Long distance relationship - FI being selfish? *LONG*

[*Lo*]

Hi everyone, I need to vent bigtime. And I need some advice!

 

My FI moved to Boston to do an MBA about a month ago. We were living together for about a year and a half prior to this. We have not seen each other since I went down to help him move. Before he left we talked about how we would make things work, how often we were going to see each other (every 3 weeks), and we would schedule the first few flights right away. We also agreed that the distance would be hard but we are committed to making it work (hence engagement).

 

So the first weekend he was supposed to come visit was last weekend. 3 days before he tells me he can't make it because he has class until 5 and it will be difficult to get a flight out because he has to fly to NYC first. (Long story on the NYC stuff). So anyway he says he will rebook it for the following weekend. So already I am disappointed and I feel like he could, if he really wanted to, find a way to still make it home. (There are other airlines running later flights). In the end his class only ended up going until 2 so I was a little upset. He didn't even suggest that I go down to visit him instead.

 

Then he just calls me to tell me that he found out that his Oct 10 classes are now going to go until 5. This was the next trip we had booked because it is Canadian thanksgiving. But I told him he could try and get on a different airline and he should still try to come Friday night when he suggested he comes Saturday morning.

 

THEN, he tells me that's fine, he will just resent me. WTF is that? So THEN he tells me there is a party that is supposed to be the party of the year that night and he really wants to go. Which is sort of what I suspected. And he tells me I am making too big a deal out of this, and I just don't want him to have any fun.

 

Isn't coming to see me supposed to be fun? I feel like this is the first of many situations like this. He always feels like he is missing out on something. It's not like he never goes to parties there, he goes out all the time.

 

I have talked to him about it extensively, he knows how I feel. He knows that it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. And he just says, "well that's not the case".

 

Is it just me? Am I overreacting? I have never had a successful long distance relationship before so I just don't know. I am soooo angry right now I almost threw my phone against the wall. But I am at work so that would just lead to more problems.

[Kelly C]

That really sucks!! Can you fly down there and go to the party with him? If he can't make it back I would be making it there.

I hate when you bring something to their attention and they act like were loosing it. I would be upset too. Hang in there.

[*Heather*]

Lori, you're SO not over-reacting. I'd feel the same way, and I know what you mean because my FI is also a "I hate missing anything" kinda guy. It gets on my nerves sometimes.

 

Could you suggest going down over Thanksgiving and going to the party with him?

 

I don't think it's that your FI doesn't want to see you or anything. In my opinion, distance is always hardest for the person "at home" than it is for the person who's gone away somewhere. He has so much to keep his mind occupied and he isn't missing the little things you guys used to do together like you are. You just need to explain to him how hard it is for you and that you really really look forward to the time you'll be spending together.

 

To sum up, yes I think he's being selfish! But I'm not sure totally how to snap him out of it other than trying to make him see how it makes you feel, and how much you miss him....if that doesn't work, stop taking his calls and see how much he misses you THEN! Haha, just kidding. Kinda

[DanielleNDerek]

I dont think your over-reacting. it's not like you get to see each other all the time. its one of the few times you see each other, he should choose you over going to a party.

[boscobel]

Jeez, that really sucks. How long will he be away? Would it be possible for you to move there with him (if it's going to be years)? I would hate to be away from Matt for that long and only see him monthly.

 

But I like the suggestions the other girls had about you going down there for the party. Although, that also brings up the issue of he is missing a Canadian holiday for a party? It does sound kind of selfish. Also, what party is that big? There isn't any American holiday around October 10th (that I know of anyway!). It does sound kind of selfish, but I think what someone else said is true - it's much easier on the person who went away then the person left behind. He is making new friends at a new school program and it's exciting. While you are at home, doing everything that you would normally do with him. So I can see why it would appear that you care more then he does, but I doubt that's the case.

[*Lo*]

He did suggest I fly down on Friday for the party and then we fly back on Saturday or Sunday to spend thanksgiving with my parents. But I am also tentatively going down the weekend after for some random event he wanted me to go to. (Thankfully we have lots of airline points!) So it is possible that I go, but in all honesty, it is the HBS Priscilla Ball. Google it! It is something that was fun for me when I was 21 in undergrad. But not now. Guys dress up as women or something, and everyone drinks from a keg. I don't know it just sounds immature. Which is what he is becoming. And I took this Friday afternoon off since he is apparently still coming up, to surprise him with a trip to Niagara Falls since he has never been. I can't really take every Friday off. Now I feel like cancelling the Niagara trip. Although it is non-refundable. So that likely won't happen.

 

I feel like I am putting so much into this and he just isn't. And I have mentioned this countless times and he just says I am constantly trying to pick fights with him. I have never been so angry! I am seriously really really angry.

[boscobel]

I totally feel your pain, Lori. I'd be pissed too. That's one of the hardest things about a relationship, I think. Trying to get on the same wavelength on something that you aren't seeing eye to eye on. You are hurt and upset, and he thinks you are being nag-y. It's so hard to have a conversation where you can explain it without nagginess. And I don't mean YOU, I mean me too! So I hope you aren't taking offense to this. It's one of Matt's and my biggest problems, understanding the communication that we have. We communicate plenty, but understanding it doesn't happen that often.

 

I wouldn't cancel the Niagra trip though, cuz you two def need/deserve some time together! And since you said you aren't interested in that party, I would skip that weekend and go the next as you have planned. You guys are def going thru an adjustment period, since this is so different then the way that you've been together before.

[*Heather*]

Bah - that party does sound kinda...ummm...not worth making a big deal about on his end! I know he probably just doesn't want to be the only guy not going, but seriously, how old are all of the people in his program who are going? Aren't they old enough to understand that sometimes other commitments come first? And really, if you let this one go, isn't there going to be "some party" every weekend that he's supposed to come home? I'd just hate for this to happen all the time. How can anyone say it's going to be the Party of the Year when the year just started! I'm just afraid that a few months from now, there will be another "party of the year" and so on and so on....

 

I'm frustrated on your behalf!!!!

[Hartyt509]

It's difficult. I've always had a kind of long distance relationship with FI and it does really piss me off when he decides to go to some crap random thing or the other, like a bloody military show when he is in the freaking military but at every other opportunity he comes home.

 

It does take a lot of adjustment at first. I found the best way to get it through to him without nagging was to turn my phone off and not take his calls for a day or so, then when he did ring say i'm really sorry i'm just off out lol

 

That soon made him think shit she has a life 2 and now he is sooo much better.

 

It takes time and you have to be 2 steps ahead of him or do a trade, ie ok i'll do this party but then we are doing this. Put him in a position where he has no choice lol

 

It will work you just have to dig deep for a while until the novelty wears off, cause thats all it is.

[tvt]

I might be going against the grain here, but I can kind of understand why your FI would want to go to this party. Since he's in a new town with a ton of new people I'm sure he wants to make friends. And if this party is where everyone goes I can see why he'd want to go.

 

However, I can totally see your view point to and I would be hurt that this party was his priority.

 

I'm sure you two will figure it out. There's definitely an adjustment period when a relationship goes long distance.