Momzilla Tug of War

[Chantal85]

*WARNING* This is a long vent, months in the making!

 

I most definitely know I'm not alone in this boat but this sure is getting frustrating! I am the daughter of a MOMZILLA!

 

Planning a wedding is stressful enough on its own, I live across the country from half of my bridal party and family, and now I have a passive aggressive mom to deal with too. I come from a French Canadian background which means a large (mom is one of 9 kids) traditional wedding. I know that a destination wedding is way out of her comfort zone but I just know a large wedding is not what my Fi and I want.

 

First there was the dress shopping. I went back East to visit my family, take my BM's dress shopping, hoped to take my mother out so she could try on dresses and help me with mine. My mom never made the effort to come out dress shopping and eventually said she would probably just buy her dress from the mall. She also asked is she could wear a dress I had bought her for her 25th anniversary party...that is white. Not to be a stickler but white is reserved for someone else....me!

 

Then comes the creation on the invitations list. Everyday my mom had five more people to add! I finally put my foot down when she wanted me to invite her neighbor (that I don't even know). I would cringe every time she would say "just invite them, they won't come anyways but an invitation would be nice". I don't just toss out invitations, if I invite you, its because I genuinely want you there! I had to say no because my list was already at 140 invites (half of them being my mom's family alone)...way out of control! My mother then started her transition to Momzilla. She first got mad and took a cheap shot saying we were inviting my Fi's parent's friends. I had to explain that his family is very small and that those friends ARE his family. She goes on to cry and tell me its not her fault I moved and don't know her friends, that I'm selfish, and then hung up on me and left on holidays for the month. I don't like making my mom cry so of course I apologized for her not liking my decision but I most definitely never received an apology from her.

 

Then there's the resort. I had shown her one resort that had a chapel. My Fi and I are not religious so we don't intend to use a chapel. There are too many attendees for the small chapel, and half of my Fi's family are Jehovah's Witness and would not be able to attend if we used the chapel. Knowing all that, my mom still wanted me to use the chapel. When I told her we couldn't, she said "oh, I thought your father and I could walk you down the aisle...". Oy! No matter how much I explained that there would be an aisle set up in the garden, it didn't seem to make a difference.

 

The latest kick from her is probably the most insulting. She recently asked me how much a resort day pass would be for the wedding. Apparently, my resort is too expensive and she thinks people can't afford it ($1500 + taxes is pretty much the average rate, I've done my homework) so she's telling them they can stay at a different resort than the one we've chosen. ARGH! How dare she!

 

I'm thinking of making a trip to visit her and sit her down so I can paint the big picture for her and lay down the law. I can't handle her pushing back every step of the way. I even told her she can plan a Canadian reception for those who can't make it, just to keep her busy but she doesn't seem to care about that.

 

Please tell me if I'm being too difficult or if you have any suggestions on how to manage this issue. It has come to a point where I don't even discuss wedding plans with her anymore. I don't think planning a wedding should be so negative. I've gotten so frustrated that I've cried and told my Fi that I don't want a wedding! I'd rather go to city hall and sign the papers and forget about the whole thing!

[Chantal85]

Oh...and she disliked everything about my invitations. I planned on having two starfish at the top (that she told me I should add a top hat and a veil to) and told me she hated my little quote for the bottom which is "happiness is in the way of travel, not the destination". My Fi and I have a lot of attached meaning to that quote because it explains our relationship, since the beginning.

[shellb]

 

I do understand your frustration. I have fought every step of the way with my own Mom over choosing to do a destination wedding and not getting married in a church. Mine won't come dress shopping, get involved with the planning and every time I mention something I get a negative comment in return. It hurts, so I truly understand where you are coming from.

 

I do think you should sit down and talk to her, explain what you envision your day to be like. Don't blow up at her, she'll only hear the angry words, not the message. Make sure she is understanding what you are saying. Half of the problem with communicating is that the receiver is not understanding the message that is being sent. Explain how you love her and that you want her to be part of the process, but if she is telling people that they can stay off the resort it makes it difficult for you and your FI to do some of the things you wanted to do with your guests. Day passes often make the cost of the trip the same price as if they stayed at the same resort you are getting married at. For instance, the resort we chose requires both a day (9-6) and a night pass (6-2) for guests to come on resort on the day of the wedding at $95 day and $95 night (a whopping $190 per person). That's a crazy amount...especially if it is a family (2 adults and a few children).

 

Maybe her wanting to invite some neighbors will help her feel comfortable if she has people to chum around with during the week. I know I had a friend ask what she was going to do for the week if another friend backed out. She thought I'd be too busy to have some fun with her.

 

Best of luck and think through what you want to say before you say it. You are her little girl and she only wants the best for you. Moms also dream of seeing their girls get married.

[Hartyt509]

I'd go and throttle her myself!!

 

I understand you are her little girl etc but she sounds just like my FMIL and my reaction to her is "she can piss off" lol now I know its your mum so its a little different but even my mum wouldn't have dared meddle

 

If its making you unhappy go to see her and say look calm down if you don't you are gonna be upset a lot because we are doing what we want to do not what you want me to do! I decide who is invited to MY wedding not yours and if you don't like it tough.

 

As for staying off resort thats fine no problem but I'm not paying for day passes to get into the resort so YOU can tell all the people you have told to stay elsewhere that and deal with the fall out.

 

It will work out but you need to stand firm and DO NOT back down - if you do she's got you where she wants you at it will never end

[Chantal85]

Thanks, for the help. Shellb, I think I had read your post about your problems with your mom too. I totally feel for you. I think I will do my best to clearly lay out what I will tell my mom. I'm a bit of a planner so I may have to write some notes to make sure I stay on track and ask her not to say anything until I am done. I plan on being firm but I am done fighting. I am willing to hear her concerns but I've decided from now on, only happy planning is allowed.

 

I feel bad because since my mom has shown lack of interest, I've done most of my planning and dress shopping with my soon to be mother-in-law.

 

It hard to not have your mom participate in the wedding dress shopping. I don't know about you but I pictured my mom taking me to a bridal shop with my girls and all of us laughing when something silly is being worn and gushing over how fantastic everyone looks when they find "the dress".

[shellb]

Notes are my best friend. I get a bit emotional when I am angry. So I agree they may help you stay on track.

 

One question, do you have any siblings that could help you secretly scope out what your Mom's issues may be before the big discussion? It might help you approach it from the right angle.

[Chantal85]

I have two brothers...one that just got kicked out of the house and the other that never has time! The best I can do is talk to my dad. He's like me, likes to avoid confrontation but I know he'll just side with my mom because, well, he has to live with her so he doesn't want to upset her.

 

I think the best thing I can tell her is to forget what she thinks a wedding is and start with a blank slate because this one is so different.

 

I think I will also have to ask her what are her concerns? From there we can address them if they are within reason.

 

I feel like I should bring some diagrams and pie charts!

[dainanewell]

Wow that sucks.....I hope everything works out for you...