My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...

[Betsy]

I think wedding planning is one of the more stressful things between a couple. Feeling overwhelmed at the whole idea of marriage is totally normal and it can be scary too. Why exactly does he feel "trapped'? I mean is it because he is going to be married now? It sounds like you are seriously considering leaving sweetie - is there more to the story? I'm sure you are full of hurt right now and I am so sorry for that - it sounds like the 2 of you have been through rougher times and got through them together - Do you still want this?

[Dez921714]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amarillis Wow Dez... I am sorry you are having a rough time. I will stick my neck out there and say - don't leave. Really, what you need to do is talk it out, and stop talking about the wedding - go on a date, have dinner, make a picnic in your living room, do what ever your budget will allow. But the rule is.. NO WEDDING TALK! I think that cold feet is a function of the constant discussion of the wedding, the guests, the costs, the this and that - but if you get a chance to get back to the two of you... You'll remember why you fell in love in the first place. Give it a chance.

We had a "date" planned last Friday...he fell asleep...

I really don't talk wedding things with him. Once in a BLUE moon. But if we're with people, adn they ask me about it, I answer...in his head, that is me being obsessed with it.

[DanielleNDerek]

do you think him giving you the card is his way of making up?

[yamille]

We all know relationships are a lot of work and getting through the tougher times always makes you stronger as a couple. I agree that it is perfectly normal to have doubts and fears as the date gets closer. We are human and if it's a first marriage there is fear of the unknown and other issues that come up for people regarding their own family, parents etc.

 

Re: "feeling trapped"- have you asked him specifically why? Is it the wedding planning? Is it a fear that something will change between the two of you for the negative? Is he trapping himself becuase he has expectations of himself about being a "good husband"? If you communicate as openly as possible (which is a challenge) you may learn something that you didn't know about him or yourself. That has been my experience. When I say something out loud it's like a discovery.

 

Re:cleaning and messiness- I know that for me it's like code for something else. He knew that you weren't a neat freak when he fell in love with you. Is it bothering him more now because those othe rissues are unresolved?

 

If you want to leave for a few days- i will just say that personally I wouldn't do it. In a way it's running away from the problem. I don't mean that to be offensive but I just know that's my instinct. I have been fighting that since I was 10 years old. I just want to go away for a little while and "think it through" or whatever. My advice is talk- really talk. If you can't then maybe a few couples sessions with a counselor or pastor may help. The objective point of view really helps.

 

something to think about...

 

I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now.

[Alyssa]

would you consider some pre-marital counseling or couples counseling?

 

the issues sound more like communication and priorities KWIM?

[caroline]

I'm also paranoid because it's more than just a wedding...people have already put down a lot of money to see us get married...

 

Okay, I'm going to stick me neck out in the other direction and say, DON'T go ahead with it b/c of the above!!!

 

Realise that you're going through tough times and will be up and down, but your wedding is not until 2009?!

 

As someone else stated, what happens if you are married and the shit hits the fan down the road?! WTF will he be then?!

 

Give him some space, if that's what he needs to "figure it out." But also let him know that he isn't allowed to pull this shit every-so-often or when the going gets tough!

 

Going to post on my own thread, b/c my FI should be running for the hills right now!

 

Good luck! And breath...

[DanielleNDerek]

As a girl, it's very normal to be constantly doing wedding related or thinking about the wedding but i think guys see this as being obsessed even if we aren't involving them. Me and my fi have had a lot of fights about the wedding and just like Maura's situation we have fights about me or him not cleaning up after ourselves that sort of thing, but it's just a fight like 10 minutes later we're fine. If he ever said he felt trapped than i would take it very seriously. I think you should take a break from the wedding stuff, even if you don't think your doing it that much just don't do anything for a few weeks and just focus on your relationship. I wouldn't just leave until you try to at least talk it out. Maybe he's just stressed right now and feeling overwhelmed.

[Dez921714]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maura why does he feel trapped? it has to be something other than the cleanliness issue he has. my FI is a neat freak, but he accepts that i am not. yes, we get into arguments sometimes when i dont pick up after myself or clean something half-assed, but he would never say he felt trapped or couldnt live with me for the rest of his life because of that, KWIM? so what are his other issues that are causing him to feel trapped? and are they the same as last time you considered leaving?

I'm not 100% sure why he's feeling so trapped. Maybe because we own a house together and because we have 2 big dogs.

He's embarassed to have his family just stop by. I'm not. They know how we are, he's always been like this and so have I.

Our back yard needs to be decked the rest of the way, we have a beig rug and the dogs run through the mud and then bring it in (RIGHT before we have company). So this happened SUnday and he huffed that he was just going to take a pension loan and have the yard done. I got pissed at the way he said it so I didn't say anything. He got mad because then when he wanted to talk about the deck and choosing one I didn't want to talk about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek do you think him giving you the card is his way of making up?

Yes, in a way...but then next fight, he'll turn it around that I'm obsessed with tee shirts...

He says I'm obsessed with insignifcant wedding things when we should be working on "us"

[MoonPalacePookie]

Dez, sweetie, I'm so sorry, this has to be so hard on you. My FI and I went through the whole thing. One day, out of nowhere (for me), he decided that there was too much pressure for us to get married and he felt trapped, so he moved out and came back two months later, totally ready to get married. I think men have a harder time accepting the "till death do us part" thing than women. They freak out, all of our guy friends had a freak out over this. I hope this is what yoru FI is going through and he'll get over it. I do recommend counseling, we did it and it totally helps. Men and women think and communicate differently and for him feeling "trapped' might mean something totally different than it does for you. Maybe counseling can help you figure out what he means. Whatever you do, don't give up, just keep working on it. And keep venting and talking on here, we're always here.

[Hartyt509]

I feel like that at least once a week! no joke!!

 

I have had so many "god I don't want to do this and want him out" moments that its a bit scarey! For me its because i've been married before and I'm terrified of it going wrong again. It also doesn't help when one of my best mates keeps saying ditch the wedding you don't want 2 divorces behind you!

 

I take a deep breath and list out in my head what I want and why I'm getting married in the first place and that helps.

 

Getting some time away also helps, I don't mean going away for a week but just a day away on your own, or with the dog really helps me.

 

Once you know what you want - you can put it really calmly and simply to him and then let him get on with it.

 

He sounds like he's scared shitless and you are the target for it!! sorry chick it will be fine xx