Destination doubts

[hollym]

Thanks for all the help!

I talked to Fi and decided that we DO in fact want a DW. My problem was that my mom wants to help pay a little but said she doesn't want to have to give me money AND pay for her and my dad to come. So I think I'm going to find a way to tell her that I don't want her to help at all if she's going to make me feel guilty about it later. I just want her to be there however we have to make that happen.

I guess I was having doubts because she was trying to make me feel guilty about having everyone (including her) spend money to come and was trying to convince me to have a wedding here because that what SHE wants.

I just realized that she's kind of been doing that with all my ideas. "Well, it's not what I would do, but...." It's super frustrating. I just wish she was supportive no matter what I want.

[CantWait!]

That's almost the exact situation I'm in as well. I know it's frustrating and I feel for you! My fi and I really want to do a destination, so we're working with a travel agent to try to help us find inexpensive options. We've decided that if there are people who decide not to go because they'd rather save the money, then that's their decision. The ones who truly want to be there, will be.

 

Like several others, we're having a small, cocktail reception a few months after we get back so those that couldn't make it to the destination can see pictures and celebrate with us.

 

I hope it works out!

[hollym]

I know that my parents will come, I just also know that they'll make me feel guilty for it. So I guess there's really nothing I can do. I think I'll end up talking to her and telling her how I feel.

[amberagd]

This is definitely a difficult topic. I would echo some of the other comments posted about have a DW, but have it some place 5-6 hours away. We have also given our guest 1 year and a half to save and given them enough notice. We are also shouldering as much of the cost as possible so they take a vacation, not just come to a wedding for a day. We see it as the entire family getting to go on a vacation together!

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[Glamourina]

I totally feel for you. It's hard to be excited about wedding planning if people are making you feel guilty. Although I'm not in the same situation as you, I too have had DW doubts. My closest friend who first said she would be coming now tells me that she can't afford it. I thought about helping to pay for her expenses in order for her to come, but at the same time I did give her almost 2 YEARS notice and I feel like if she really wanted to be there, she would have saved up. On the other hand, I have other friends (who aren't as close) in worse financial circumstances putting money away each month in order to attend the wedding. It's so weird how people who you think are definitely going to come, don't show up and people you never thought would ever come, do show up...

[Sparkles8300]

I think doing a destination wedding at a beach/lake closer to home would be a good idea. Are you in driving distance to either of these? That way everyone can carpool instead of having to worry about buying a plane ticket. It would still cut down on the guest list since there would be traveling involved. In the end it's YOUR day and you need to do what will make YOU happy. If having your mom there will make you happier than having an island wedding, then you have your answer of what to do!

[bumbles]

Tell your mom that all she has to do is show up at the destination ready to celebrate, not to worry about anything else and leave all the wedding planning up to you I can understand that, as a parent, she may want to contribute financially to your wedding. Maybe she can purchase your veil, a piece of jewelry you'll wear or something? That way, it's something small yet still meaningful since it can also be a keepsake.

[nicmicj]

I am having sort of the same issues but have definitely made up my mind. If it is very important for you to have your family there, then I think you should try to come up with some type of compromise like you stated having something in your state. We discussed ahead of time about the possibility of family not attending and decided we would be ok with whoever decided to come even if our family did not. Fortunately for me, my family is excited about going to Las Vegas, but his mom & dad are saying they can't come! Not sure what their final decision will be but we are going to Vegas - even if it's just the two of us.

[hollym]

Thanks for all your help, girls!

Matt and I have decided to do a DW for sure. I guess it wasn't so much whether or not my family would come, because they WOULD come no matter what, but I know they'll make me feel guilty for it, ya know?

So I talked to my mom and she's on board. We're doing this!

[DWandMJ]

I can completely relate with you, except the frustration is coming from the FI's side of the family. We didn't want to elope, per se, but we wanted a small intimate wedding without hurting feelings. A DW limits the guest list by circumstance.

My family has made it their number priority to attend. As if the economy was hard enough on all of us, my mother was laid off of her job, and even she's still attending! Its all a matter of prioritizing, and for her and a number of my other family members, they wouldn't miss it for the world. Heck, we're more or less foregoing Christmas gifts in an effort to save money. FI's family, on the other hand, are indirectly complaining about the expense to everyone else. At this point, absolutely no one from his side, his parents included, will be attending.

In an effort to accomodate them, we took it to the point of actually changing the wedding from Cancun, to looking at venues in the Redwoods (about 6-7hours away) and Brookings, Oregon, to then even local spots. After looking at the expenses of rentals, catering, etc... we would end up spending the same amount on a local wedding as we would for our destination wedding, but the DW would include a week long honeymoon at a five star all inclusive resort. Needless to say we've reverted back to Plan A. I'm not okay with trying to accomodate those that don't care enough to try.

They've known for a year what the plan was, and they haven't saved a cent. The only thing they've managed to come up with are more excuses.

 

(***Biting my tongue from going off on a tyraid)

 

If you would be happy with a quasi-destination wedding, then go for it. Look at the pros and cons, and do a preliminary planning as if you've made that your new venue (assuming you're far enough out). Set up a spreadsheet in excel and you can do a price comparison. Only you & the FI can conclude what feels right. You should be able to look back on your wedding day with no regrets, and no one should make you feel guilty for wanting that. I'm not saying "go all out, you'll only do this once," but your wedding day is one of the biggies in your life, and no one should prevent you from enjoying it.

If your mom uses the "that's not how I would do it" line with you, remind her that its a good thing she isn't planning your wedding, because she would completely miss the mark on what you want. If she's only going to see you marry once, wouldn't she rather see you with a look of elation on your day?