I feel so isolated and depressed

[SgtPepperette]

Some of you may remember that my dad passed away a few months ago. I am having the hardest time right now. I have never felt so isolated by everyone in my life before.

 

My mom and I are having issues. We have never had a strong relationship, and without my dad there to buffer between us we are defintely having problems. We are on a very restricted contact level right now. 5 minute conversations at that. Mostly because she ends up screaming at me and I refuse to have that.

 

My sisters are all camping together right now, with their families, and I couldnt go because I couldnt afford to take the time off work. It would of had to been unpaid since I do not have any vacation time left. I dont think Ive spoken to any of them in a few weeks either.

 

My friends are pretty much nonexsistent at this point. I havent spoken to any of them since memorial day. I havent reached out to them because I cant get pass the anger, and Im not sure how it would pan out. It saddens me that they couldnt even take an easy way out and shoot me an email.

 

I am training for a 60 mile walk, so I usually have my walking partner on the weekends. Its been nice to have her support. Unfortunately she is out of town so I went out and did a 10 mile walk alone. For the most part it was okay. Until my FI called.

 

The one person that is always there is my FI. But lately Ive even felt isolated from him. I know Im in some pretty bad depression right now, but he seems to steer clear of me if he can. We will be at home and just sit on the couch and watch tv, and dont really do much outside of the house. Sometimes it feels when Im talking to him hes very uninterested, and he does comment how Im sleeping all the time.

 

Well while out on my walk he calls and says he was out and about and stopped by his friends house. A friend that also recently lost his dad. THey were going to go see some boat races, and thought I might want to meet them. I said no thanks, I wont be done for another hour or two anyways. I dont really want to be around this particular friend right now. I see how well hes doing and how much support he has around him with friends and family, and it puts me in even a deeper depression. My FI said, well I need to get out of the house so Im going with him.

 

Ill admit this did upset me. He never wants to get out of the house with me. I suggested it last weekend and he blew it off. I am proud of him for sticking by his friend during his friends dads loss, but at the same time its feels like he can be there so much for his friend but not for me.

 

I was hestitant to post this because my FI is an amazing man. And I dont want it to come off like hes a jerk. And it may just be me lately, and my lack of communication or my over analyzing things.

 

But I just feel so alone. I honestly have no one to reach out to if I wanted to. I cant stop crying. I cried the rest of the walk, and still am. I just want my dad back. I just want to be happy again. I want my heart to stop hurting.

[starchild]

Gosh I'm so sorry for everything you are going through right now Do you think maybe FI is scared/confused because he's never seen you like this and doesn't know how to deal with it? Some guys aren't great with emotions and maybe it's easy to go to the races with his friend and just "be there" but with you he would have to talk it out try to help you get better, and maybe that scares him. I'm sure he is an awesome guy so it's no reflection on him but he may be unsure of what to do. Not sure if that makes sense or if it's what is going on, just guessing.

 

We're here for you so don't feel too alone, just reading your post made me cry a little so you aren't crying alone right now! I wish your dad was back too sweetie...hang in there

[ohiobride15]

Im so sorry your feeling this way. I dont know what your going through but know that we are all here for you on here. What your going through is very hard. Your FI has no way to understand which is probably hard for him too. Im sure its not that he doesnt care. He just might not know how to help you. Have you thought about talking to a professional about all of it to help you get through this? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who doesnt know the people involved in the situation. Its just an idea, it might help. Let us know if we can do anything for you on here. Hang in! I'll keep you in my prayers that maybe you will get a peace of mind.

[Carolyn]

I'm sorry for what you are feeling right now. I would go talk to a professional about what is going on. They do help you understand and help sort out your feeling.

[jrodsgirl]

I am so very sorry for your loss. The only thing I can honestly say is that it will take time to heal. I lost my mother at a very early age. I was 11. It has now been 21 years and some go better than others. Each person heals differently. I was never very close to my father at the time of her death and we have since built a relationship. Sometimes it is good and sometimes bad. I wish I could have one more day with her. I probably always will.

 

I may not know you or your FI personally but I would be pretty sure that he would do anything in his power to make the hurt go away. I know there are so many times I push my FI away because I might not think he can help me through the tough times. I am learning that he can and that he will always be here when I need a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

 

I still have good days and bad days. Sometimes the loss hits me out of no where and I am sad. Other times I might burst into laughter because I remember something she said or did. There are many people in my life now that never had the chance to meet her. She was amazing. I share my memories I have and that helps. I won't lie though...sometimes I still get angry. I think it is all part of the process....my healing process. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

[chibi411]

i felt this way too when my mom passed. it was a good year before i felt that i wasn't in a "daze". a good 2 years before i could think of my mom and not tear up. it's been 6 years now, and when i think of her, i smile with good meemories. i still have moments when i'm sad thinking about what i'll miss without her by my side. and i use to hate it when people say the pain will past. there was a part of me that felt that if the pain past, then it meant that i was forgetting her. it was so odd to me that the world went on without her, and it has.

 

i felt isolated as well. and the hard part was to let people in, and it meant that i had to cry out to them. most people just don't know what to do... so they do nothing. it's really ackward. some people can deal with it, others can't.

 

i know it sucks right now, and it feels like your heart will never heal. but time does help. you are not alone, and i wish you the best.

 

my aunt told me because i took good care of my mom when she was dying, that i would be looked after for the rest of my life. that i would never be alone and my mom would always watch after me. i know its corny, but it's true.

hope this helps.

[Hartyt509]

I lost my mum a few years ago and dad moved to the otherside of the world, he's really ill at the moment, won't answer his phone or even text me so I know exactly how you feel.

 

You really do need to go and see someone tho because your depression will only get deeper if you don't.

 

I cried for 2 days solid when I found out dad was really poorly and won't even talk to me but now I'm not- I can't do anything to change it, make it better or bring back my mum but I can sure as hell enjoy my life because we aren't here for long.

 

It's not FI's fault and he isn't being horrible he's probably walking on egg shells wondering if you are going to explode or burst into tears, not to be harsh but thats probably why he doesn't want to go out either.

 

You need to get help for YOU everything else will drop into place after.

 

Just think if your dad knew you were getting into this state what would he say or do!! probably kick you up the arse and tell you to sort yourself out, give you a kiss on the cheek and you'd be fine.

 

You need to do this for yourself but you either have to get the help or hit the bottom,get annoyed with yourself and push yourself back up.

 

It WILL work out, you will always miss your dad but you will cope and have a fab life xx

[Reba2009]

I am so sorry you feel the way you do but please know it is normal. You are going through the grieving process. You can't compare yourself to anyone else because a. we are all different and b. each person has a different relationship with their parents. Friends just don't know what to say, especially if they have not lost a parent. You need to let yourself heal but you also need to let your fiance know what you are feeling. Maybe let him read your post. Reach out to your friends, keep the converations brief and let them know you are around. Take little steps like meeting someone for coffee or going to a funny movie. I bet your dad would want you to do these things. He does not want you to be alone and depressed. My dad died a long time ago but I still feel he is with me and watching out for me. Remember all the good times. I used to do this when I was down because it made me feel better. I know it is hard to hear now but as time goes on, it does get easier. You are never alone because he will always be in your heart. I hope this helps a little....take care. Roe

[Kelly C]

I have been sitting here thinking of some majic words to say. And I have nothing... All I can say is you will always have some pain and anger. It does get easier with the day by day things. It's been two years since my dad passed and I miss him everyday. I did go see someone to talk to and it did help.

 

Your FI probably doesn't know what to say or do. It is a very hard thing to understand unless you have exprienced it yourself. That is probably why he is allittle distant.

 

Hang in there we are here for you when you need us.

[Jessica]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's normal to feel isolated and depressed during a time like this. No advice, just wanted to let you know I read your post and we're always here when you need to talk.