My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...

[Martha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dez921714 He just left. Screaming about how he can't stand me, the dogs, the house adn wants out. Threatened to take all the money out of our joint account, so I moved all but $280 into my account and changed my password (I don't want payments to bounce). It's all BS and I don't deserve to put up with this. I think I'm done. I don't know how or what I'll say if/when he comes back but I can't keep putting myself through this. I love him, but is it worth it?

okay, this is getting ridiculous. He is abusing you emotionally and that is NOT okay in my book. He is hurting you and whether he realizes it or not, it isn't okay. I am sure you are really sad and upset, but you really have to think about yourself. There is a reason he is acting this way....you got great advice the past week or so. But I think the circumstances are changing. Maybe he really does want out....or maybe he is just stressed. No one knows but him. And,until he is man enough to sit down with you and talk about it, you'll never know.

Can you get away for a few days, maybe the weekend and go stay with relatives somewhere? I kow you probably don't want to spend money on a hotel after you have to pay for Roto-Ruter, but I think some time to clear your head will do you some good.


DO NOT worry about the people that have already booked their flights. I am sure they will understand! Think about yourself and only yourself for a little while.

[Kelly C]

Im so sorry your going thru this... I have to tell you that FI and myself went thru a rough time at the begining of the year. He moved out. I went to counseling by myself. I didn't want him to go with me at first. She helped me deal with him and his issues. And help me were he was coming from. We are back living together, but let me tell you sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remember why I love him. Cuz sometimes I just want to stick a hot pocker in his eye. Men are a pain in the drain sometimes... Have faith and let me cool off. your in my thoughts and prayers.

[jajajaja]

Wow- I missed this whole entire thing, but I just read through it all. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this.

 

You know- Steve and I had a really rough patch too. His mom bought me this book (not realizing we had a rough patch) and it really helped. It's called Boundaries in Marriage. It provides you ways to approach common problems in relationships and have discussions in a healthy way. Plus it demands RESPECT first and foremost.

 

Hugs girl. I hope things work out for you. Keep us updated.

[Alyssa]

Dez - that is really not acceptable and so disrespectful. i know this sounds harsh but IMHO love is not enough to make a relationship work and empty or serious threats are really hurtful. if my FI ever told me 1x he wanted out - i would be "guess what buddy -get the fuck out!" bye

[Hartyt509]

Aww chick that sucks!

 

You did the right thing moving your money out - I've been in the boucing cheques situation and it is bloody awful.

 

Take this time to decide what YOU want and no-one else. You know everyone is here to listen xx

[Celina]

Dez,

How are things going? I didn't realize so much was going on. Was this before or after this past weekend at the wine tasting?

[Hartyt509]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alyssa Dez - that is really not acceptable and so disrespectful. i know this sounds harsh but IMHO love is not enough to make a relationship work and empty or serious threats are really hurtful. if my FI ever told me 1x he wanted out - i would be "guess what buddy -get the fuck out!" bye

I sooo wanted to say that but thought I'd get shouted at lol

[Dez921714]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoontobeMrsE Dez, How are things going? I didn't realize so much was going on. Was this before or after this past weekend at the wine tasting?

This happened today, a couple of hours ago.

I called his sister to ask for a therapist reference and I told her what happened (probably shouldn't have because it's his sister, but whatever). She even said that this is rediculous and he's upset with the situation with his fater but he's taking it out on the wrong person. I told her about his pills (only taking half) and that he stoped seeing his therapist.

I told her that I love her and her family and I love him but I can't keep dealing with this and I deserve better. She's going to call me back when she's out of class.

I also just spoke to my friend who lives in PA, she told me to put the dogs in the car and come spend the weekend with her...but they have cats (my dogs like to chase cats) and no fence on the back yard, so it'd be more stress than I can handle. At least being home with them is easy. Who knows what I'll decide at 1AM though LOL

[Nrvsbride]

Oy Vey! I just caught up on this thread. First of all I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I think to some extent everyone goes through rough patches. It all comes down to whether or not it is worth it to you to work through the problems.

 

I think what is going on here is that you each have stuff that is bothering you and planning a wedding only adds stress to the situation.

 

Like Jessica I am a complete neat freak. It almost causes me anxiety when I see my home in disarray. My DH is a total slob. We constantly fight about this. Unlike Jessica however I did feel trapped. Not to the point where I wouldn't marry James over it but it was a source of discontention. It really stressed me out to constantly live in a pigstye (sp?) We also had financial issues (namely James was a huge spender and mismanaged his money all the time). There were times where I got cold feet and I wondered if this was really what I wanted. Not b/c I didn't love him, but just b/c I didn't know whether I was willing to live my life like this forever.

 

That being said I never walked out on James and I never threatened to either. I knew that marriage was hardwork and you can't just give up on someone or disrespect them. When the going gets tough in a marriage is the time when you have to be there the most for a person not just give up.

 

I've only been married for less than a week so clearly I'm no expert. But I can tell you that days after the wedding I instantly felt better b/c all the wedding stress was gone. And I was able to use the money we got from gifts to pay off a lot of his debt which instantly relieved a lot of our stress. Even better we talked about how we are going to work together and change things around...these are the positive talks that you and your FI need.

 

Also, James realized how important it is for me to have an organized home and when I went back to work I came home to a sparkling home. He cleaned the entire thing for me to make me happy. Its the compromises that will help build your relationship and make you guys stronger as a couple.

 

I think right now its important that you both talk about what is important to each of you in life. Tell him that you love him and you want him to feel the best he can about himself and that is why you want him to see a therapist and take his pills. Threats and nagging don't usually work well in a relationship. He has to want to do it. If he's not willing to get some help then it is ultimately up to you to decide what to do with that piece of information.

 

However I do think some of your problems are fixable. Once you start losing more weight you will feel good about yourself, your sexual relationship will improve and he will be happier as well. If you take some time to clean your home a little more it might improve his mental health as well. Talk to his family and see if you can get them to back off on him a little. Explain to them that this is stressing him out. Log onto BDW and talk away about all your wedding plans. Choose which convos about the wedding to have with him (e.g. money and payments) and save the miniscule details for us girls on here who love to hear about it.

 

I really hope you guys can work this out.

 

Sorry this was so long, but I just wanted to give it the attention it deserves.

[DreaW]

oh I'm so sorry. yeah, Erik and I went through this same thing....but in the end it worked it self out by sitting down and talking to one another. Don't get me wrong we still have dragged out fights almost every 2 weeks....not as much as before....but we have to sit down and calm down and talk.

I'm sorry