just eat a little bit because i put effort into making something (im not good at cooking so when i do cook i get excited for someone to share it with me) or even just that we both just sit on different computers when we are home and dont seem to sit on the couch and talk to hang out as much....and when we go to bed now we dont even just lay there and talk for a bit we both just fall asleep ....everything is soo different and not as cute and fun as when I first moved in...and when i call him at work to say hi sometimes he just will say ok im too busy cant talk, not even like oh hey thanks for calling me. I dunno i am probably just really overreacting...but things like this are really starting to bother me. Ive brought it up before and we have talked about it and he agrees that it sucks but nothing has changed.

 

This is all so fresh in my mind because I used to go meet him at his work when he was done and pick him up and he would be so happy when i did....but when i called tonight to see if he wants me to come get him he was like i dunno if you want to i guess.... i kinda wish he would just get excited even if its fake and just for my sake.

 

Have any of you gone through this?? is it something that always happens and im just going to have to get used to or what can i do to make things fun and more exciting again?? TIA

[SunBride]

Hum, well first off I would say what you are going through is pretty normal. My husband and I have been together for 6 years now (only married 6 months but have been living together for 4.5 years, 2 1/4 years in an appartment and then 2 1/4 years living in the house we bought together). So for us there was no "newlywed" or "honeymoon" phase whatsever after the wedding. Sometimes this makes me sad that we didn't experience this. I guess it's one of the downsides to waiting so long to get married.

 

Anyways, my advice is two-fold:

 

(1) You need to start accepting that it's normal for your relationship to be more boring. The early dating phase can't last forever. But don't worry, it's not something you will necessarily be able to accept right away. I know for me it's something I've very slowly accepted more and more through the years, but even now after 6 years it still makes me sad a bit that we aren't all lovey-dovey and super nice to eachother like we use to be. But the more accepting you can be about it, the more you can focus on the stuff you can change (i.e. spending quality time together) and let go the stuff you can't (i.e. the new-relationship butterflies in your stomach feeling). Try not to compare your relationship to the relationship of other people (I personally have a problem with that. It's something I really need to work on. You can't judge other peoples' relationship just by what you see on the outside) Realize that it's normal to get mad at eachother or be rude to eachother. You're not living in a fairy tale. This is really life and sometimes you are grouchy and it's not abnormal to take it out on the closest person. Doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, but I think it is normal.

 

(2) You both need to make a bigger effort to spend quality time together. This may require a lot of effort but it's worth it. This is also something I am currently doing. My husband and I are computer addicts so we often spend the entire evening after work on our respective computers until it's time for bed. But we realize that's not good and so are making an effort to spend quality time together. Here are things we do:

- eat dinner together with t.v. off (talk about the day at work, and other normal everyday life stuff)

- watch our favorite shows together every week (sometimes cuddling, but not always!)

- play sports together (both individual sports just the two of us, and an organized team sport)

- Play board games (I know, it sounds geeky, but when we do get around to doing it we really enjoy it. I find it's really good quality time. Right now it's a pretty rare occurance but I'm hoping we can turn it into a ritual that we do almost every sunday night).

- walk the dog together

- cook together (this is a rare one as my husband doesn't like to cook. But lately I've tried to get him involved a few times and it's fun. Since it's not something he enjoys a lot, I won't make him do it regularly, only about once a month. Since we don't do it that much he does actually enjoy it when we do. Usually I get him to help for his favorite meals, or for a super yummy dessert, that way he has motivation to help).

 

So again, to reiterate, I would say that what you are going through is completely normal, but to keep the relationship healthy I do think it's important to find ways to spend quality time together. I don't think it's possible to go back to the way things were at the beginning, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for a bit of improvement in the current situation.

[yamille]

I hear you Michelle. This is probably the phase where it starts feeling a little more like work but I think if you talk to him about how you are feeling it may make things a little better. I know with FI and I there is constantly and ebb and flow. I am in graduate school right now and that has taken a bhuge toll on our relationship but I think it has brought us closer. We have had to communicate in a different way and I have had to be more mindful of how I am towards him and vice versa.

 

I think it's scary at first. for me it was a "oh no is the fun honeymoon phase over" moment but it has truly gotten better as we have worked through certain issues. But I'm not going to lie it takes effort. We make date nights were it is just us doing our thing as opposed to going out with a crew of people or going to a party. We also make a point to eat dinner together when I don't have late class. We also started cooking together. These are things that are small but it takes mindfulness to make happen in a city wher everything keeps happening all the time and everyone is busy busy busy.

 

I don't think that you have to get used to him not jumping for joy when he sees you at the end of his day. If it was me- I would tell him how it makes you feel and meet somewhere in the middle. I hope that makes sense. And believe me everyone goes through this. These are the moments that make your relationship even stronger and takes it to the next level.

 

I do understand that it can feel crappy though.

[rach220]

Hi Michelle...I am starting to think we are very much alike...I am having this same problem right now.

I am in grad school and my FI is still finishing his undergrad, and we both work full time. On top of it all, I am working a second full time job (unpaid because it's an internship for school) so we very rarely cross paths. I work 3rd and 1st shift at my two jobs (11pm until 3pm) and go to school a few nights a week. My FI works 3rd but is in classes during the day 3 days a week. Because our schedules are so backwards we NEVER see each other. In September, when it first started, we were both really good about conforming to each other's schedules as much as we could. For example, Scott would stay awake in the morning while I was at work so that he could go to bed with me when I got home around 3. But now we are so burnt out that we both sleep whenever we can and aren't trying as hard to be there for each other...I guess we are more worried about taking care of ourselves and getting enough sleep. It's so weird because Scott had spent a year and a half away overseas with the army and even then I spoke to him more than I do now. There are times that we go 3 days without seeing each other or really talking at all. Even though we live together we live completely separate lives, and it has totally been bumming me out!

 

Just recently we discussed everything and came up with a plan...so here is my advice...

We promised each other we would find one time a week that we spend together...2 weeks ago we both had Saturday morning free, so we stopped at gym where we work after our shift (oh yeah, and we work together but don't even see each other there...it's complicated), and then we went home and watched a movie (which really just meant we fell asleep to a movie together)...and this week we said we would see each other on Wednesday night because there is an hour that we cross paths, but he ended up getting home later than expected and we missed each other . Sooo, now we decided on Saturday AM again...hopefully it will work out. It helps to set a date at least once a week so it's soemthing to look forward to. And because it's just once a week that we are making the time it doesn't burn us out too much.

I would also try to do cute things...for example...I left a note on the pillow last week saying I couldn't wait until Wednesday...he called me specifically to thank me for the note. He also packed my lunch for me one day a few weeks ago and left a note in my lunchbox...it was so cute, so I left it in there and every time I eat lunch now I see it. Just little things like that...

Oh, and not to get too personal, but our sex life has also taken a bit of a hit with all this...it's not very romantic when you have to "schedule" time to have sex. So I've tried to spice it up a bit by wearing more lingerie and things like that (that I used to NEVER wear) and attempting to surprise him when he gets home and we have all of ten minutes before one of us needs to be somewhere else...hope that wasn't too much information for you...

But yeah, it's definitely normal to feel like this, and I'm pretty sure that everone goes through it. Obviously the honeymoon phase can't last forever, and there are a million things you can do...I know this sounds crazy, but magazines like Cosmo always have articles about this and they give tips about how to keep the romance alive or whatever...some of the tips are dumb, but some are kinda cute and useful...I tried doing a search but I'm at work and I'm blocked from sites like that. Maybe you could check it out though?

I don't know...just know that it is normal, and a marriage and later stages of a relationship always require more work. Obviously you guys love each other so I'm sure you're both willing to do what it takes to make it all work. It's important to talk about it and make sure he knows how you feel! Good luck!

[teresayax]

I'm really sorry to hear that things aren't going the greatest, but I know what you're going through. My FI and I have been together for 5yrs, lived together for 3yrs. We went through a similar phase after living together for about a year. All of the tips from the other girls are great and I agree with all of them. One other bit of advice that I have to add is to try stepping back and looking at your relationship (mostly your actions) as a 3rd person. At least from my experience with this phase, I found that I was "waiting" for my FI to cuddle with me or hold my hand... So I started moving to the couch where he was watching tv to sit next to him, or I would reach for his hand and I found that we were both feeling awkward with the phase and neither one of us knew whether or not to make the first move. I know it sounds a little corny, but it worked and now we both come up with suggestions or cute little things.

[KAMAY11]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling blue!

 

Honestly, I think this is something that every couple experiences! The honeymoon phase is not meant to last forever...BUT that being said-I think the honeymoon phase reaches a different level as the relationship progresses. My hubby and I can definitely get "disconnected" at times...life, work, money, stress, bills etc get in the way and the little things (cute text messages, calling to just say Hi, kissing, etc) can get forgotten...but somehow we always manage to get back to that "place" and reconnect. You BOTH must be willing to put the effort in.

 

In my opinion, communication & actions are most important in this situation. Maybe try having a date night once a week/month...instead of calling him at work (and feeling like crap after because he can't talk) just text him a cute message. I am also a true believer that "thank you's" go a long way....try and make a habit to say thank you (even if it's just him taking out the garbage, or brushing the snow off your car!). Hopefully he'll follow suit and start to thank YOU for cooking, cleaning etc.

 

I have so many thoughts, so i apologize if this came out all jumbled....Keep us updated!

[RoryS]

Having been married for many years; I can tell you that all relationships go through peaks and valleys. Any relationship worth having - is worth working for and believe me, sometimes it IS work - but it is definitely worth it.

Sitting down in front of the TV and having dinner can get pretty boring. I've planned picnics on our bed - cheese, crackers, fruit, pate, wine - it's a change and lots of fun. We also try to take car trips together - in the fall ride out to the country and look at the folliage, wintertime take a ride to look at Christmas decorations, etc. It's very easy to talk to one another when you're in a confined space and neither one can escape to a tv, phone call or computer. Going for short walks together. Doesn't take long and gets you out and talking. There are so many different things you can do to make things less predictable, and get you communicating.

[~*Kathy*~]

Hi Michelle!

 

I wouldn't sweat it too much, it's a pretty normal thing to go through. FI and I have been dating for 8 years and living together for 5 years. I know it's an adjustment for anyone when the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship has past. I still sometimes wish that my FI would do the sweet things he used to, like surprise me with my favorite flowers, etc...but I know that he's so practical in nature that he has a hard time justifying to himself why he's buying flowers (or jewelery lol) in the first place. I can't blame him either! My FI has always been a quiet person so getting him to have long, deep conversations with me can be like pulling teeth sometimes.

 

Most week nights, we usually do our own thing. I usually go to the gym for 1-1.5 hours after work and he does stuff around the house or if he has a hockey game (plays on two teams) he does that. If we are both home together at the same time, we'll watch a movie together (if it's one I'm interested in) or both browse the web (sad I know lol). We used to be online video game addicts (we'd play one in particular together for hours), but we figured it was cutting too much in to our real life, so we both quit that.

 

I guess, like others in this thread have said, you just have to make the time. We like to spend our weekends doing things together like going for dinner and a movie, or shopping. Please don't be disapointed in your relationship or your FI, everyone is too busy nowadays and it is very difficult to make time for each other. You will be ok!!!

[sunsetbride1]

It's okay Michelle!!!! As everyone else said, what you are going through is normal.

 

FI and I have gone through our times when things seem mundane. He doesn't usually notice; but I do. To keep this short and sweet; and to not say everything the ladies have already said (which I agree with).. the most important thing is COMMUNCIATION!!!

 

When I start to feel like we are not connecting or I need more attention or I feel I am not giving him enough.. We talk about it. I will tell him that I would like for us to spend more time together; or it makes me feel bad when I make the effort to make dinner (insert chore here), etc and you don't say thank you; or I would like to take you on a date because I miss you; or let's have a living room picnic with wine and cheese just the two of us; or... I can go on and on. The point being is to tell him how you are feeling; don't accuse him.. just tell how certain things in the relationship are making you feel.

 

If you do that, it will get better!!! Hang in there!!!

[BachataBride]

It is definitely normal.

FI and I don't even go to bed together anymore - he works shift and is off days in the middle of the week sometimes so even when he has the chance to go to bed with me he doesn't. I don't want him to even necessarily stay in bed...just tuck me in!

But I think it will all work out. You should make an effort to schedule some quality time - I think that's what we're going to do.