Disagreement on how many to send . . .

[luvtoteachlaw]

So, I am sure this is a common problem - my FI thinks we need to send STD and invitations to everyone we would normally invite to our wedding. When I mentioned that I wasn't going to send out all these items any extended family because I am not really close to anyone, he was shocked. He is closer to his extended family and will be inviting all aunts/uncles and cousins. Thing is, if I was to do that, it would be like, 20 extra invites = 40 people additional.

 

Now, I can pretty much expect that if I was to invite all these people, only one uncle and aunt would have the financial resources to attend. His extended family is in a better financial state than mine and it is likely that at least 1/2 of those invited would attend. I have more friends with spouses that I would like to attend instead of inviting extended family that I am not close to.

 

The question is . . . do I send out invitations to them, but not STD? I mean, I guess it is important to let everyone in the family know that I am getting married (they all thought I might not since it took me to age 35 to find my man). However, I really don't want these people at the wedding.

 

This is a conversation topic now because I found some DIY STD and invitations, and I want to make sure I get enough. Also, we are trying to plan for all guests to stay in a villa near the one we are renting for the family (and where we will hope to hold the ceremony and reception), and we need to have some idea of a limit for planning purposes.

 

Any thoughts on this? Thanks in advance for all your help!

[junebride2b]

I sent STD's to about 50 people. Close friends and family I thought might go to the wedding (22 ended up going). I didn't send STD's to anyone we weren't close too. The invites are a different story we sent 200 out to the people who we were close to and those we had to invite (family obligations . What sucks is the extended people are the only ones who haven't responded yet

[CourtneyV]

Well, there are a few things to consider. First, if you don't want them there, then don't invite them!!! For us, it was important to have only the people that we were huge influences in our lives. Of couse family is important, but there are aunts and uncles I haven't spoken to in like 10+ years! We chose not to invite them. There's always the "it's close family and friends only".

 

The thing with not inviting people (especially if they're family, whether you're close with them or not) is that they tend to feel offended. I know they don't really want to be there (and they know it too!), but it's the fact that they weren't even given the choice that seems to bother them. Depending on the family, some may start a little more hassle than it's worth - especially if they're not likely to come anyways.

 

Ask yourself this: when you're standing up there and you look back on everyone watching on, how would you feel if you saw them there?

 

 

If you do choose to invite them, then I'd suggest sending an STD to them as well. Again, if they find out that they got the invitation and not the STD, people tend to feel secondary - like they're the 'B' list that was added after x number of people said they couldn't make it! I know, it's dramatic and over the top, but people get weird when it comes to weddings. I'd say to whomever you choose to invite, send an STD as well.

[Kelly C]

I didn't send out invitation to close friends and family because they already new and booked. We sent out the rest as an announcement to extended family and said that a AHR will be following our return and with specifics. That way no one got their feelings hurts and the parents got to let their friends and family know.

[kevsgirl]

I sent out the STD invitation to everyone I was going to invite.

Then again, I did it online because things were going so quickly and we didn't have time to do proper ones.

The people who don't have email or I thought needed a more "formal" STD I sent letters to (Grandparents and my dad, etc.) that told them about our website and some of the crucial details.

 

It's a bit weird the way it's worked out, but now since a few people declined already, we will not be sending invitations to those people. And I think that's great because it saves us money and they wouldn't want to be "invited" again.

 

I think it's especially important to send STDs to those people you really don't think will be able to come because in all likelihood you'll hear back from them before your invites go out and they wont' end up getting one.

 

When we get back, we'll probably send out Announcements to a lot more people who didn't get STDs or Invites, but who will be happy to get our news and a photo and know what happened.

I think that's also a good way for us to cover our butts with the family who will be somewhat annoyed htey weren't invited. At least that way they get the announcement. And probably also invited to our At Home Reception.

 

Blah. So much paper!

[Hartyt509]

I've only told the ones I would like to come, and most of them won't, I'll send invites out to those that have said they would like to other than that i'm not doing it.

 

I've got an aunt who is divorced from my uncle and re-married and thinks she is going to get an invite, she won't lol If you don't want people there don't ask otherwise you can bet the buggers will come!

[kevsgirl]

Just to clarify: I know that STDs over internet is not the classiest, but in our case it became necessary because people were really wanting details and our STDs that we put lots of time into ended up havnig to be re-done (date change), etc.

 

That said, I think that those who got them didn't mind and those who would have, got the letter version.

[EricaG]

I am close with my extended family, and Fi has a huge family but is not close to most of them. Before sending out STD's I sat down with FI and went through the relatives that he talks to and asked if he wanted to invite them or not. Many of them he decided not to invite to the DW. After sending out the STD's we got several replies back and the ones that said 'No" didn't get an invite sent. That was nice since our invites were also DIY that I did all by myself. Now I just have to finish off a few more invites to send to a couple people that won't be coming like my Grandma and a couple Aunt's & Uncle's but they are the 'special' invites that don't need to get anywhere in a hurry.

[luvtoteachlaw]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CourtneyV Well, there are a few things to consider. First, if you don't want them there, then don't invite them!!! For us, it was important to have only the people that we were huge influences in our lives. Of couse family is important, but there are aunts and uncles I haven't spoken to in like 10+ years! We chose not to invite them. There's always the "it's close family and friends only". The thing with not inviting people (especially if they're family, whether you're close with them or not) is that they tend to feel offended. I know they don't really want to be there (and they know it too!), but it's the fact that they weren't even given the choice that seems to bother them. Depending on the family, some may start a little more hassle than it's worth - especially if they're not likely to come anyways. Ask yourself this: when you're standing up there and you look back on everyone watching on, how would you feel if you saw them there? If you do choose to invite them, then I'd suggest sending an STD to them as well. Again, if they find out that they got the invitation and not the STD, people tend to feel secondary - like they're the 'B' list that was added after x number of people said they couldn't make it! I know, it's dramatic and over the top, but people get weird when it comes to weddings. I'd say to whomever you choose to invite, send an STD as well.

The reason I am trying to sort this out is because the people that I really am not keen on inviviting ARE dramatic and over the top. Long story short . . . I was engaged once before (8 years ago) and called off the wedding (best decision I ever made, but I digress . . .) but these family members had a coronary when I made the decision to have no children at the wedding (it was a 4 pm wedding with a late reception, after all). There was sooo much blaming and guilt-tripping and passive-aggressive behavior . . . they went so far as to tell me "Well, I guess we can't come if you don't allow us to bring our kids" and "I guess I will stay home and watch all the kids and everyone else can go to the wedding".

Ugh. I guess I could use that as a reason why I didn't invite them this time! Afterall, if people are so ridiculous as to refuse to hire a sitter for their kids so they can attend a wedding, they aren't gonna board a plane without them, either.

[dragonfly]

I firmly believe that if you don't want them at your wedding, don't invite them. I think if you invite people then you must fully expect that they may come. You have to know that you can afford to entertain them as your guests and that you will not be resentful of them being there (after all you did invite them), because you will be surprised at the people who make it and those who don't. Also as a guest I would hate to think I was invited somewhere I was not wanted, especially if I took the invitation in good faith (and why wouldn't I) and figured out a way to be able to come up with the money, take the time off of work, and use up precious vacation time.