Long distance relationship - FI being selfish? *LONG*

[*Lo*]

Thanks, you have all made some really valid points. I guess what I saw an issue with is that he is only coming up here 2 weekends for the entire first semester...and both of them he has either cancelled, changed, or attempted to reschedule. I am not really asking a lot. The other 14 weekends he is there this semester he can go to as many parties as he wants! And he does. It is a little weird for me because we are of the age where we kind of stopped going out to bars all the time and it is more just for someone's birthday or whatever. But I can understand that he wants to meet new people etc.

 

I did talk to him tonight and he actually called me because a team meeting he had today made him realize that things have changed. He apologized for admittedly putting everything else before me. He promised he will make an effort and things will be better.

 

I think it is true, it is an adjustment period. It is sort of compounded by us not seeing each other for a month. Because I know sometimes things seem like a huge deal but when you see each other, they seem insignificant.

 

I am sure this won't be the only issue we have over the two years but I appreciate all the advice! It has been helpful

[*Heather*]

I'm glad he called and said all of that stuff! Yay! He's a keeper I know you guys will work it out. As Harty said, it's going to be an adjustment at first to figure out what it's going to be like and what each of your limits are. You'll come through it stronger than ever!

[Alyssa]

hey Lori - why can't you go to Boston to live together? 2 years is such a long time!!!

[KLC77]

I'm glad he called and admitted he needs to make more of an effort. I agree with Harty that you should try to make it so that you are "busy" sometimes when he tries to reach you, even if you are just sitting home on the couch. I'm not a fan of games by any means, but he needs to know that you are just not sitting around waiting for him to have time for you, kwim? Hopefully, he will put in more effort and you guys are able to adjust to this. It a whole new situation so it'll probably take some time. Good luck!

[JoLo908]

My brother and I fight and argue a lot, but he gave me really great advice once, and I believe it is good to take... you need to meet your partner (girlfriend,boyfriend, friend) half way. When you meet half way on situations, it means both of you are putting in the same amount of effort, you want for the same things. I wish you luck, long distance relationships can totally be done, I had one of my friends from college last four years... so, be strong! Meet half way!

[ipodgirl]

Hi there! As someone who did almost 6 years in long distance and also completed her MBA during this period, I can understand both side's frustrations.

 

First of all, a big part of MBA is about networking/building relationships, so I can understand why he wants to stay there. Since this is his first semester, I'm guessing there's a lot of surprises and adjustments to make. I think things will get better after this initial period. My suggestion would be let him know you know this degree is important and you want him to have the full experience, but also let him know that you miss him a lot and need him to be able to balance things and tend to your feelings too.

 

When I first started doing MBA part time on top of doing a full time job on top of coast-to-coast long distance relationship, I was really stressed out and got into fights with my then bf (we got married last month! no more long distance since last yr ^^). Luckily after a semester or two, I found out how to balance work and was able to have a life & also fly out to Cali to see him every other month.

 

Hope it works out!! It's frustrating to fight often, especially during LD!

[becks]

Just to add a bit to Tammy's comment...

 

I moved to a new town when I started my MBA, and my whole life revolved around my classmates and the school's academic and social calendar, ESPECIALLY the first year. Admitedly, I was single, so I didn't have to concern myself with a significant other. But I can understand how your FI is getting caught up. Every day he's hearing the same things from his classmates - yes the party is dumb, but it will be fun! C'mon man, you gotta go! Blah, blah.

 

Here's my advice. GO TO THE PARTY! I say this for two reasons. (1) You need to get to know his B-school friends and be part of their social scene or they will always think of you as the party-pooper. (2) Make the effort for him, and know that a day will come when you're supposed to be going to see him and a concert or a friend's b-day party falls on that weekend and you will want to stay put. Then you have the right to turn the tables.

 

But seriously, yes the party will be dumb. GO. Just go. You need to be a part of his b-school life - you don't want to be left behind. So go and have a wild time and make sure all his new friends know how fantastic and fun you are. After that, they'll be telling hiim that he can't go to the parties if he doesn't bring you.

[DanielleNDerek]

So glad that you talked to your fi and he understands how ya feel.

[*Lo*]

Well during out discussion he said that he does go to parties all the time and it is just one, and he is excited to see me instead. (He then went out for someone's b-day immediately after hanging up the phone.) I have been down when he first moved, met a lot of people and went to a party then. I am also going down at the end of October for this retreat thing, where his section and their significant others all go on a trip. So I will have the opportunity to meet everyone. I have trips booked 2 other weekends as well to visit. So I just feel like I AM making an effort! And he isn't. He wasn't willing to give up just 2 weekends of the semester to come up here.

 

I did consider moving with him, but it is really not a good option for me career wise. So we both agreed it is best that I stay here and work my way up with the firm I am with. He didn't want me to give up everything I have worked for, just because he is going away to school. Just like I wouldn't ask him to stay here, when his job requires him to have this degree and they are paying for it for him and it is such a good opportunity for him!

 

I appreciate insight from others who have done the long distance thing! The situation seems so much worse because I haven't seen him in a month. I just don't like when his idea of 'sacrifice' is mentioning that he is not going on the trips that are offered over christmas, so that he can spend time with me. When really it is because I paid $5,000 for us to go on a cruise for an engagement present (back in June) so he already has a vacation to go on. I seriously think he considered trying to get out of it though to go away with his classmates.

 

I totally get it, that he has to meet people down there and have that life. I am not asking him to change all that or give that up. Just to spend the 2 weekends we scheduled and booked, up here with me! (plus his friends here want to see him as well) I don't think that's asking a lot!

[DanielleNDerek]

Lori i dont think you were asking too much at all. You arent expecting him to drop everything and come home every weekend. You guys selected a couple of weekends for him to come home and he should definately come home on those weekends unless their is some dire emergency which a party is not. I'm glad that he has seen the error in his ways and is excited to see you.