feeling pretty ignored by FI...

[Michelle]

ok so im not sure what to do I just need to vent really bad...

 

ok so my FI works at a retail store as a Store manager so he works about 9-10 hours 5 days a week and then has every other weekend off and one day a week off...well normally that is so much time off to spend with him and i love it....but lately on his days off he goes into work to do some extra work and "catch up" and he is trying to get a higher position in the store so i know he is sucking up so much but its starting to drive me crazy!!!! since im stuck at home alot now and not able to go out and do things to keep myself busy i am so excited for the days that he is home from work so that we can spend time together....well this weekend is his weekend off work so i was getting all excited and thinking of stuff we can do and then he just called me and was like so this Saturday im going to work at another location of the store he works for (he helps do fraud investigations so he has been helping at his buddys store) and this is kind of like a part time job he used to have when we were dating long distance so if he went to this job on weekdays i wouldnt care because i wasnt in town to see him anyways and he stopped going to this job when i moved in with him....so this morning he got an email from his buddy at this store and he asked if my FI could help him and so my FI was like come on i really want to help him do you mind if i go do some work there and i said no i dont mind but can we pick a good time for you to go? like a day i am busy....so to just talk to him on the phone now and realise that he said he would work this saturday without asking me im pretty upset!!! its not just a close-by place that takes a couple hours out of the day, its about 2 hours travel time each way and he works about 8 hours there so i pretty much wont see him all day.....so im mad that he doesnt want to spend this time with me and he instead wants to earn "extra money" that we really dont need right now....

 

so i dont know if im being selfish by wanting him to spend time with me on his days off or if i should be ok with that fact that he never spends as much time at home as he used to....its really just starting to hurt me alot....and also when he is at work now if i call to ask him something, if his boss is around, my FI will act like a jerk and an ass when i know thats not how he is! i confronted him last night because yesterday he said something seriously hurtful to me and he was like well my boss was there so i was just joking around but i think its almost being taken too far.....

 

do you think im being crazy or stupid by getting so upset i dont know what to do or how to talk to him about this because i feel like he listens and changes for a little bit and then goes back to the stupid things he does again....ughhh please help....

[Ellipse22]

Hi Michelle

 

I can understand & relate. I think it's normal to feel upset...I think I would be more upset at the fact that he didn't talk to you about working on the Saturday.

 

My FI has been working alot lately - store manager as well and tis the season - and I've been feeling extra needy, emotional you name it..that's me!

 

I spoke with a counsellor the other day (separate issues lol) and expressed my concern over feeling emotional. She reminded me how important it was not to rely on others to make me happy. She suggested I take time out for myself (hard to do with a full time job, 2 kids at home and 2 that come every weekend) and do the things that make me happy. She mentioned that I should try to focus on the positive and that although we naturally want others to fullfill a need that I need to find a way to fullfill my needs without depending on FI.

 

Easier said than done I'm sure! I'm still struggling with it! As hard as it may be to not be upset at your FI keep in mind that he is taking the "to make extra money" approach then show him that it doesn't bother you (again, easier said than done) and remind him that you understand and that you would like to set some time aside for the 2 of you. Plan a date night or something.

 

Just my thoughts but sister I'm right there with you! I am sooooo much in need of some comfort!

 

Hang in there!

[BachataBride]

I think you are totally justified in your feelings!!! I am feeling similar about FI lately too!

Unfortunately I do not know what to tell you...he's a man and doesn't understand our need for attention and quality time!! All you can do is lay out your feelings & hope that he realizes how much you are missing him.

[Hartyt509]

I feel like that most of the time lol FI is in the army and it's now 5 weeks since I've seen him and I won't see him for another 3!! But he has time to go airsofting with the "boys" so I blew my stack and said I was looking after his demanding bloody dog and if he didn't get his arse home I would be dropping it off for him lol to make it worse he is going to his cow of a mother's for 3 days before christmas I said fine make sure you've done your shopping because i'm not doing it for you lol

 

He has said next year will be even worse!! nice lol

 

You've just got to tell him how it is, release the tension and you'll be fine. I'm personally going to london for 2 days with a friend while he is home, he can look after the bloody dogs while I get rat arsed and shop lmao

[*Lo*]

I think as much as it sucks...if he is trying to work his way up in his job, you can't really get mad. I mean in the end him in a higher up position will benefit you as well!! One thing I have learned is that standing in the way of your FI's career could make him resent you in the end. The decisions clearly need to be discussed together though, but as much as I do not like it that my FI moved away to go get an MBA, it is required for him to be able to have the job that he wants...and if I told him he couldn't go, then it might mean he would never be happy with his career. And then I would feel bad!!!

 

Knowing your situation though, I would think the next little while he should make an effort to be home with you more. You are still in recovery!!!

 

So I think it comes down to WHY he isn't around. If he his blowing you off to go out with his friends all the time, that is different than him trying to get ahead at work.

[Maura]

michelle, do you think his wanting to work extra has anything to do with trying to save money for an engagement ring? i havent read your thread about that in the last day or so, so i dont know if you updated it but even if you both decided to not get a ring right now.... maybe this is the reason behind it and he's just trying to make you happy

[syl1115]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hartyt509 I feel like that most of the time lol FI is in the army and it's now 5 weeks since I've seen him and I won't see him for another 3!! But he has time to go airsofting with the "boys" so I blew my stack and said I was looking after his demanding bloody dog and if he didn't get his arse home I would be dropping it off for him lol to make it worse he is going to his cow of a mother's for 3 days before christmas I said fine make sure you've done your shopping because i'm not doing it for you lol He has said next year will be even worse!! nice lol You've just got to tell him how it is, release the tension and you'll be fine. I'm personally going to london for 2 days with a friend while he is home, he can look after the bloody dogs while I get rat arsed and shop lmao

OH my Harty, you make me laugh all the time. I just love your responses. I'm sure my husband is thinking the same thing about me right now. He had surgery on his shoulder and I know that his is in pain, but he is being so "clingy" that I just have to throw some percocet at him and go shopping. I know I should be more sympathetic, but I'm not good at playing nurse.

[Hartyt509]

Quote:

Originally Posted by syl1115 OH my Harty, you make me laugh all the time. I just love your responses. I'm sure my husband is thinking the same thing about me right now. He had surgery on his shoulder and I know that his is in pain, but he is being so "clingy" that I just have to throw some percocet at him and go shopping. I know I should be more sympathetic, but I'm not good at playing nurse.

Lol I know what you mean FI was laid up with a dodgy knee I said ah well exercise will do you good take out the dogs and tidy up you messy git lmao I have no sympathy blokes always make out its worse than it is lol so I agree chuck him some tablets and go shop lmao

[Kat81]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maura michelle, do you think his wanting to work extra has anything to do with trying to save money for an engagement ring? i havent read your thread about that in the last day or so, so i dont know if you updated it but even if you both decided to not get a ring right now.... maybe this is the reason behind it and he's just trying to make you happy

I was just thinking the same thing. I didn't know the ring situation but maybe he is trying to surprise you with something. Ryan did this once right before he proposed. He wanted to buy the ring outright. I was super busy at the time so I didn't really notice that he was working more often. Now that I am home every day it affects me more by having too much time on my hands. I always try to think about it like this... he is doing something productive and blowing you off. It could be worse... Guys often go out drinking, golfing, fishing, atving etc to blow us off. Maybe just tell him you really need a night out with him. I am sure he will realize he hasn't been paying enough attention to you.

[aeroo]

I understand that you feel lonely and miss him when he's working so much, but I don't think his goal is to hurt you. It sounds like his goal is to move ahead in his career and that is a great thing. It may suck for you now, but in the long term, it will benefit you and your future kids. I agree with the other girls, it's not like he's spending the time drinking or whatever. He's doing something productive for your future together, so I think you should try to appreciate all the work he's been doing. I'm sure he would rather spend time with you than work, but it sounds like he has to put in the extra effort/hours in order to move ahead. It's also a good opportunity to spend time with friends or family or do something that you love. Of course you should talk to him about this and try to understand one another. He may not know how hurt you are. Guys can be clueless and not pick up on the hints - you just need to say it outright to him so he gets it. It sounds like you guys need to have a good heart to heart and try to understand each other's point of views. Hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise. Good luck!