Guest list issues

[atlcatlover]

And I don't even have a date yet

 

FI's extended family is very large. At their last family reunion there were 80+ people.

 

When we told his parents we were having a DW we were very clear that it meant a small gathering (we are trying to limit it to 50, which I know seems large to some of you) and his mom seemed fine with that, despite the fact that it is killing her inside that we are not having a huge traditional wedding like her other kids.

 

I am going on my site visit in a couple of weeks to finalize location, date, etc, and I asked her for her names for the guest list. I want to have a good feel for attendees as I look at spaces, get quotes, etc.

 

Now she tells me I have to tell her how many people she is allowed to invite. WTF There is no way that is going to happen. She would turn that around on me as fast as she can. "Well, so and so isn't here because Kim limited the number of people I could invite." I will have no part of that.

 

Obviously FI and I need to talk through this, but I am curious if anyone else has dealt with anything similar. This already makes me want to elope!

[Yari]

Oh yeah, I am still dealing with this. My mom and I got in a huge fight a couple of weeks ago about it. I feel like it never ends and I really don't know what to do. I have told my parents that we want a small wedding a million times, but they don't understand. The kicker is we are paying for the wedding, so they have no say...but that doesn't seem to matter.

[Martha]

I think it's important to remember that not all the people you invite will go to a DW.

 

Are you paying for the wedding yourself or are you getting help from his parents? She may feel like if she is helping to pay for it, she should be allowed to invite whomever she wants. Know what I mean?

[atlcatlover]

Maybe I'm too organized, but when I sat down to think about guests I made a list of who I thought would actually be there. I know it's only a guess, and I know some will show and some will not, but I wanted a realistic view of who to expect. I know there will be people who cannot make it, and I completely understand.

 

I am paying for our wedding. I purposely didn't want to deal with this kind of stuff, and here we are not even out of the gate and it starts.

 

FI keeps joking that I am going to crack and tell him we are eloping to Vegas, and now I completely understand why.

[DanielleNDerek]

I made a list like that too.

 

When we first told everyone. We had about 180 people invited, 62 told us they were definately coming, and now that everyone is booked we only have 30 people.

 

All of the people that my dad had to invite aren't going. Is there really a chance that the extra people she wants to invite will come? If you really don't think they'll come i would just invite them to keep the peace, but i give in easy.

[Dez921714]

I have a HUGE family. And that is part of the reason we are having a DW. We also want a small wedding, but not everyone we invited are going to come. I am sending out 140 invitations (about 300 people when you include "& Family"). We are expecting 30-50 people.

 

If there's a chance they won't come, and inviting them will make his mom happy, why not?

 

We have people who INSISTED they would be there who aren't coming, so you never know.

[BlissfulMsMiranda]

I am SO glad I'm not the only one who's dealing with this.

 

We're in the same boat! We haven't even chosen a destination or a date and already the guest list has become an issue. It's not that we have a huge family (well, I have more on my side then my fiance) it's just that to invite everyone would mean well over 50 people which is not at all what we want.

 

I don't want to insult anyone by not inviting them - and like idiots we already told most of our clsoe friends and family members our plans and they all "agreed" to come down with us ...

 

Should we risk having more people then we want and send out ALL the invites?

 

I was considering just letting the 20 or people who are definitely coming with (immediate family/bridal party/close friends) know about our wedding website with the travel info then only sending out invites to EVERYONE for the after party a few months before we leave ...

 

Is this a good plan? I know it's OUR day, but I can't help but feel an obligation to keep family members and friends happy as well ... and I don't want to offend anyone. *sigh*

 

Altcatlover: If you're paying for your wedding then, in reality, you have the final say on how many guests you want. Maybe remind your parents that you'll be having a party for everyone when you get home (if you're doing that) and make sure the word is spread throughout the family ... (large families are great for gossip). Hehehe

 

Or go on the assumption that even those who insist they'll be there, probably won't, and just send out all the invites and hope for a small number!!! LOL

[Copita]

My family is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE.

I have NEVER wanted a huge wedding. This was one of the reasons for me wanting to have a DW, because I knew it'd be smaller. LOL.

We are paying for it ourselves, as well.

My mother kept and still tries to pull the, Well you should invite so-and-so, even with us being 9 days away.

Um, no. It's our wedding.

You are not obligated to give her a guest list. You and FI make your own guest list and send your own invitations. Why does she need to see it at all? That is ridiculous.

PLUS, keep in mind, not everyone will come to a DW due to expenses, travel, etc.

And another thing, sometimes the people you swear will come, are the ones who are the first to tell you they aren't coming at all.

[atlcatlover]

I dont mind extending an invitation to people who we think wont be there if it means keeping her happy, but only to an extent.

 

She needs to be as realistic as possible when she thinks about who will come and who wont. As an example, my parents gave me 17 names. 4 of those will be there (godparents, etc), and it could be as many as 7, but we know that for financial and other reasons the other 10 simply wont be able to attend. If she can give me that kind of logic I can work with it, but this woman does not operate that way.

 

My target of 50 is stretching my budget about as far as it can be stretched. If we put ourselves in the position to all of sudden have 75 confirmed I am in trouble as far as paying for this. And no, taking money from her is not an option because then it's not my wedding any more.

 

I agreed to let her have a party for us in her hometown where FI grew up which I'm sure is more for her than it is for us. And I will remind her of that if this continues. I also have no problem reminding her that FI and I have not ruled out eloping and if these types of issues continue to come up then we will make it so that no one other than us is there.

[Hartyt509]

I'd not give her the bloody option if she's like that - give yourself a limit of say 50 and that gives you your base line.

 

Don't ask her you're letting yourself in for hell!! I would with my FMIL so she's getting NO say lol